Santa Claus...Tales From The Igloo

Meringue the Bell, Pinch the Cook and Quench the Sterno

2011-12-27T17:12:00.000-08:00

Doc Sid and his wife Sydney are arriving at the Palace as I speak. Santa has been anticipating Doc's special, New Years Eve Dessert. It's a variation of a dessert invented by Benny Cracker Sibling for Gen. Bobby Lee. Benny called it "Rebel Rabble Rhubarb, Candied Possum, Pie". The Doc refers to his particular variation as Cousin Mehetabel's Candied, Flying Polecat and Covered Wagon Casserole. To make it easier for Santa to remember the name, the Doc now makes it sweeter, moister and calls the dessert "It's A NEW YEAR, Stick A Candle In It".

I usually ask th'Doc to make enough to feed 500, but, this year's party should see around 1,200 attendees. Santa doesn't like to do the five loaves of bread and a few fish illusion until later in the year. Santa provided triple the listed ingredients and hired Geronimo Puck, my Head Chef from Santa's yacht, to help out Doc Sid. Grab your note pads, pencils, cutting boards and those Saturday Night, 22 Revolver, Specials. Santa forgot to mention that some of the ingredients may attempt to escape.

Doc and Geronimo are going to produce a Southwestern version that will incorporate several recipes from their traditions. Each have attained a high degree of cuisine expertise within their specific cultures. As an example, Doc will borrow from Benny Cracker's "Rattler On A Stick", "Ground Cinnamon Possum Patties", "Polecat Porridge" topped off with "Whipped, Iced, Acorn Creme". Geronimo Puck will be using recipe selections from his book "Dessicated Rabbitless (for the sake of the Easter Bunny) and Cactus Confections". Chef Geronimo has a "Savory Peyote Punch" that will literally put you Out-Of-This-World. Try a slice of "Gila Monster Quiche" washed down with Agua Del Caballito Mecedor. Trust Santa, you'll be Starring in your very own, Full Length, Feature after that meal. Last but not least is Chef Geronimo's "Fiesta De Sorpressa Galletas". Each cookie with a hand selected Candied Scorpion centered in the cookie is a pretty big surprise.

Heeeeeeerr'zz the Recipe for "...Stick A Candle In It". Just what you wanted to hare? Oooops, sorry, no rabbits allowed!!!

(NOTE, this is a recipe designed to feed a family of five. Multiply the ingredients to suit. NO POLECATS OR POSSUMS WERE HARMED in this version of the recipe, specially no Rabbits)

The Casserole:
           You'll want to assemble one 8oz can of boneless Rattlesnake meat (it would be gutsy of you to collect a fresh snake, but, hey!!!), one pound of freshly ground Possum spiced with sugar and cinnamon to taste, 3 medium sized fresh Soreno Chillies with the seeds, crumbled Fruitcake with lots of that green candied fruit (no more than 5 years old) and 2 pre-baked, 10 inch diameter, Gram Cracker pie shells.

The Fiesta De Sorpresa Galletas AKA Party Cookies:
             You will need a 12 X 8 Baking Pan, Some dried cactus chips, a ground corn based flour, Masa Harina, some Peyote Buttons, leftovers from the Punch Bowl fixins (that's what they called them) and, of course, the 15 surprise, Candied Scorpion, garnishes on the Fiesta Galletas. Chef Geronimo likes to soak the live Sorpresa Scorpianos in a dark flavored Brandy and then he lights them off when serving the cookies. My Chef suggests that the cookies should be nibbled around the edges until the stinger actually burns away.

........................................................................................................

Preparing the "It's A New Year, Stick A Candle In It" Casserole:
               WASH YOUR HANDS...Open, drain, and place the can of boneless Rattle Snake meat in a large, cast-iron, skillet. With a fork, tease the sinuous meat apart while adding a 1/4 Cup of Hyper Virgin Olive Oil. Over a medium flame, let the Rattler meat brown. Expect some shrinkage. At this time add about 1/3rd of the crumbled fruitcake to the skillet and mix thoroughly with the browned rattler.

Possum Prep:
                WASH YOUR HANDS...Placing the freshly ground Possum on a large dish, work a cup of cinnamon and sugar into it. The kneaded ground possum, sugar and cinnamon goes into the skillet. When this meat has browned, stir the rest of the fruitcake crumbs and, as yet, unidentified candied, green colored, fruit. On a cautionary note, never eat the blue, candied, fruit. The taste is disgusting and may not be apart of the original fruitcake.

To finish the casserole, WASH YOUR HANDS and spoon the cooked filling into the pie shells. Sprinkle with Gram cracker Crumbs and place into a pre-heated oven at 350F. DO NOT PLACE THE PRESENTATION CANDLE IN THE CASSEROLE AT THIS TIME! Bake the casserole until the filling has congealed to a sticky syrup that is bubbling, (around 30 minutes). Remove from the oven and allow to cool on racks. When at slightly above room temperature, place the candles at the center of the two casseroles, wick-side up. The casserole will be self-sealing around the candle. There, you now have "It's A New Year, Stick A Candle In It".

The Fiesta Galletas, Serves 5:
                 This is the basic corn flour tortilla made from the finely hand ground Masa Harina. Chef Geronimo Puck mixes the Masa, juice from the little known "Whoopee KY Yeeee" Cactus and a 1/4 cup of Guerrero de Napoleon~o Brandy into a dough. Chef G. Puck has learned the fine art of patting the tortillas by hand but you can make a Tortilla Press by removing a central eighth of an inch section from a large Websters Dictionary. Scatter the Candied Cactus Chips on top of your tortilla and bake these corn patties on a heated stone. After baking place one brandy soaked Sorpresa Scorpion centered on each cookie. Ring the scorpion garnish with roughly chopped Peyote Buttons. Place back onto the heated stone until the peyote peices sink into the cookie. On serving, light the scorpions on fire and allow them to flame. Served, nibble around the cookie edges until the "Stinger" burns away.

...SC

Spillchuck...Spoolchick...Spallschnook? JUST READ Carfoolly

2011-12-18T04:17:00.000-08:00

Every year my Staff reads through the "letters To Santa" and will select a few out that I'll share with my readers. I did this back on November 9th of 2009 on this very spot. Oh yes, if you've not figured it out, I do archive these literary gems and read them for my own enjoyment. Kids write to me in their native languages so Santa and his Staff must be able to translate them into our very own Polarinese. Chaos, linguistic and otherwise, reigns supreme in this coming week.

There are a guilty few that choose their misspelled words carefully. For instance, young Ian James wrote that the family's Bagpipes had been ruined when he had filled them with water. "Santa, Iye'm shure yuuv alriddy herd aboot th'behgpipe masakeer at my hoose. Iye was told by me Dah to cleen'em and tuu get'em riddy for the Christmas Purtee. Hue Nuu th't it took thet lawng to drain th' wateer oot. The fon pert was lissinin' to th' suund thay made as th' wateer pored frum th'pipes. Plees duhn huld this agin me. Plees brung meh fumly a set of fuur behgpipes furrr Christmas. Yoor friend, Ian."

A little girl named Freida Hempelmeyer wrote me about creating her own Amusement Park in the family basement. She tried to explain that she and her brother Rudy were promised a Disneyland Vacation for Christmas. Family finances apparently interrupted the plans. Freida said that it was an experiment that had gone wrong. I'll let her tell the story. "Dire Santa, my younger brother, Rudy, and I deslided to make our own dizneeland. Pyrites Of the Carbine, The Moons Of Mickey Moore and a ride on a Submarine were to be the maine feechurs. Youzing some storing boxes we put tugether a pyrite town complete with a fort and rolled carpits for canons. Micky Moore'z Moons were made from a couple of exorcized balls our mom yuzed tu shreik her bellee. The Submarine was the frunt lohdi dryer with a big window to look out frum. Donald "Duck Tape" and some carfooly placed bed shiites made it all work. Heerz what went rong, Rudy stuffed lint balls into the rolled carpits as canon balls and lited the fooz. We did eventually get the fire out but smock hung in the hair. The exorcized balls explohdid from the heet. Micky Moore'z Moons had shrunk. Rudy wanted to tri out the submarine. Be-in smart I set the dyle to hair dri with no heet. He sat and spanned for about 3 minutes. I let him out and his hair was stiking strayt out frum his hed. Our mom and dad came down to find out what all the (ruckus) was about.

The "Mia Culpa" letters can be very touching in Santa's eyes. The "Yes, I did it and I know I was very wrong" strategic format works on Santa most of the time. Contrition and forgiveness are the lessons that Santa teaches best. "Santa's making a list and checking it twice...going to find out whose naughty or nice..." often spawns insincerity and the wrong message. That Good/Bad, Naughty/Nice, thing can really mess with your mind. Too 1160s? Check out this letter from a couple of weeks back. "Hey! Santa! we need to siht down and tahka. My fohks is bringing me to see youz tomorrow and I'm askin' for a few minutes of yer time to get some things strayt. Weez a familee that looks out for one another so the "whacking" that happened in July was a misunderstanding that could not be helped. Little Arachnado "Eight Legs" Onawalldo was acting outta place. I didn't care one way or the other, it was just business. Whacked and then deep 6'ed in the flushy, but not forgotten, I figured I should bring it up (no pun intended). I said a few touching words before pushin ' the handle. Youz got my letter with the list on it?"

Well this has been fun and now you know what Santa Claus and Staff deals with every year. Keep the cards and letters coming in. Ease off of that Spillchuck...Spoolchick...Spallschnook stuff and just be yourself. That's the Santa Way, SELAH.

...SC

Santa's S-N-A-C-K-S To Serve Throughout the Year

2011-12-04T09:05:00.000-08:00

If you're interested in what Santa wants to find on his Snack Plate go to 8/14/2009 and read "Santa Loves Cookies, Let's Talk Snacks". It's a quick read and will get you prepared for a Jollier Santa this coming Christmas Eve. We all know that the fastest way into Santa's Goodies Bag is through his stomach. For some of my fans I'm going to be giving them S-N-A-C-K-S that will last all year long.

"Santa's Newly Acquired Craving Kicking Solutions" is the name of my new book to help you kick those Bad Habits and Behaviors. Hundreds of years ago Santa realised that he had picked up some quirky behaviors that were getting on the nerves of Mrs. Claus. The first and foremost behaviors, Santa had to lose, dealt with his interactions with Elves. Elf Juggling was probably the worst. Never done as a punitive activity, Santa would gather several smallish elves together and toss them into the air. Making an ever growing circle of airborne elves, Mrs. Claus would gasp in horror as the elves began disappearing into the low hanging clouds.

"Bowling With Elves" certainly had some short comings, as well. Santa and the larger, taller, Elves designed several layouts for Elf Bowling Alleys. We used our lemming population as Bowlin Pins and the small, chubby, elves as balls. One had to becareful where you placed your fingers when picking them up. Some Elves would bite. No Elves were ever hurt, though we did lose a few when they missed the "Stop" and slid over the Lemming's Cliff at the Southern edge of the North Pole. Come to think of it, all the edges are Southern.

Last, but not least, was Santa's addiction to smoking. No, I'm not talking about my pipe. The smoking I was addicted to was Smoked Leopard Seals. We don't have Grocery Stores up here and we need to feed ourselves something other than scones, cookies, crab cakes and bagels. There's nothing more delicious than a Smoked Leopard Seal Casserole. Once again Mrs. Claus nagged and complained that Santa should not be eating the local fauna or fish.

What is it that you need to stop doing, start doing, or moderate? Santa's S-N-A-C-K-S is meant to get you up and off of your personal Albatross. Find the sunshine in your smile of victory by following the series of exercises and menus explained in my new companion book to my popular Polar Broadcasting System series "The Conquering Cookies Advocate". Go to my Website http://santakicksanalbatross.com to write me. Tell me how many SNACKS books you'd like. After Christmas there will be a nominal charge of $19.95ea. and a Handling/Shipping charge of 50 Euros per book. A bit pricey, we have these printed up in Belgium.

...SC

Maturity and Mortality...Too Old To Die Young?

2011-11-27T13:29:00.000-08:00

Let's set the ground rules regarding age. Using a combination of the Lunar, Julian and Gregorian Calendars, Santa turned 1,742 years old this November. Mrs. Claus tells me that I'm still a young Whipper-Snapper with the mind of a 500 year old. When I, Father Time and the Easter Bunny get together over a fine bottle of Ciapus Epiphinitus Brandy and Cuban Cigars we are telling stories and get a good laugh about the Attenuated Graveyard Experience. AKA "AGE", we know that the older you get the weaker, less threatening, the "Big Dirt Nap" becomes. We just don't fret over it anymore.

Down at the Shopping Malls, this time of year, Santa likes visiting with the Senior Citizens. I'll wave at them, they'll wave back and sometimes they'll come over and chat. I observe that all of them are charmed by the fact that I'm still here and that the kids are still coming to see Santa Claus. Santa knows that these folks are remembering how it used to be. There's a nostalgic gleam in the eyes about their personal age of innocence, when Santa meant "Renewal" and the close of a yearly cycle. (An obscene commercial break) When I ask them to come and take a photo with Santa they usually tell me they're too old. At 1,742 years old I'm not impressed. My response is that the 1st 400 years is the worst, at 401 years old it just keeps getting better and better.

To be perfectly honest, Santa has seen generations of folks as kids turning into young adults, then turning into parents and finally into oldsters. In earlier times, an oldster was only 35-40 years of age. It was if you made it past 40 you were living on borrowed time. Doctors, penicillin, drugs and many dietary improvements have expanded that paradigm to over twice the number of years. From our present day perspective, those folks were too young to die old.

Mortality and not "Maturity" seems to be the so called "Fly in the ointment". For reasons known only to Him, my "Boss", He will bring certain people to my Polar Doorstep. I can always find something for them to do. To respond to a FAQ, "NO, Elvis is not in the building. Elvis seems to have turned Left instead of making a Right along the way here". Back then there were no GPS devices so he remains lost and on his own. Like most guys, I suppose, he doesn't want to ask for directions (but, both he and I digress). Santa has room for everyone. Think of it in these terms, "How many folks does it take to make a Santa's Helper? Just one, but, they have to want to do it".

Santa is not espousing the Gospel of Jesus or anyone else's teachings. That honor is left, by design, entirely up to you. What is key here is that you remain engaged in life. Maturity is a process and mortality, well, that will just happen. My "Boss" has plans for you that Santa can never know. Just remember "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but, you can anticipate the North Pole's imposition". Do the right thing and don't come up here Freeze Dried, it's not pretty or fun. Santa is not into re-gifting either, SELAH.

...SC

Santa's Amish Christmas...Give Yourself A Breather

2011-11-16T10:21:00.000-08:00

...just don't breathe too deeply near the Barn.

When I ask kids "Would you like to celebrate Christmas Like Santa does?" most tell me yes. I then explain that "Santa doesn't get presents for Christmas, I make them and then deliver them on Christmas Eve." When I see their mind's light turn on, Santa seals the deal by suggesting that Aunts, Uncles, Grandmas and Grandpa's, would love to get something that you personally had made for them. Santa heard a plea from a friend that wanted everyone to back-off on gift giving this year. Santa's response is to get out your hammers, saws, glue and nails and "Get busy"!

For example, while traveling, in disguise, through the upper Midwestern United States, Santa came across a secular group of folks. Practicing a simple, somewhat isolated, farming lifestyle they pride themselves on self-sufficiency in all things. So it is at Christmas time. Exchanging gifts is very much a part of their holiday tradition. Instead of spending money to purchase gifts and toys, they spend their own sweat-equity.

Santa and my Amish Elves produce some great quilted toys like dolls, action figures, doll clothes and other accessories for all the kiddies. A favorite item for the girls is the quilted Darbie Doll. The Ruggles Beach Darbie Doll comes with her very own convertible buggy and Lake Eerie swimsuit sets. A popular set of Action Figures for both boys and girls is Captain Clem and his Home Fries Squadron. Complete with quilted armored carts, post hole diggers, quilted armored horses and canons made from table scraps the young Amish Warriors can snack and do battle at the same time.

Santa is also making Amish style clothing for moms and dads out of Bubble Wrap. Often used in protecting fragile items like glassware and pottery these sheets of bubble wrapping get recycled in visually evocative ways. I'm calling the new clothing line Overwinnaar-n-Victoria's Not-so Secret Moeder's Wrap. Bubble Wrap is also a great insulating material used to line those quilted windbreakers and outdoor jackets.

Lastly, Santa is making items out of authentic Amish Barnyard Manure. When treated and handled properly ABM is both a material molded into bricks, decorative lawn furniture and troll'esque sculptures. It takes a fertile and fertilized imagination to work successfully with ABM. The technology is pure Amishology, it's what you do with it that takes your inner Anabaptist and makes you a full-out Bananabaptist. So, for John's sake, be careful when out amongst them English.

...SC
....................TO BE CONTINUED.......................

An Inquiring Elf Wants To Know

2011-11-14T12:20:00.000-08:00

I have a Multi-National readership that I'd like to know better. Let me know who you are by writing me at jpweldon@earthlink.net

Thanks...Patrick Weldon

Santa's 7 Deadly Gifts...I'll Need A Note

2011-11-10T14:14:00.000-08:00

Santa has had to pare back on a few of his more popular gifts. That means to have me deliver them I'll need a note from your Parent or Guardian. No, they're not all some kind of weaponry or something that intuitively appears dangerous. Remember, even a front loading Clothes Dryer can be deadly in the wrong hands. Checkout "Dear Snatty Klaus" from an earlier Blog about the pre-"spellcheck" world of Letters to Santa. Ahh those were the days. Rarely do I get a handwritten List from kids anymore.

Santa, does not deliver live animals as Christmas gifts. Cats, Dogs, Hamsters, Lemmings and horses are simply not done. Santa can recommend places for folks to get them, of course, but I can't do this up at the North Pole. Not wanting to make a sales pitch, I'm up to my Elfish eyeballs in Polar Bear and Lion cubs. Thanks to Glanzia Hellrot, red with white trim, lion cubs are crawling all over my polar lion enclave. For kids that have already requested Polar Bear cubs you're familiar with my instructions for your Polar Bears. December 25th, in the more Southern climes, is cooler than the Summers. I tell the kids that by June and July the Bear cubs will be around 150lbs. and irritated from the heat.

Want a red with white trimmed Polar Lion Cub? Like the Polar Bears these critters are cute and cuddly as they climb the Christmas Tree (drapes, furniture, swim in the fish bowl and chew into the family Hamster) and batting ornaments under the sofa. Once again Santa has to warn kids that you need to properly manage your Polar Lion as it grows into a 200Lb., predatory, carnivorous, beast. Their first Summer may involve a swinging Pin~ata lion treat of a live lamb tied to a tree limb. Hey! it could serve as entertainment in some cultures.

Santa was asked to deliver a Flame Thrower by a child that simply oozed trouble from every pore. Santa didn't lie when I told the child that I stopped making Flame Throwers when I discovered a few of my Elfs melting furniture in Santa's Palace. Not wanting to disappoint, I said that with a note from an adult I could tell them where to find one. I then asked the child what color would you like it? He said BLACK. Oh NO, I told him, BLACK absorbs too much heat and it could explode. The boy went away satisfied that a connection had been made.

BB Guns, Red Ryder Lever Action, is the next gift that needs a note. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "You'll shoot your eye out kid" I'd have retired ages ago. Not too many blinded by BBs kids are out there. Santa will not retire until I'm good and ready but the BB Gun has become a restricted gift in the USA. Oh yeah, Santa doesn't make Full Auto pistols or rifles anymore. I still keep the factory in operational condition just incase that restriction goes away.

Santa no longer provides his "Nuclear Reactor In a Box" just for the asking. I wasn't told to stop, I just figured that the Nukes Kit had become a bad idea. Abusing the Nuclear Reactor Kit could lead to a Worldwide cataclysm. Santa still offers his Glowing and Non Glowing gifts inventory only as a reminder that the North Pole had gone fully nuclear around 7 years ago.

...SC

Muons and Taus, A Can of Energy Worms...Those Darned Neutrinos

2011-10-29T08:22:00.000-07:00

That's right, there I've said it. You've gone ahead and opened up a Can of Energy Worms. Don't get upset, Santa is just having some fun with you. Living in a contiguous energy reality, Speed (all relative), Distance (all relative) and Time (all relative) are all how you choose to perceive it. Metaphysicality, Mentalphysicality and the Physically Empirical intertwine providing your foundational worldly understanding. Did your world suddenly change from the knowledge that the speed of light is not symptomatic of an impenetrable barrier?

The barrier, as it exists, is really like stepping into a mirror. On one side you're looking toward it and on the other you're looking from it, inside-out. So the short answer is "NO", TIME and SPACE remains within your familiar grasp. Most folks still live their lives with a wristwatch and a commute. Santa, on the other hand, is one of the few individuals that adheres within the confines of a self imposed Calendar yet not within the constraint of Time. Both acting as a confluence of energy, TIME becomes fluid as does SPACE.

Now we're going to have some fun, bringing it all home with the confluence of energy and Empirical Physicality. Energy takes on many forms as we perceive them. That CERN Neutrino that arrived at its destination before departing to get there, is a principle that Santa has been comfortably using for all of my (nonexistent) years. Neutrinos continue to be collected in large pools of H2-O2, housed in caverns far underground. Actually seen, everything but Neutrinos get filtered out, having passed through miles of rock. Hyper and Hypo Neutrinos are perceived as energy bursts visually and audibly detected by a variety of Neutrino Counters. At last, the Hyper Neutrino has been long suspected and now spotted. Citing a time and energy confluence, the sub atomic particle seemed to be swimming upstream, an effect sited, by Santa, in an August 15th, 2009 Blog Article of mine. Read my "Principles of Energy Cavitation", very entertaining.

TIME and SPACE are fluid but Santa has to retain his physical stability by making use of SOAP or the "Solid On Arrival Principle". What good does it do for Santa to get into his Sleigh with Reindeer and all of the Christmas Presents if I can't return, intact, into Hypo Space. By bathing my sleigh in what I call "The Casual Quark" I make use of the negative attraction between it and the "Formal Quarks" thus producing a slip stream, an opening, through to the other side. It's like a slice of cosmic bacon going through an interstellar goose, SELAH.

Warning WARNING: Do not, DO NOT, tie String Theory to your slice of Cosmic Bacon unless you want to end up with a gaggle of Interstellar Geese!!!

...SC

Santa's Redwood City Gang, "S-TROOP"

2011-10-23T12:43:00.000-07:00

It's the day of Santa's visit on All Hallows Eve and all the Elves were stirring helping Santa to leave.

Disguising my looks, hoping to go undetected, I traveled to Redwood City, crossing borders uninspected.

Visiting my daughter, in a secret location, I can spend time on my grand kids vacation.

We chat and I tell them about what I've been doing, grooming the reindeer to keep'em from mooing.

The North Pole is busy this time of year but All Hallows Eve is a treat to be sure.

Santa and daughter will answer the door, Trick Or Treaters, bags ready, looking for more.

Ah, but here's the scary part as squeals of delight come from seeing Santa Claus in front and in sight.

I see their parents standing back to observe, being reminded that Christmas is around the curve.

They grab for their wallets and purses, sphincters wincing, while thoughts of gift spending have bank accounts flinching.

Well Mom and Dad, Uncles and Aunts, Tis the Season to think about giving. It's the one thing we do that makes life worth living.

Yes, Santa knows that tonight's Halloween and a few Trick or Treaters are clued into the scene.

The less distracted give me suggestions for gifts, I write down the notes while the Treaters take shifts.

Lastly, I remind folks about Santa's Snack as I place my personalized menus into their packs.

Milk and Cookies, Tomatoes and Beans, Thanksgiving Dinner, leftovers please.

I'm not fussy, do the best that you can, Santa will come visit with presents inhand.

...SC

A Saucy Little Varietal...I Call It Lil'Santy Of the Vineyard

2011-10-10T20:24:00.000-07:00

Wine making is a fine art that is only perfected after doing it many times. Santa owns land in valuable grape growing areas around the world. Santa's favorite wines are grown right here at the North Pole. For over a thousand years we've honed our wine making skills with our well schooled "Elvine-yard" workers. Of course, the grapes we use at the North Pole were genetically coaxed into thriving in our polar climate. The evolution of our current variety of grapes has become an interesting science in and of itself. Santa needed to know how a grape actually came together. I asked for help from my "Boss" and he declined. Instead He thought I'd be up to the challenge and would enjoy the process.

Here is an account of the grape problems that Santa had to overcome. Polar Grapes required constant irrigation to get that juicy content. Now, we have a lot of unsalted sweet tasting water up here but not really in a fluid, grape growing friendly, form. If you remember your chemistry lessons, saltwater doesn't freeze, just the H2O. We used to melt the snow and ice by strapping sacks of the stuff around live Polar Bears.

Plants, all plants, need a soil or a soil substitute to bring nutrients to them. 1200 years ago we developed what you folks call hydroponic farming. We used animal byproducts and various seaweeds as a nutrient rich mulch, AKA Fertilizer. The irrigation water would be pumped through the mulch, becoming a viable organic stew.

Last but not least we had to overcome the bitter polar cold. By unlocking the secrets of the Grape Genome, Santa could design fruit that could grow it's own insulation. Grapes with fur coats was an obvious choice. Designer fur was just frosting-on-the-cake. Awhile back we grew grapes with Elvis Hair and just recently introduced a very rich Trumpo Cabernet. We are still trying to develop a live Gamay Obamalais. The difficulty has always been getting that grape to actually stabilize it's flavor. In the wine making business the phrase used is Beau Coup Vigne Disquette, OR, too much flopping around.

Try some of Santa's Favorite Red Wines simply available for the asking. My famously sought after Dolcetto Rudolfo or the robust Brunollo Polario Orsacchiotto are great additions when feasting on a platter of Polar Bear Steaks or a bowl of Leopard Seal Ragout. Santa's Shiraz Du S'leigh is one of my High Flyers. It's a most entertaining varietal we like to call "Little Bozo Of the Vineyard". A clownish aroma and a slight "bite" to the taste buds, this wine always lands on it's feet (without a net).

Santa's White Wines are low acidity offerings, always a hit at any banquet. What Mrs. Claus likes best is my Sleigh Klangen Gewurztraminer. No busy signals with this one. She says it rings her bells all the time (hmmmm, we'll touch on that later. Oh No, Oh NO-NO-NO people. C'mon, help me out!). A very good Sparkling Wine is my Reindeer Riesling. It's a dry yet fruity wine with a tingling finish. The unique flavor comes from a Riesling Grape clothed in its very own caribou jacket while still on the vine. The grape does double duty because many of those grape caribou jackets, carefully removed, fit a very small doll I named Gertrude Shtein-kins.

Are you interested??? Write Santa for his Wine List OR ask for Santa's Sampler Six Pack. I'll be happy to deliver my Wine Samplers. BTW, I don't charge taxes so, depending on your State or Country please remit the taxes to the proper authorities.

...SC

Santa Gives A Conscience...Yumpin' Yim'ny Junebug

2011-09-30T12:17:00.000-07:00

Santa likes to give these little conscience jogging guys out to the folks on my Lump'o-Coalers List. No, not to the 1st time offenders but to the repeat offenders. Santa's Junebugs are heavily schooled in all of the defining permutations of "Right and Wrong". It's an important skill being able to make the distinction between the two concepts. By sticking your very own Yumpin' Yim'ny Junebug in your school lunchbox you always have a conscience, to fall back on, at your fingertips. When in an indecisive moment you ask yourself "What Would YYJ Do?" the answer comes to you in a small, muffled, voice. Of course, in this day-n-age, you could wear your YYJ as an earring or on a chain -/- necklace. Oh yes, Santa provides a Junebug Language Learning CD to get you started on the lumps'o-coal free Christmases.

If you've read some of Santa's past blogs you know that Santa delivers only lumps of coal that are fine,   professionally mounted, geologic specimens of both Anthracite or Bituminous lumps.The third Lump'o-Coal also comes with your fully schooled Yumpin' Yim'ny Junebug. Santa loves to hear back from my YYJ recipients telling me all about their successes,how they turned Christmas into a truly joyous occasion. Here are a couple of my favorite accounts.

Little Mitchel kabullah and his sister Bipit I'bullah Mullah were both ill behaved children. At the request of their parents they each got their own Yumpin' Yim'ny Junebugs along with their 3rd lumps-o-coal. To illustrate the problem both kids were bullying their classmates, stealing lunch money, skipping school and creating chaos in the classroom. The last straw was when little Mitchel Mullah put a lit M80 bomb in the boys bathroom toilet. Their mom and dad, Kullah and Shmuel, were called in to discuss the damage and other pressing issues. Yim'ny J. had a lot of work ahead him.

If you know anything about Junebugs then you know they can bite. Don't worry, they're just getting your attention. Both Mitch and Bipit sat down and studied the Junebug lexicography Cd's because as much as they tried to lose their Junebugs they kept finding the way back. You see, negotiating their way out of a dilemma was NOT part of their experience. What were their Junebugs saying to them? In basic Junebuggeese " Ittl chirp chirp buzzee buzz buzzee" means "Don't Do That". "Buzzee buzz buzzee chirp chirp ittl" means "Go Ahead, Do It". You'll need to get the language CD for more specific understanding. Really, it's a binary conscience after all. Both Mitch and Bipit I'bullah now had a very simple process to follow. Go figure, they just needed a "BBB", a biting binary bug.

Yet another of my favorite stories revolves around Sarah Isha kabibbel. Young Sarah was not a bad girl she simply needed to be inspired to unleash her inner Junebug. We all have an inner Junebug from birth. Have you noticed that the capacity to want your own way at the expense of the wants or needs of others? A child never needs to be taught to be "bad" yet they must be taught the rules of being "good". Sarah's inner Junebug epiphany was when she learned that she was NOT the center of the Universe. That moment usually occurs early on in life yet sometimes, for those late bloomers, that particular talent doesn't develop on it's own. The one - two - three "Lumps-o-Coal" later and the WWYYJD factor raises the right questions for a successful life.

Sarah is actually a tougher job for Santa's Yumpin' Yim'ny Junebug therapy. The "Good" and "Bad" lines are known yet not clearly drawn. The binary format doesn't work well for a seemingly rational mind. Too many excuses, too many rationals, create a foundation to build a life from mushy, unstable, bricks. If you're a Universalist then all things GO. Santa remembers the 1960s phrase "If it feels 'good', do it". This is not the Yumpin' Yim'ny Junebug's message. If someone is selling It or you can get It doesn't ever mean you should acquire or ascribe to It. Regardless, Sarah needed more than Don't or Do information. Santa's YYJ gift gave Sarah a life that satisfied and not one that selfishly spent the worldly wealth at the expense of others. My job is done. Where's my YYJ T-Shirt?

...SC

Be the Gift, Join The Santy-n-Cycle Cooperative

2011-09-13T10:58:00.000-07:00

Whenever Santa comes into contact with his fans I'm besieged by all sorts of queries about how my North Pole operation works. Only recently have I been asked about how the materials I use to make the gifts, candies, cakes and all of the other goodies people have come to expect for Christmas, gets to my workshops. Prior to World Wars I and II, no one really cared to find out. Santa has MAGIC at his finger tips and that concept seemed to be a reasonable explanation. A snap of my fingers and a puff of smoke, Santa makes it all happen and up the Chimney I rose. Now, you know it's more complicated than that.

About 80 years ago, around the start of World War II, the drive was on for recycling metal, sugar, cooking grease, rubber and any other commodity that could be reused for the "War Effort". Every country that could, encouraged the collecting of what was once considered throw away waste. Gasoline for Planes, Tanks, transport vehicles and, yes, explosives was made from used cooking oil and Lard. Tin cans became the raw material for producing Mess Kits, Canteens, Buttons and Belt Buckles. Rubber could be melted down to all terrain tires and soles for boots and shoes. Recycling became a byword for the time.

Santa Claus has been recycling the workshop "waste" for centuries. The North Pole is up to it's geographical eyeballs with ice and snow. We have no natural sources for trees, rubber, plastics, paint, glue or nails. Everything we use has to be acquired off site. I make sure to leave space in the sleigh to bring back valuable, hard-to-get (that's just about everything), materials for the workshop. Through the years I've run into people, that doesn't include the infamous Reindeer and Grandma incident, that have provided the resources that allowed me to go High-Tech. My "Rare Earth" Warehouse is now bursting at the seams with the stuff. Thanks to my Amish supporters, I have enough "stuffing" material to make millions of stuffed animals and my new line of "Broccoli Patch Dolls". It's a pet GREEN project that Santa likes.

Have you caught the Santy-n-Cycle vision? I need your help to reinforce the future of Christmas presents. You folks keep breeding and the result is I need to make more presents. Write me and I can let you know where you can send your discarded waste. A better way to avoid those onerous shipping charges is to leave your goods, labeled DONATION, next to your chimney or on the plate of milk-n-cookies. Santa will accept anything from bottles of an "Adult Beverage" (single malt Scotch preferred) to Gold, Silver, Palladium and precious gems. Santa will issue receipts for tax purposes and/or whatever your government will allow as a donation incentive.

Now that I've already mentioned Santa's plate of milk-n-cookies, I digress into that very traditional snack. Santa's favorite cookie is homemade Chocolate Chip, extree gooey in the center, cookies and iced milk. For those that have visited me at the Hillsdale Mall you know that Birdseed, not apples, are what my reindeer prefer, it helps their flying abilities. Getting back to Santa's needs, my reindeer buddy Rudolph likes those cherry tomatoes to help keep his red nose stay red. BTW, the Helper in my sleigh loves avocados. Because we have to travel across the Pacific Ocean without many stops, Santa can get very hungry. Santa would enjoy any Thanksgiving leftovers from the freezer. A 7 Course Turkey dinner would be greatly appreciated. Leaving a plate of Turkey, Dressing, Mashed Potatoes, Gravy, Pearl Onions, Green Beans and Cranberry Sauce (Santa loves Cranberry Sauce) would be grand. If possible, Santa would like a slice of Pumpkin Pie. The real back-story is in my "...Tales From The Igloo" archives. Check it out.

...SC

The "Jr. Presidential Campaign Kit" For the Lil'Candidate

2011-09-01T11:02:00.000-07:00

It's September and Santa has been tooling around in his personal Toy R and D Lab. A busy year, thus far, Santa is putting the final touches to several projects of interest. One of my favorites for Christmas 2011 is the "Junior Presidential Campaign Kit". I want it to inspire civic awareness in all of my young friends down South in the United States. Getting them ready to experience the reality/non reality of the 2012 Presidential Primaries and the political conventions. The process is already underway.

Having a good public relations strategy is quintessential to running a presidential campaign. Getting your name infront of John and Jane Q. Public is in the making and distributing of eye-popping CAMPAIGN BUTTONS. Santa includes a CD of patriotic backgrounds that one can place their face onto, in the kit. Santa includes a Website address that will allow you to do this. There are 50 Button blanks, complete with safety fasteners to get you started.

The responsible Jr. Candidate will also be in possession of several public awareness, monitoring, tools. Polls and Polling ploys are required to bring the "Lil'Candidate" a dose of reality. Santa has included a box of colored soda straws to use as a polling device. Invite some of your friends over to your house. Have mom fix some snacks. Invite everyone to sit around the table. This rudimentary STRAW POLL, eating and sipping sodas through the straws, creates a setting to discuss the popularity of your ideas and to assess chances for success. To let your friends know that you are environmentally sensitive (always a sucker-punch) Santa has included a package of hibernating baby frogs, just add water. They make nice thank you gifts for the participants. Call it taking a Tadpole Poll.

Taking charge of your profile projection means taking charge of the press coverage for your campaign. Santa has provided a series of templates to allow for a wide range of situations encountered along a typical campaign tour. I've included a Press Release that explains a poorly attended political event. A Press Release to cover groups of hecklers having taken over one of your campaign stops complete with a list of verbal comebacks. Last but not least, "The Gaffe Wheel" Press Release Form for speeches, made in public, apparently more spontaneous than others. Explaining verbal gaffes like not knowing how many States currently in the Union or the name of a hometown sports team requires a certain, plausible. response. Define your gaffe, spin the response wheel and fire back at your detractors.

The purpose of running a Presidential Campaign is to defeat your political opponents. Santa is including a computer game called "Incumbent Corner". Political incumbents are assumed to hold the advantage against all challengers. The "Jr. Presidential Campaign Kit" makes the assumption that you are not campaigning as the incumbent. The strategy of an incumbent campaign is to turn the challenger's responses into reactive responses. In this way the incumbent office holder takes control of their opponent's campaign. To successfully block this ploy the Jr. Campaigner can easily weave the incumbents chiding into a showcase of their own ideas making a difference between the two. The Incumbent Corner game provides this skill.

Lastly, I'm including a hands-on board game called "Politicopollee". The Game board contains advancing squares labeled with Campaign Stops, Primary Election Locations, Community Meeting Halls and the so called Kissing Babies events. There will be four card drawing squares on the board that will direct you to four stacks of cards. These cards can either promote or degrade your campaign strategies. The card stacks are labeled Job Creation, Bureaucracies, Regulatory Provisos and New Taxes. The participants will draw traveling markers like Limousines, SUVs, Private Jets and pseudo "I'm just one of you guys" transportation modes.

Write me, Santa Claus, for more details. Ask for your "Jr. Presidential Campaign Kits" early to ensure a timely, Christmas, delivery.

...SC

Yippeee, It's Snurkey Season...Grab the 12ga.

2011-06-16T14:43:00.000-07:00

The Wild Snurkey, AKA the Polar Snow Turkey, spends its entire life up at the North Pole. A large, bilingual, bird that weighs on the average around 80-90 Pounds. Fully grown, and a magnificent flier, the extended wings span the length of an adult Narwhal. In flight the Snurkey can create a slip-stream large enough to knock a medium sized reindeer out of the sky. Santa loves the bird and it is in the spirit of conservation that we conduct the hunt.

Too many Snurkeys and the North Pole comes to a halt. Reindeer can't complete flight training, Elves get swept into the next county by a low flying Snurkey's slip-stream and if Santa's Sleigh hits one of these on Take-Off, WELL, that simply can't happen. My other agenda is that Santa has to feed 14,000 Elves at any given time and an over 1,200 Reindeer herd. Santa's reindeer are omnivorous critters by necessity. The Snurkey Shoot/Hunt helps out Santa's Larder.

Santa would like to offer a fully dressed Snurkey for your Thanksgiving celebration. Yeah, a bird that averages 80-90lbs. is more appropriate for a "full frontal" family reunion. Order now and shipping is free. Ignore the "Best When Used By Jan. 27th, 1772" label. If the truth be known, I've served Mastodons that still make their own, delicious, gravy.

Let's talk about how to prepare a freshly blasted Polar Snurkey. Most importantly the Snurkey must be stripped of all Strategic Nuclear Weapons. "SNWs" are a part of the Nuclear North Pole reality to be dealt with. The safest method used is to atom smash your Snurkey on the sidewalk until it has no chewability. Yep, its like enjoying a cup of "Snurkey In the Straw", or, Snurkey Bisque. In all seriousness, Snurkeys are an important food staple up at the North Pole.

The Recipe: Take one fully grown Snurkey and remove the wings so you can have it fit in your kitchen. If Bar-B-Que is your focus, the wings are allowed.

#1. The best method to remove the feathers is to not bother. It's a big bird and needs a high flame for cooking. The feathers are smokey but that doesn't last too long and the after aroma is a nice effect.

#2. Next, chop off the Snurkey's feet and set them aside to be part of the "Special" sauce.

#3. Cooking the Snurkey must come from both the inside and outside. Heated rocks or burning charcoal must be placed in the cleared cavity and applied to the exterior. This is really an art and please feel free to contact Santa as questions arise.

#4. A fully cooked Snurkey has a white or a dark color to it. Do NOT eat a reddish colored Snurkey. The optimum temperature is at 500 F, at the center, for 18 minutes.

#5. The Gravy was already rendered in the first 20 minutes. Add the veggies of choice and spice to suit.

Santa used to bring the 20mm automatic machine gun on the hunts. I had to stop because the Snurkeys had too much of their nutritional value blown away. That being said, the North Pole "Snurkey Shoot" remains a popular pass-time. The US Dept. Of Defense has remained interested with how Santa and a successful Snurkey Shoot melds with functional, Polar, daily activities. The US DOD folks Feel that the US Citizenry has become too, too, entrenched in a fantasy reality. More and more it appears that most US folks just expect their needs to be met by some bureaucratic "Hack".

Shoot a few Polar Snurkeys and you'll catch the vision. Get your Snurkey tags from http://santasbloodthirstyslurp.com/Snurkey and come out to enjoy the hunt. Help Santa control the Snurkey population and feed the Elves. Don't forget, ask Santa to reserve your very own Snurkey in time for Thanksgiving.

...SC

It's FESS Time...Wedding (Snow) Bells Are Ringing

2011-06-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

That's right, every June at the North Pole, we experience "Frisky Elf Spawning Season", discovered over a thousand years ago by Erroneous M. Parker, my Chief Social Engineer. Together with his good buddy, Ebbs N. Elfborn, they officially recognized the behavioral anomaly. On Santa's Calendar Clock, between June O'clock and half past July, we have built in a stand-down time to allow participating elves their space. Let's face it, a happy Elf is a contented Elf. Take it from Santa, you don't want to have to deal with a riled up Elf. Munchniks on steroids is not a pretty sight.

Over the years E. Parker's FESS time has developed several celebratory events in the June O'clock hour. The Elves wanted Marriages even Same Elf Marriages. Don't misunderstand Santa, a Same Elf Marriage is when an Elf wants all of the perks of being married without relational commitments. In fact, Elf marriages have a whole set of dynamics that other populations miss. In an Elf marriage there is no "Until death do you part". Unless an Elf disappears by being eaten by a Polar Bear or an angry Leopard Seal they just don't die. Going on and on they simply get more experience at what they do and Santa never has to dole out Elf Retirement Benefits or set up Elf Retirement Homes.

Santa only has one serious problem with FESS time. Elf Creationism, sanctioned by my "Boss", is all about making-making-making more Elves. I don't build them, they don't come tumbling off of an Elf Assembly Line. Starting and stopping the Elf population is not an option for Santa. In fact, I have a suspicion that Mrs. Claus enjoys our own FESS time celebrations. We have no "Zero Elf Family Planning Movement". Hey! Santa is now an Elf himself, with all of those Elfish traits and I don't plan on being prematurely eaten.

Not wanting to dwell on the onerous details of dealing with FESS time, let's get into the other fun celebrations surrounding the Polar June O'clock and half past July O'clock. Leading up to the actual wedding, the Elves hold something called a "Shiver-eeee". Elves in the wedding party, shed their clothes and stand shivering in the E. Parker FESS Lot until the sound of chattering Elf teeth drowns out the music from the Band. The celebration ends when the Groom kidnaps his Bride and escapes into the Groom's Mansion (more like an Igloo) that had been prepared for the occasion.

"Frisky Elf Spawning Season" makes us sound as if we Elves are somehow genetically linked to uninhibited, spawning, Salmon swimming upstream. I apologise if that's your understanding of Santa's explanation for June-n-July's FESS activities. When you think about it most cultures have a form of FESS built in to them. June Weddings follow a long Winter and a cheery Spring. "Friskiness" is what we all deal with. How we deal with it is up to your cultural parameters. Of course, Santa is a parameter in and of himself.

...SC

"Cranny-Be-Gone", OR, How to Throw Crannies Under the Bus

2011-05-30T11:48:00.000-07:00

On October 27th of 2009 Santa wrote about the new SC & EB Full Medical and Life Assurance Company. In it, I described my special PIS Service to thwart the dreaded Premature Inanimacy Syndrome. Officially called the PISS Policy it involves taking the "Prematurely Inanimate" on a Sleigh ride traveling past the speed-o-light thus reversing the time and space dynamic. The "PI" is brought back to full rejuvenation. If counseling is required to prevent this condition from happening again, we provide a fully credentialed Staff just for that purpose.

What Mrs. Claus asked me to do was something less extreme. She always likes to look her best when out on the town anywhere South of the North Pole. For those that can't just hop into a personal Sleighback Machine to look younger, a topical, sub speed-o-light, product to rid the wrinkled skin was needed. Mrs. Claus would like to have this ready for Christmas 2011. Santa got the Prototype R&D Lab fired up, after getting back from vacation, and went straight to work. I'd better get this right, Mrs Claus has already e-mailed her friends to let them know what's coming.

As the joke goes "There's only one thing lower than light speed and that's the sub speed-o-light". That being said the speed of light is nothing to play around with. Santa is not actually trying to reverse aging with this product I'm only going to simulate the affect. As one runs up to achieving light speed, time slows to a crawl. Going past the speed of light, visible light gets absorbed into a quantum energy jump and will disappear onto a parallel plane. From this side of the energy shift your skin, still present, becomes invisible to the naked eye. Not a pretty sight going past sight-speed.

Two objectives are being targeted. Santa's Chemists are working on a patentable substance to tighten skin and remove visible crannies. My Physicists are perfecting the sub light speed technology that will allow the product to last for atleast a month while lowering the cost of production. These tasks are very easy for Santa Claus. After all, my Sleigh plays with time and space like a cheap Fiddle in a Jugband. Calibrating the Sub-light Speedometer and a subdural chip implant delivery system or SCIDS is the hard part of this project. The implanted chip is a one time, self administered, procedure that comes with an Instructional Surgical DVD and lasts for a lifetime. You choose where you want to place the chip, either a hand or the forehead works best. So far we've calibrated 665 of the subdural chips and we'll hold off further processing until Mrs. Claus gives her approval to continue.

Folks, remember that Santa is just a facilitator working on your behalf. Write to me with your ideas, suggestions, send your drawings along for this coming Christmas and I'll work on it this Summer. I'm sure my "Boss" will be involved along the way.

...SC

Line 'em Up...Take the Hands Outta th' Pockets

2011-05-14T12:43:00.000-07:00

May 10th and it's time to follow the yellow brick road, rather the yellow tape on the floor. Time for the yearly Elf Psychiatric Testing and Evaluation. You see folks living up here in the harsh polar environment can get a bit stressed. Santa has adopted an interdictive and preventive strategy to head off the dreaded Snow Ball Fever Syndrome. There are only a handful of SBFS specialists, Santa calls upon, that will actually do the evaluations. Their identities must remain TOP SECRET because having to explain that they spend time psychiatrically evaluating Santa's Elves, at the North Pole, would be bad for business.

The "Boss" started me off by giving me the names of His favorite evaluator team of Doctors R. U. Krayzee and Ketchem V. Kann. In turn, they brought in Drs. Donweiry B. "Happy" Hapstone and Oops "Tin Man" Sinkhair Sibling, one of Doc Sid's cousins. Santa is currently using 7 folks that must forever remain nameless for their personal protection. For now we'll just refer to them as "Santa Team Seven". The STS Group has performed admirably throughout the past decade, culling out the elves-on-the-edge. Sometimes their therapeutic measures seem to be a bit extreme, but, when an Elf goes really bad there's not much else to do but to "Retire" them.

One of the telltale symptoms is what we call the "Thousand Toy Store Stare". The impassive expressionless face of a toy making Elf is a dead give away. Why, we've pulled Elves off the toy assembly line that had ended up assembling the same toy for days without end. The second most prevalent symptom would be "The Tinsel Stuffer". Often fixating on a Christmas Tree decoration, the Elf or Elfette would take the trouble to secretly pack a present with tinsel, strings of popcorn or even pine cones and chestnuts. "The Face Painter" is a SBFS Elf that finds diversion in making faces on toys where no faces should go. Sometimes a Smiley Face and sometimes a really strange looking face will show up on a Soccer Ball, a pair of Sneakers, a Train Engine or the head of a Banjo (now that's crazy in and of itself). By the way, we try not to use the word "crazy". Instead we're taught to use the term "Reality Challenged". So if you get one of these "Face Painter" gifts consider yourself blessed and you don't need therapy unless you were the one painting the face.

Part of the Testing and Evaluation process has to do with answering a skillfully crafted questionnaire. True or False and Multiple Choice selections such as:

1. When confronted by a Polar Bear do you;
a. Run ... b. Try to make friends ... c. Paint a face on the Bear's tuchas ... d. Make yourself appear as large as you can (not easy for someone only 32 inches tall) ... e. All of the above

2. As you pass through the doors of the Toy Making Factory do you;
a. Charge the doors head first ... b. Try to walk through the doors on your hands ... c. In a loud, booming voice, declare that you are the Barber Of Fleet Street and I'm late for an appointment ... d. Calmly smoke a cigarette, lean against a lamp post and mimick Marlena Dietrich ... e. None of the above (explain in 200 words or less).

3. True or False, never, ever, eat yellow snow.

4. True or False, Candi Canes make good lock pics.

5. True or False, when making yellow snow never write your name.

6. When in the process of being constrained do you;
a. Offer to tie the sleeves of the jacket behind your back, yourself ... b. Scream out "Nobody leave the room, somebody stole my gal" ... c. Admit to being the one that kidnapped the Lindbergh Baby ... d. Intimidate by saying "Stand back I've got an Accordion." ... e. Ask for Rudolph the Reindeer to be your Attorney.

Santa expects the Elf Psychiatric Testing and Evaluation to last until Saturday of next week. My "Boss" tells me that to go beyond the 21st will create a dynamic resulting in the nullification of the test. "Don't ask" He says. There must be something in the wind.

...SC

When What Was Old Becomes New (Again ?)...You'll See

2011-04-17T13:11:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh, Spring is in the air somewhere South of the North Pole. Winter's CHILL has turned into Spring's CHill. As Santa looks out across the snowy plane I see tiny Ice Blooms poking up all over. The Lemmings are frolicking along the coast and the Polar Bears are busy looking for them. We always keep our bears well supplied with food and shelter. Like all of the Boss' creatures they still have their characteristic lifestyles. Hunting and foraging critters are still on the prowl so Santa has to stay alert.

All of our North Polar Seasons happen within a single, very long, day. 6 months of daylight and 6 months of night makes for a unique sense of TIME. As for SPACE, please, don't get me started. Suffice it to say our 4 seasons are "chill", "chiLL", "CHILL" and "CHill". Cyclical and circular, it is what defines Santa's gifts. Balls, dolls, tools that look like Dad's, tools that look like Mom's, competitive games and toys that stimulate the creative mind are still around. Only the accessories change to make what is conceptually old seem new.

I remember what my good buddy Zeke Sibling described to me. He told me about circles within circles, intersecting wheels that spun around while attached to the 4 seasons of men. "Change is an illusion that men feed themselves inorder to stay focused." After all, we are all competitive beings both wanting and fearing change at the same time. My "Boss" had that built in to us as His gift of PEACE. It's the gift you don't miss until your PEACE runs out.

Think about the Christmas Presents you've gotten throughout the years from Santa Claus. They never quite met your expectations did they. Some how you made do with the gift but it remained a memory that had you choose more wisely the following year. Finally your mind grasped that all of the Christmas Presents simply became "Stuff". Your wants were still tied to the concepts, but, not to all of that "Stuff" that was supposed to satisfy. Did you store the STUFF, break the STUFF or simply toss the STUFF onto the trashheap of a life moving on? Many have done the same things with Santa only to return, having learned the power of Santa's Teaching.

I've been a witness to the Cycles and the "Circles within Circles" that my Christmas Presents elicit from my clientele. Zeke Sibling had it right all along. If what comes from the outer wheel will not satisfy then you must look to the wheel within. I pity the person that cannot find satisfaction in either place. Their pending adventure gets harder the older they become. Fearing change is a powerful force to be reckoned with and, sorry to say, fear usually wins that race.

Ezekiel (Sibling) 1:15-18 in it's original language and entire context is not a mystery. The filter of time, the languages of man and their personal agendas are the culprit in a confusing concept. Santa's job is to put flesh to the G-d's word. Santa likes the Toys and "Stuff" as teaching aids. It makes the medicine go down in a most delicious way. 1,740 years must account for something...

...SC

The Antlered Angels Take To the Air...Their Summer Job

2011-04-10T12:40:00.000-07:00

Santa's Sleigh Team is about to embark on their usual Summer time pass time. To keep their flying skills honed to a fine edge I've trained my reindeer for acrobatic maneuvers that would put a Top Gun Graduate to shame. Diving, twisting and soaring to astronautical heights, they perform as The Antlered Angels. Though Santa does not take sides in politics my Antlered Angels used to perform duties similar to today's  "Spy Satelites". Santa's "Boss" would usually give the OKEE DOKEE to such assignments. Now, of course, my reindeer perform at Air Shows all over the world. I have to admit it's fun for me too.

Granny or Grampa were never run over by any of my reindeer. Identity theft is always a problem for my Deciduous, Mammalian, iconic ROCK STARS. Santa's Reindeer has included many members of note. Most know them from a storybook accounting so let me set the history straight. If you've read my past Articles you already know that reindeer are not my only choices. MacFergusson, my Reinbull, was an important element of my team in the 1400s. Let's name them off. Team #1 consisted of Prancerian, Danceicus, Cometus, Cupidaromas, Sparculenium, Miriam, Julianus and Moishe. Rudolph was to come along much later. My reindeer Oedipus had issues and I had to send her back to Hoof Camp.

Let's talk about some of The Antlered Angel's more intricate, show stopping, antics. We do something called the Preposterous Pumpkin Plotz. Harnessed to Santa's Sleigh we head straight up, skyward, trailing one mile of tethered Pumpkins behind. As the reindeer approach the 59,000 Ft level I pull the trigger that releases their reins. The Pumpkins are then sent Earthward at 32ft per second per second. The first time we did this it had near disastrous results. No fatalities, thanks to my "Boss", but, I swear on a stack of Torahs that I was told they could fly. Well that's all water under the bridge and I have a greater respect for Squash.

Our "Southern Belle" display, in the US, has always been a crowd pleaser south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Santa's Sleigh, always an aerodynamic oddity, slows down to a crawl around 100 feet above the audience. The tune The New Aristocracy is played as the Reindeer prance and twirl in perfect cadence. Santa then drops Magnolia Blossoms from his Sleigh while whistling Dixie. My reindeer are all dressed up as Confederate Generals and the applause reaches its loudest when Nathan Bedford Forrest's nose lights up a brilliant red.

When performing down in the USA, Santa attempts to create a display in honor of the current President. The Roosevelts, Jimmy Carter, Ron Reagan, Bill Clinton and the Bush's all have had an act to encapsulate their administrations. President Obama has been difficult to portray except as a simple Fly Over. It's been hard to best pin him down. Santa knows that the current President is an ardent Basketball fan. My latest performing tactic is to have my reindeer shooting "Hoops". I'm afraid that "dribbling" the actual ball has not been possible so we've taken play acting at the affect. We're gonna give the Act a few more months and if we can't perfect it, it'll be packed away as just one more basket case.

The Antlered Angels are approximately 2/3rds of the way through this year's training. Our first show will be held in Myanmar. We've gotten used to working in Myanmar. When it was known as Burma the reindeer had too many "close shaves". Santa stays away from locations giving close shaves out of necessity.

...SC

The "Buc Buc Buc Buc" Stops Here...I'm Not Passin' Nothin'

2011-04-03T15:56:00.000-07:00

Santa has gotten used to having kids and adults try to pull the Christmas Stocking over Santa's eyes. I see it in their letters and lists they send me. The multiple choice maneuver is a sophisticated bluff. Just incase the person has failed to make Santa's "A" List they'll place their real present request in last place. Another overused ploy is the letter sent to Santa, declaring the incredible "Goodness" of the Author. This is rife with suspicion because Santa has his own OGLED staff. The "Official Goodness List and Evaluations Department" can deflate the self proclaimed goodness factor. Lastly, a bluffing strategy that tells Santa a sob story is an attempt to elicit sympathy that may win Santa over to an even better present. A good sob story and an ambiguous request may actually work on Santa. Being a cultural Icon, I'm still human, right???

Let's explore how this game of political "Chicken" uses these bluffing techniques. As with Santa, there are people trying to persuade you into seeing issues through their lens. The Multiple Choice Maneuver is also what we call "The Dog and Pony Show" and is intended to either dazzle you with brilliance or baffle you with chickenshit presentations. Building the Multiple Choice List means that you start listing resulting scenarios, the WHAT IFs, with the most onerous first. "No new taxes??? Well we're going to have to layoff tons-o-Public Service Workers, cut back on Social Funding, cinch up our belts and knockoff all of the little benefits given the less fortunate". Last on the list is "With a Tax extention, paying more in Fees and learning to budget responsibly we'll maintain the status quo in our lives". More funding for your State often translates into "If we don't use it, we lose it", Politicians!!! Santa knows all about rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, SELAH.

The "I Can't Get Much Better" ploy is declaring inherent, undeniable, Goodness. Building a strong looking presentation to reinforce the merits of a plan to thwart reasonable disagreement has become an art form. You get labeled as a fool or simple minded to not see GOODNESS in the plan. This is the time that you reach back and draw from your very own OGLED database. That strong looking presentation turns out to be an impressive looking facade that has no depth. One hundred feet square but only a 32nd of an inch thick makes a lovely house of cards. Ogled up close, you find it would collapse with the 1st wind storm that came along. You're not stupid, do a "Fact Check" and make sure that "House" has a full deck in it.

A very effective strategy, that Santa gets hit with, is the 1st person "sob" story. That old saying "A picture is worth a thousand words" blasts you with an emotional salvo. The red flag to look for is when the message is loaded with mixed metaphors. The under-the-radar theme is best stated "All of my friends have them" and therefore I deserve one too. Give me a picture of a wide eyed child or person in need of (your WANT here). With a few well chosen sentences Santa has been persuaded to up the ante. That well directed picture, dangled infront of your eyes, serves as unspoken words to convince. Santa's suggestion to you is to balance your heart with with your mind. Yet another job for your personal Official Goodness List and Evaluations Department.

Don't get me wrong, Santa enjoys a good game of "Chicken". Identifying that what is happening is a game of "Chicken" is very important. That's the hard part because until you've played a few rounds and get to know your opponents you'll end up blinking too soon.

...SC

Santa's Gift Of Pure JOY...A Few Words and Letters

2011-03-24T11:24:00.000-07:00

One of the fun perks, being Santa Claus, is receiving the letters from kids. They plead with me for that special Christmas gift, often listing alternates in case choice #1 isn't available. These days Santa gets a lot of letters composed with any number of computer desktop writing applications. Santa doesn't ever give out his personal phone number any more. Instead I have a service that intercepts communications from e-mails, social networks and smoke signals. http://b];=0%7d.com/ Even Rudolph has a Website to let you communicate with the other reindeer.

Santa's favorite letters are the ones that are handwritten, by kids, all spelling glitches allowed. Sure, it may take some extra patience for Santa to decipher a Letter, but, the chuckles make it all worthwhile. The "stuff" focused letters are spelling sensitive illustrated by a young child asking for a Christmas Hearse complete with Sattle and Bride. Sounds like the theme from an animated horror film. Yet another child asked Santa for Dancing Lessons. The little girl wanted to know the difference between North and South "Pole" dancing and could Santa suggest a choice.

If I had a favorite "Stuff" focused letter, from 2010, it would be the one asking for a "Black Flame Thrower". Santa felt the need to respond to the requester in a friendly, mentoring, mode saying "We no longer make 'Flame Throwers' at the North Pole when we discovered some Elves using them irresponsibly. They were singeing the Reindeer, Lemmings and melting their "Ice" furniture". Then I sealed the deal by telling him that Black was a bad color for a Flame Thrower. "Black absorbs the heat and could explode without warning". Not wanting the child to be let down, Santa suggested a popular alternative. "How about Santa sending you a Gerbil Launcher". Now that's the kind of "Stuff" that Urban Legends are made from.

Once again, Santa gets letters from the young, future, Scientists, Architects, Engineers and Physicists. The kids that send me letters with the plans for a Tree House. These kids are looking for Santa to deliver the building materials. They are very willing to nail and cement the construction project together, themselves. The burgeoning Physicists are interested in what Santa uses for Sleigh Power, not buying into the flying reindeer scenario. Most will be satisfied with my explanation coupled with the rudimentary math work to get them started. KEC, "Kinetic Energy Cavitation" coupled with "Tinsel and Trimmings Theory" that bends space and time, should keep them occupied for awhile.

Santa likes reading the letters from kids wanting puppies, kittens, their very own pony or rabbit. The real kicker comes from the kids that request a real Santa's Reindeer, Dinosaur, Penguin, Lion or Polar Bears. I have to explain that Santa will not make an animal. There was that unfortunate incident with Victor Frankenstein, several hundred years ago and I decided not to play around with Bio-Engineering (anymore). That being said, I do have a number of Kits, for kids, that like making models. My alternate solution, for those wanting a pet, is to say that I can tell your parents where to find one.

Letters to Santa Claus often reflect the conversations that happen when I go around visiting Shopping Malls all around the World. By publishing these yearly letters and my responses hopefully will clarify why you can't always get what you want. Santa will always do his best to provide a Safe-n-Sane Christmas for all AND Don't forget the REASON FOR THE SEASON, now that's a gift to hang on to.

...SC

No-PEESU...the North Pole Elf Employee Service Union

2011-03-12T07:58:00.000-08:00

So, you may ask, why do Elves and the rest-o-th'-(North Pole) gang need to be unionized? Everyone, working with Santa, is very much a volunteer. In fact we're all handmade by "The Boss" to fit into our specific jobs. The reindeer, lemmings, polar bears, polar lions and their staff all "mesh" together like cogs on a wheel. The "Boss" often referred to Santa's operation as one of His "meshiest".

Originally divided into Guilds, Santa's workforce sought equal status with each other. Our Candy Cane Guild wanted the same representation with Santa as the Guild members of SNACK, the Santa Nuclear Accelerator Committee of Know-it-alls. Now, Santa had already made a list designating the importance of each Guild allowing The North Pole to function. Let's face facts, the SNACK Guild runs Santa's fully Nuclear Powered Village and regulates the Glowing-n-Non-Glowing Gifts. Santa's Confectioners Guild, as tasty as that may sound, is not a Christmas "Show Stopper" (Santa's opinion) should it suddenly come to a halt. Nonetheless, Santa's "Boss" has blessed all Guilds equally.

Which came first the Guilds or the No-PEES Union? Santa says that they came through the same door, hand-n-hand. It is actually an exercise in semantics. Santa has been accused of being Anti-Semantic, but, a Guild by another name is really a Union. A Union is nothing more than a legalized Guild. If you'll allow Santa to use a Biblical analogy, the "Boss" set up an era of "Judges" instead of Kings and Queens. Unions have led the North Pole into a period of adjudicated regulations.

The Polar Unions are being supported by Santa's "Boss" as a learning experience. Equality amongst Guilds and adjudicated parity, between Labor and Management, requires responsibility from their members. Santa was the Great Equalizer for the Guilds. The "Boss' Judges" are now in charge for the time being. Don't worry about Christmas being cancelled due to some No-PEES Union Strike. The great lesson to be had for them is that Christmas is not about the gifts or those that produce them.

Santa is not about the gifts. I'm all about the spirit of generosity as an expression my "Boss" being in love with His creation. Generosity comes in different forms, one of them being 5 loaves of bread and a few fish. To paraphrase, "ask not what Santa can do for you, ask what you can do for Santa". Be generous to one another. Do an end run around the pre-packaged "Stuff of the Season" and BE THE GIFT!

...SC

He's Not Heavy, He's Got Silver

2011-02-19T12:53:00.000-08:00

Santa has gotten a lot of requests for cash this coming Christmas. Now, I've still got tons of Santa Bucks on hand and to be honest I could use the warehouse space. The problem is that all of my paper dollars are backed by solid bars of ice. Due to Global Warming my bars of ice are begining to melt and I'm left with a huge SBD. Santa Buck Devaluation can be fought successfully only by getting my Silver Mining operation up and running. A little Gold might get thrown in the mix as well.

Santa has a few designs for you to choose from:

My 1804 Silver Dollar commemorates Santa's Year of Jubilee at the Santaschmaltz School For Elves. That year we had our largest graduating class. A medal was struck with Santa dressed in the traditional ceremonial uniform for that great, yearly, social event. The Stars, circling Santa, represents the Heads of the school's Professorial Staff of that year.

Santa's 1924 PEACE Dollar was struck to celebrate the end of the BLT War. Yes, even the North Pole has a few skirmishes that flare up at times. The Bear-Lemming-Tea Party had declared that they would float a candidate in the Bering Sea. The difficulty is that all the candidates belonged to opposing Parties. They all sunk to the bottom of the Sea because, as everyone knows, the Polar Seas have less salt and they're terribly cold. Santa had to step in to settle matters in 1924. NO POLITICIANS WERE HURT IN THE TELLING OF THIS STORY...

The Walking Santa Dollar is my favorite. The design promotes a healthy life style where walking, even running and other physical exercise ends up in your pocket. I had my legs shown shortened in order to encompass Elves of all sizes.

For those that enjoy a heightened form of monetary speculation I'm reproducing my Gold, Santa, Dollar. Made from 18kt Gold, the coin can be modified into fine jewelry. A Belt Buckle, Watch Fob, Necklace or Brooch are all ways that I've seen this dollar being used. Unlike the Silver Dollar, the value of this Gold Dollar remains highly volatile.

These gifts are not tied to Santa's Ice Standard and retain a value closely linked to other monetary World Markets. Again, please specify whether you want these coins to be "Glowing or Non Glowing".

...SC

Work, WorK, WoRk, WORK...Hello Boys, I've Missed You...

2011-02-04T09:16:00.000-08:00

As deserved as Santa's vacation is, I must say that it is "soooo gooooood" to get home and back to work. Maybe it's a personality flaw but Santa needs to be "Santa Claus" at the North Pole. Pastor Easter Bunny and I have had several meetings as we formulate the yearly Passover Seder and the Christian Easter Sunday event. In each of those celebrations G-d asserts His authority as being in complete control. Passover has all to do with relationship renewal and birthing of the Jewish Nation. Easter is the Christian celebration of rebirth incarnate. This is important because Santa experiences a rebirth every year. The "Boss" looks me in the eye and asks me if I'm ready to retire. "Not yet Sir" is my answer, perhaps next year, but, not yet.

Mrs. Claus has already busied herself in experimenting with recipes for the new year. I've heard rumors of a Cookie that is both nutritious with a 500 year shelf life. Thanks to Santa's "Boss" we've been able to contain "Gamma Radioactive Zones" that act as a preserving agent. The North Pole Bakery has been producing GIC baked goods for several seasons. The Gamma Irradiated Cooky, pies and cakes are currently part of the food chain in most of the World's military Mess Halls. They glow in the dark so you can find them for a midnight snack without having to turn on the light. Santa helps out whenever he can.

Santa, himself, spends most of his time in Santa's Workshop. In the couple of months, after getting back from vacation, I pursue where I left off on my prototypes. Just being a tease "HO HO HO" you'll be interested to know that Santa is working on a printing press that works 3 dimensionally. Also known as a "Santus Magnicius Replicattum" it will be capable of accurately reproducing anything that fits within the expandable, SMR, Force Field. We're still figuring out what you can and can't do, on the SMR, with your safety in mind. The Owners Manual might be a bit mentally cumbersome. We hope to make it easier by having a Chinese National translate it into English and taking it digital. Santa got the idea from El Rushti Limbrawa and Al's Jazz Era radio shows.

Edgar Lemming is designing his new line of Surfing Wear and Gear for Christmas 2011. He's going to make Dragon Summer, 2012, the best ever. Edgar showed me his new "Chameleon Line" concept for a "Shape Shifter" Wet Suit. It can make little Waldo Lumpy Lump look like a champion weight lifter or a fugitive from the road company of "Pumping Lemmings". It's also cost effective because, in this case, one size does fit all. Edgar says that the new Wet Suits will have "Onboard Heat" locked into the suit's material. Santa has had Edgar incorporate Delta Infused Radioactive Technology into the design for surfing in the Polar seas. Investors pay attention, DIRT will be the next Big Thing.

Once again, Santa comes to the rescue, with his brandnew LIAR policy. In addition to the usual Santa Claus and Easter Bunny Full Life and Medical Assurance products, I've now added a Leveraged Insurance Absent Responsibility service. It's a simple idea that shifts the burden of cost onto the shoulders of others for your messed up life style choices. What makes this even better is that it costs you nothing. Just show up at the nearest Hospital Emergency Room and tell them to send the medical bills to Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny. I'm sure they'll know what to do.

...SC

The Last Week Of...? Santa Gets Back To Work

2011-01-22T09:47:00.000-08:00

Pastor Easter Bunny and his wife, Ester Bunny, have already had to leave the Island and head for home. Preparing for Easter and getting Sermons prepared takes contemplative meditation. The Easter Bunny holds a yearly Resurrection Seminar, every Valentines Day. Well attended, the Seminar serves to bring the watershed event with all of the Easter Traditions into focus.

Santa, stays viable and yet invisible at Easter. My "Boss" has the three of us in meetings all the way up to Easter Sunday. We even have a program developed with Passover in mind. Passover is very much attached to the Christian, Easter, dynamic. It's Messianic implications are irrefutable on so many levels from the Cup Of Elias to finding the Stolen Motza, Afikoman. One can't end the Seder until it's found.

Doc Sid and all of the other Sibling Family guests have had a raucous three weeks on the Island. These are my friends that come up with the best, innovative, activities during Santa's January Vacation. Bog Jumping, Swamp Swimming, Gerbil Racing, Clam Stretching and Bowling For Abalone are just a few of my favorites. Bogs and Swamps kinda go together by location and on rare occasions we've held Swog and Bamp Swumping competitions. Pretty messy, everyone has to be in the mood to make those events work. Gerbil Races are very exciting competitions. Though Santa officially bans wagering on any given race, I know that a few of my Elves have returned home to the North Pole with fattened wallets.

NOTE: Bowling FOR Abalone is not Bowling WITH Abalone and no Abalone was ever injured during the games. We adhere to the rules given us by SOAP, the Society Of Abalone Preservationists. SOAP, too, abhors Abalone wagering. The fear is that if or when they lose they'll really take a pounding and end up in a Delicatessen environment. SOAP and Santa strongly advise getting your Abalone processed and canned. These unfortunate critters tend to be roadkill, but, harvested on a regular schedule. Santa remembers that old joke "How many folks does it take to eat an Abalone? TWO, one to eat the Abalone and the other one watching out for cars", SELAH.

Our Yachts Galley Terrarium is in need of restocking and that's a sign to Santa that it's time for the Bluegrass On Broadway Festival in Redwood City, California. This year Santa's Bluegrass Band, "Lemmings In Overalls", is scheduled to perform on Jan. 29th at Tapestry Church. We've been practicing while on vacation. Santa's Setlist consists of some Polar Bluegrass favorites like "Frozen Colleen Malone", a tribute to the failed farming project, "Think Of What You've Grown" and "Old and Getting Rounder". At 3pm, that afternoon, will be the Northern California Bluegrass Awards Show. The early movers and shakers of the SF Bay Area Bluegrass scene are honored with Lifetime Achievement certificates. Don't forget to checkout the Northern California Bluegrass Society's WEB site. Go to http://www.ncbs.us/ for the details regarding the various restaurants hosting our Bluegrass Bands, Friday the 28th, the Band listings and the Film Festival, 1/30, hosted by the International Bluegrass Music Museum. That film festival runs from Noon to 5pm at the RWC Public Library, 1044 Middlefield Road. Lastly, from 6:30pm to 9pm a Gospel Bluegrass performance happens at The United Methodist Church on Woodside Road.

Santa will be in his Bluegrass Suit. If you spot me wandering around at the Church stop and chat awhile. BTW, Santa will bring a supply of Santa's Vacation T-Shirts. Two printings available "BEEN HERE, BEEN THERE" and "DONE THIS, DONE THAT". Yeah, I know!!!

...SC

Santa Is Vacationing "Burp" Onboard the Yacht...EEEeeeeeyawnnn

2011-01-13T22:36:00.000-08:00

Wow, Santa could get used to this. Mrs. Claus is onshore organizing activities for my guests while Geronimo and I are putterin' in the ships Main Galley. Santa loves to cook and eat Southwestern Style. Years ago Santa made Geronimo (Goyathlay) and his nieces an offer they couldn't resist and he's a great Chef, who knew. The recipes lend themselves to the arid South Pacific climate (I shouldn't have said that). The location of my Island (I should not have said that either) is a well kept secret. Santa has his huge Invisibility Dome covering the whole location and It's worked well for over 500 years. I get to choose when I come-up-for-air, too.

Let's get to cooking my favorite dish "Polenta de Scorpion~o" with a light Cactus Bisque served as a sauce and ladled onto the surrounding Polenta Porridge. Chef Geronimo, AKA Goyathlay, keeps a well stocked terrarium, onboard, to provide fresh arthropods, succulent arachnids, vegetation and herbs used as seasonings. Chef "G" has preselected several 18oz. Scorpions roughly 10-12 inches long. Lotsa fatty, flavorful meat, under those shells. After removing the last 2 inches of their tales, with stingers, drop the scorpions into a large pot of gently boiling, lightly seasoned, water. They cook quickly so as soon as you see them float to the top of the Pot remove them onto a paper towel to drain.

In the remaining scorpion water, stir in your prepared cornmeal and other ingredients. Santa prefers diced Jalapen~os and Queso del Oro (Sundried Cheese) in his Polenta. As your polenta begins to congeal stir in your finely chopped scorpions. They'll cook into tender morsels as the cornmeal becomes the basic glue of this Southwestern treat.

The crowning touch is the Cactus Bisque, a sauce or gravy that simply makes this dish even more special, if possible. Unless you are so disposed, stay away from the Peyote Buttons. They're good but will make it hard to find your cabin, after dinner. Stick to the juicy interior portions of your cactus. Diced into 1/4" squares, place the chunks of cactus into a steamer to cook and soften the "meat". Put the steamed cactus into your food processor, add your favorite soup stock and puree the mixture into a creamy texture. Santa likes the smokey flavor of ground Chipotle peppers blended in the mix.

Presentation of your dish is important and remember, this is a Southwestern, USA, Banquet event. Santa spares no expense in getting this right. I have surplus sandbags, left over from Dust Storm Katrina, donated to Santa from FEMA. I'll spread the sand around on the floor and on the table tops. There is a faint aroma of free range Desert Oysters and Dry Gators permeating the air. MY JOB IS DONE!!! GERONIMO.

...SC

The Boss Is Coming Back...SAVE YOURSELVES!!!

2011-01-02T10:48:00.000-08:00

"HO HO HO HOoooeeee", wait a minute while I stop laughing and catch my breath. Patrick asked me to address the conflict between the Tinsel, Lights and Ornaments of life and the used Christmas Tree laying out on the sidewalk. Describe it how you like, but, that's what it all boils down to. That tree is not coming back into your life and those brightly colored decorations get put back into storage. All of it is just stuff that we've assembled to make a reflection of our hopes, expectations and anticipation of what comes next.

As I understand it, Patrick was talking about the wonderful expectations and opportunities that the start of a New Millennium held out to mankind. In just the first 10 years, 0.01%, of the millennium we have ratcheted up the World's "Chaos Factor" several notches. To whom do we need to apologize other than to ourselves? What Patrick and others experience are the seamless acts of self justifying violence and mental enslavement that "The Other Guy" is doing to us. Circular reasoning just makes ideas seem like good ones. If the primary assumption is rotten so are the resulting actions, SELAH. Santa knows the experience firsthand and, no pun intended, has learned to rise above it.

Santa can't really do justice to explaining the World's assemblage of "Stuff" and the how and why mankind insists on remaining conflicted. What I can do is to pass along a few words of 1,739 years of wisdom. A balanced life realizes that it does no good to dwell on dreams only to disregard living. Santa knows too many folks that dreamed their entire lives away without making a positive difference in themselves or for others. It's very, very, sad to have wasted away the time, given you, wishing for the things unobtainable only to ignore the things at hand. There I've said the same thing 3 times using slightly different language.

A balanced "Community" needs to be comprised of balanced people. Don't walk into a House Of G-d expecting to find G-d. The grounded person knows that G-d better be accompanying you as you mount those steps. Santa said "Community" and not "Confederacy". Too often the meanings of the words get confused with one another. A community of people are people involved with each other, constructively looking out for each other. Inseparable, there is no internal strife that can last long. Correction, healing, starts immediately and only stops when complete. A Confederacy is more of a contractual, purpose driven, instrument that targets a common goal of it's members. When that common goal is no longer viable then a Confederacy can, and often will, dissolve.

Santa has really gone on too long in this venue. Look, it's not Rocket Science. Just manage yourselves. To do that you have to understand yourselves. Here is my last bit of advice on the subject. Write down your thoughts and read them back to yourself. If your thoughts are conflicted so will your writing be. If you get through your recorded thoughts without saying "Did I really mean to say that?", ...ding-ding-ding-ding, you're a winner. Now go share your winnings with others.

...SC "When I was a child I spoke as a child..." SELAH

Santa's Last Minute & Most Popular...Suggestions

2010-12-20T15:09:00.000-08:00

                   For all of you CPPs, Christmas Present Procrastinators, and just plain old unable to make up your minds folks, Santa is attempting to come to your rescue. Aside from the wind-up Chattering Teeth and Incandescent Lightbulb collectors (you know who you are) Santa has put up some photos of a few popular items. So let's get to the list.
                   The Doc Sid "Mr. Whizzo Bio-Chemistry Set". Tired of being without friends  and feeling lonely? The Mr. Whizzo B-Chem Set is bound to pickup your social life. Remember J.F. Sebastian from BLADERUNNER? Follow the instructions and recipes in your Bio-Chem Set and you'll have friends coming out of your ears, if you so choose. A splosh of THIS and a splash of THAT you'll be exhausting the alphabet for names. As you can very well see, we start you off with Der Schkunchimachen Madness.
                    For those less handy we again offer "Christmas Meat Magic". A 1 year subscription to the Meat-O-Th'-Month Club. You'll get a 50 Lb. package of designer MEAT each and every month for what will seem like a decade. Send us $52.00 (just a dollar/week) and we'll ship you our free BBQ and Lou-oww "It Burns" Pit, no assembly required. We ensure that every ounce of MEAT has been bureaucratically scrutinized for your safety. As regarding the MEAT, Santa is still using the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. Good Luck and to all a Goodnight.
                     The "Build-a-Reindeer" kits are all the rage these days. They are modeled after all of Santa's eight reindeer and you need to choose the one you want. The model pictured is known as "The Inner Rudolph". All parts are copies of the original bones (I shouldn't have said that) and are hollowed out to decrease overall weight. The kit comes complete with a 10gal. bucket of FDA approved Bio-Glue and multiple instructions in case you'd like to have your Inner Reindeer posed as Poker Player or sitting in a Barber's Chair getting an Antler Cleaning.
                      For all of you economists out there Santa has prepared the "Sack-O-Bucks" gift. Benny and Bobby Berwankey have graciously sent Santa a $60 Trillion Dollar Stimulus Package. I initially asked for a Grant to study the intimate life of Polar Bat Guano and this is what I was sent. I'm simply wanting to pass along my windfall. Each sack has been filled with a minimum of 5 Lbs of $1000 Bills. It's all yours to invest wisely, buy up Realestate at ridiculous prices or bury the money in the Backyard.
                      My Polar Lions, Lemmings and Bears (Oh My) are all in quite a population explosion dither. So there's still time to request The Cubs-n-Kits packages. Read my previous blogs about the proper care and feeding of the Bears and Lions. As for the Lemmings, keep them away from cliffs and rocky overhangs. Never feed them after midnight and put their water in very...very...shallow bowls.
                       Santa has his own line of Biometrically correct Floras as well as Faunas. My hand stitched Poppy is a very popular item for the ladies on Santa's List. Santa can taylor a custom fragrance for each Poppy. Santa's riticulated anti-Ma-Sunflower chair covering, NUFF SED!
                        "Stuff On A Pickle" is, if Santa says so himself, an adventure with every bite. Colorful and festive, this is a treat that will literally last the entire year. In the center of each SOAP is a fully cooked Arthropod with all of the candied fruit one could imagine. Take a bite of SOAP, roll it around on the tongue, take a sip of Seltzer and listen to it fizz. Sir William Wonka, eat your heart out. SOAP is on the comeback trail.
                          I call this gift "Christmas Is Close, Let's Get the Schist Outta Here". Everything in this Set is Free Standing and your job is to build a Monument without causing property damage or injuring yourself. This gift is designed to give you and the family millions of years of pleasure. The instructions are provided in the language of "Tongues" and you're pretty much relying on G-dly inspiration to make it all work.
                          Santa knows that this time of year can be stressful on some folks and that is why my good friend, Dr. Haris Gershom, developed an Alpha Brainwave generator. The Doc's (not Sid) invention was inspired by playing the Musical Saw. Doc Haris discovered that the primary principle of his invention revolved around two pitches that deviated between 2 and 100 Megahertz. Santa owns one of five OEM units from Doc Haris. Yeah, I confess, Santa plays a Musical Saw, wacha-can-do.
                          I present to you Santa's own cousins from Poplar Bluff, Missouri. For reasons, known only to them, they stepped across the Santa threshhold and willingly gave themselves over to Elfdom. So much appreciated, These two are my Right-and-left hand Helpers at this very bust time-O-year.

...SC

Not A Cat Person?...Take the "Adopt A Polar Lion" Challenge

2010-12-13T10:22:00.000-08:00

What's this, you didn't know about Lions at the North Pole? I suppose that I'm going to hear that the Polar Chickens, Gators and the North Polar Woolly Giraffes have also slipped beneath your radar. Regardless these will be featured in other "...Tales From the Igloo" offerings. Lions of the frozen North is what Santa wants to focus his attention on.

This all began when Santa was delivering Presents to kids in Kenya. When traveling over areas that hold dangers for my Reindeer, Santa never really lands the Sleigh. The Sleigh has an advanced anti-gravity system that allows me to hover, inplace, above the ground. Lowering my rope ladder, my pack over my shoulder, I'm able to deliver my gifts in any environment. On one of these deliveries a mother lioness was looking for a warm, dry, place to drop off her cubs. Now Santa knows that lions are tree climbers, but, rope ladders? I was coming in for my hourly landing at the North Pole Resupply Station when I heard the playful cubs growling. I sent them into Santa's Workshop with instructions to feed them, keep them warm and that I'd take them home to their mom the next day. Big, big, mistake Ho-Ho-Hooo.

Little did I know that Mrs. Claus and my Senior Executive Elf Staff (SEES) named these kittens and had been playing with them all night long. Being outnumbered, inspite of my protestations, I allowed the cubs to stay. As years went by I added to my North Pole menagerie and that also added to the North Pole's Pride of Lions (note, no Lion Families were actually harmed in the process). It got out that Santa had a deep love of animals. Along with Santa's Snack, all sorts of orphaned critters were left for me to take back up North. The situation was getting out of hand. The Sleigh was nicknamed Santa's Ark, LOL.

The omnivorous and vegetarian critters are never a problem. On the other hand the meat eating, predatorial types, can be trouble makers. This brings us to the needs of the North Pole Lions. In Santa's Bio Diversity Labs we have developed "...Chow" inorder to supplement the diets for everyone. The "Lion Chow", though nutritious, falls short of doing the job. This is why we have started the Adopt A Polar Lion organization. For just a nominal fee you can help a young lion cub get a healthy meal, go to school and be dressed to ward off our climatological extremes. In exchange, Santa will send you a picture of your adopted Kitty (Lion) Cat and a brief description of it's daily progress. Write to adoptapolarlion@youhavetobekidding.com and get all of the finer details.

For the carnivorous animals Santa maintains a full Anger Management Counseling Facility. We never keep our animals in cages. Even the Polar Wolves remain free to range their own territory. Santa has his own wolf, El Pero Carumba, that brings me my Newspaper in the morning, once a year, a Polar day. Hmmm...the Paper Boy keeps changing, I'll have to explore that further.

Remember that Santa doesn't make animals at the North Pole anymore. I do keep an inventory of critters incase Santa gets the occasional request of "Surprise Me". Santa loves to surprise the undecided children by placing The Critter DuJour under their trees. Gerbils, Rabbits, Chickens, Lemmings, Cats and Dogs are still quite popular. Alligators, Hippos and Rattle Snakes come in a close second. NOTE, Santa does not do fish or out of print critters.

...SC

Santa's Heirloom Energy...I Can Hardly CONTAINMENT Myself

2010-12-06T08:42:00.000-08:00

Santa's SCEBU, The Santa Claus Environmental Behavioral Unit, has been working on a Worldwide "Green" energy project. I'm adding to my Sack-o-Personal Gifts what I call the "Wind Of the Cosmos Kit". Well, it's actually an end product of bottling the Aurora Borealis/Northern Lights and collecting the radioactive fallout from those two failed Nuclear Reactors. We're up to our elbows with the stuff and the residual glowing effect is creating an insomniac culture that's affecting the labor pool.

A self generating source of a warm-n-cozy lifestyle, more colorful than a retro-Lava Lamp, Santa's new "Wind Of the Cosmos Kit" has received final approval from the United Nations. Order yours now to get these little Aye-Bombs in a box in time for Christmas. Gift wrapped with leadlined, decorative seasonal themes, the recipients will simply rave and froth at the mouth (an unsightly side effect). Having a 50K year Half-Life, you'll look beyond this into future generations utilizing the gift that keeps on giving.

These kits come in a variety of formats. The Lil' Sneaky-Peeker, Laxatation Suite, model has been applauded by the US. BSTSA folks as a Luddite version of their Airport Scanners. The "Nukey Slippers", one size fits all, are superb foot warmers and they glow in the dark. BTW, wearing them prevents Athletes Foot.

Santa's Quickie Bake Oven has been outfitted to utilize the "Wind Of the Cosmos Kit" fuel source. Forget about your little Baker or Bakette making cookies or cakes. Checkout our accompanying Recipe Booklet. These new units can bake a 3,000Lb Rhinoceros, with all the trimmin's, in under an hour. Now, that's miraculous and it'll feed the entire neighborhood. This is not our father's "Loaf of bread and a few fish" anymore, Ha Haaaa!

Santa was given a few restrictions in making his deliveries. Sorry kids but I can't make the "Wind Of the Cosmos" gifts available to Iran, Afghanistan, Lebanon, Spain, San Francisco, Mendocino, Berkeley or West Virginia (?). I still haven't figured out the West Virginia thing and Missouri was a real squeaker.

...SC

It's Your Big Decision Time...Do You Take 1 or 2 "Lumps"?

2010-12-02T07:50:00.000-08:00

"Lumps" of Coal is what I'm talkin'. You know, Santa's dubious "Present" that goes out to the naughty kids instead of the Ties, Pajamas, Socks, Bunny Slippers and Gift Certificates from the ever popular "Kiddie Chow" restaurant. Hmmmmmm, that Lump-O-Coal keeps sounding better and better all the time. Add some accessories like wheels, feet, noses, ears, mouth and a hat and we have a Mr. Bituminous / Anthracite Coal "Action Figure". For you naughty artistic types your lump of Coal becomes a drawing device. No, really, Santa will work on his new "Coal and Ink Drawings By Number" Sets. See, a "lump-O-Coal" can actually be fun "Ha Haaaa".

Okay, let's get serious (if possible). My Santa Claus Behavioral Analysis Unit (SCBAU) Group is the staff that puts my "Good or Bad" list together. Tradition dictates that Santa must personally review this list, twice, before making a final decision, Gifts or Coal. I did deviate from the process when I delegated Rudolph and Prancer to do the first check. 3 hours into their list checking a fight broke out. I had to step in and takeover the chore. Rewriting the List Checking Manual, Santa took the "Coal By Concensus" chapter out. "Sigh", What'cha-can-do?

The World is always changing and that's a big reason for me NOT to change. I use the "Keep-It-Simple-Santa" (KISS) method up here at The North Pole. It keeps me sane (HA!) while my Legal Department handles all of the International Directives and Regulatory Laws. Santa has been around for 1,739 years and I've seen many Countries and Monarchies come and go. Each one of these had their own operating template. Santa will not get into the minutiae tangle of details, it's not KISS friendly.

Santa's Lumps-o-Coal give away has recently run into a snag, an Environmental Protection Agency SNAG. The only "Carbon Footprint" that Santa would make is when I come out of the Polar Coal Mines and walk on the new fallen snow. I'm usually able to slip under the restrictive radar because most governments do not want to have their citizens see Santa get beaten up by the Bureaucrats. I explained my theory of Santapogenic Global Warming to quiet any existing controversy. The North Pole is fully Nuclear Powered now and we've resolved those few Reactor Miscalibration Issues (RMI) that caused problems. Santa doesn't burn Coal anymore and the adjustment to the Reindeer Diet has cut way down on the Methane expulsions. BUT, I DIGRESS!!!

So, all of you naughty kids, when you hang your Christmas Stocking up please fix a note to it specifying Anthracite or Bituminous. Your Lump-o-Coal comes with instructions for the proper care and feeding of your "Black Diamond".

...SC

Nov. 30th...Santa Writes A Letter To You.!!!

2010-11-30T14:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa's Believers

               Santa's letter To YOU contains a few basic requirements for Christmas Eve. Kids, please get yourselves to bed early. After all, it's true that though I've been discovered by the few children that have been determined to see Santa on Christmas morning, I do my best work unobserved. It's a personal preference and a Christmas present for me. Santa does applaud your effort.To you, the Parent(s) or Guardian(s), my requirements rely heavily on your ability to implement the peripheral, seasonal, magic.

               The Santa Snack is really very important. It's a very long night for me and I require a high input of energy as I make my rounds. Milk and Cookies is a basic treat, but, I do have some specifics that I'd like to have placed out. The milk should always be fresh and homogenized. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not lactose intolerant anymore. Chocolate Chip Cookies, homemade if possible, extra-gooey and soft in the center works best.

                Okay, let's start thinking outside the "Fast Food Box". The Reindeer have a request. Rudolph would like to have a bright red Cherry Tomato, it keeps his nose nice and red. A glass of Tomato Juice is a viable substitute. The others would like to have some retro Hartz Mountain Birdseed, it helps them to fly beyond the 1960s. Fond memories for Santa, yet, it did make for more 12/25/XXXX travel adventures than anticipated. The filing of flight plans, in the US, used to require a stopover in Atlanta. This (US) TSA thing has my staff into overdrive. In the past, Santa had enough trouble getting through Air Terminals. Try doing it now with a team of 8, restless, flying critters. Comet does NOT like the "Pat-Downs". Unfortunately, the Xray Machines do NOT accommodate reindeer. Between you and I "Cupid" was the real problem. All of that extra "Bling" set off every alarm in the building.

Santa's "Helper In the Sleigh", you do know that Santa has a Helper, gets very hungry when we travel over the Pacific Ocean. Santa makes a few stops, but, it's a big ocean inspite of using the North/South Polar routing. My "Helper" loves Avocados. So, if you can, please, put out a ripe avocado along with the cherry tomato and birdseed. If you don't have an Avocado, how about a spare Harmonica or medium-rareTrombone? We don't have a CD Player in the Sleigh and music helps pass time. My Helper is an excellent musician.

                 Santa, his-bad-self, has a request. Santa loves a "leftover" Thanksgiving Dinner. Along with milk-n-cookies I'd like a seven course Turkey dinner. If you can, it's not obligatory, Santa would like some Turkey, Mashed Potatoes, Gravy, Creamed Onions, Turkey Dressing, Peas-n-Carrots and Cranberry Sauce. SANTA LOVES CRANBERRY SAUCE. Dessert could be anything including combinations thereof. Ice Cream...Ginger Bread Cookies...Pumpkin Pie...Fudge (really good without nuts) and Candy Canes work for me.

...SC

...AND, That's Why I Don't Do Animals (RIM SHOT) Anymore

2010-11-27T12:53:00.000-08:00

Santa gets letters from kids asking for gift "pets" from Alligators to Zebras. Mostly puppies, kittens, bunnies and Gerbils, I have to explain that we don't make animals up at the North Pole. Santa Claus is more than happy to tell their parents where to find these "pets". It's a reality check for the kiddies and a possible reprieve for the adults.

Of course, having read some of my past Articles, you'll recall that in the recent Polar Bear Population BOOM there were way too many Polar Bear Cubs around the Santaschmaltz School For Elves. The students were getting nervous. I'd swear that far too many Elves were going missing in the ranks. Santa had to do something about the situation.

If children, sitting on my lap, were unable to tell Santa what they wanted for Christmas I'd suggest a Polar Bear Cub to go under the tree. Quite a few of those undecided kids eagerly said YES! With their parents listening intently, wondering how Santa would wiggle his way out of this one, I'd deliver the demands that owning such a fine Bear Cub would bring. After all, possessing this pet is more complicated than a dog, cat or rabbit and entails responsibilities (The Easter Bunny excepted of course).

I'd explain "At first your bear cub could be a great way to get rid of table scraps and leftovers. It's cute, cuddly, and makes wonderful purrrrring sounds". This was a ruse to seal-the-deal with the kiddies. "Now kids, as fun as this sounds, Summer, on this San Francisco Peninsula will arrive in a few months. Your little cuddly-n-cute Polar Bear will be weighing in at around 150 lbs. and the heat will be making it a bit testy.

Your Bear's diet will have to be more suited to it's usual diet of Baby Seals, Lemmings and maybe a few Elves". The Parents were smiling by now and the kids were having second thoughts. I'd continue "do you kids live nextdoor to neighbors that have dogs and cats? Be sure to keep your Bear well fed otherwise your neighbors may wake up to find little Fluffy or Bob-th'-dog missing from the yard. Worst case scenario? the blood trail would lead back to your house. You'll have some 'splaining to do".

Very early in my Santa Claus adventure my "Boss" allowed me to make a few creatures. The experience left much to be desired. The results were intimidating and soulless. In the late 1700's I got a Santa Letter from a young Mary Shelley. The child was fixated with Santa bringing her a little brother or sister. Definitely out of the question I wrote her back to ask her parents. Never did pursue the outcome. I hope it all worked out for her.

...SC

An OBSCENE Commercial Break...A Gift For Those That Have Everything?

2010-11-19T12:52:00.000-08:00

Santa's sidekicks, Patrick Weldon and Phil Campbell, conspired to produce a CD of immense, esoteric, importance. The Hammered Dulcimer, Guitar and Musical Saw blend into a musical tour d'force experience of traditional Folk and Bluegrass music.

Hmmmm, how best to whet your appetites? Think of a Theremen, on Steroids, performing tunes like The Texas Saw Rag, Grandma's Castilian Waltz and Simple Gifts. Patrick's Hammered Dulcimer plays Whiskey Before Breakfast (Lunch and Dinner), Cuckoo's Nest and Rights Of Man. 18 tunes made unforgettable and etched indelibly, into your mind. Samples are at www.philcampbell.org/hammerandsaw , BUT,To order in time for Channukah/Christmas, go to jpweldon@earthlink.net and get a bulk pricing if that's your desire.

...SC

SQUOGGS, squoggs, squoggs, scam...SCAM, scam, scam, squoggs

2010-11-14T17:13:00.000-08:00

Santa and Doc Sid have once again conspired to bring to your Thanksgiving table "Roast Squogg Hollandaise". Also a favorite Squeaster plate, a slow Roasted Squogg is very hard to duplicate. Got yer mouth waterin' yet? Breeding Squirrels and Wild Hoggs together was no-mean-feat. The visual may be TMI and yet we did it. That Doc Sid Sibling, what a guy. Close your eyes and think about a 300lb hunk-o-BBQ'd Squirrel Ribs and a carcass stuffed with locally grown herbs, veggies and cornbread on the side. If you let it, a Squogg makes its own gravy...Yummmmm...Drool...Slurpppp.

Doc Sid carefully hand selects the choicest Squoggs to butcher and then sends the meat up to Santa at the North Pole. These are "Summer Squoggs" fattened on succulent Spring Grass, Sweet Pond Scum, Acorns, assorted berries and scraps from the finest Sibling Family tables. If available we'll even make use of the aged smokehouse, chopped, Bear haunches inserted into the Summer Squogg's diet. One can't be too careful about the basic ingredients. After all, Haggis wasn't built in a day and neither is Squoggis. Oooopps, hoot mahn, did I let my secret agenda slip out? Yes...yes, th'truth-be-known, Ol'Doc Sid is a Haggiserian and roasts his Squoggs the same way.

So here is the recipe for feeding a family of 70. You need to start out with around 100 lbs-o-cleaned-n-scraped Squogg Ribs. Trim off the fat and set that aside to add into the Hollandaise Sauce later. Taking the Ribs and a clean Broad Sword, hack the ribs into a manageable, King Henry the 8th, size. Quantitatively that means roughly 1lb. of ribs per serving. This also allows for a more thorough cooking of the Squogg when roasting.

When you select the herbs, berries and veggies to make the "Stuffing/Dressing" (I'll explain later...just work with me) be sure to use the freshest berries, moss, lichens and fungi. Mould, of any kind, is not permitted and can leave a bad taste and "trip" in your mouth or whatever. It's a 60's thing. You need to have equal quantities of each ingredient, around 10 Lbs in weight, placed into a cauldron. Heat the mixture slowly using a sharp crushing motion, breaking up the fibrous moss, lichens and fungi. As the berries begin to heat and explode, add a quart of river water and bring the whole cauldron to a boil. Reduce the liquid in the cauldron to a thick paste. Set aside and let it cool to room temperature.

The cooked Squogg segments should now be formed into 3 sided, closed, portions and the "Stuffing/Dressing" pushed into the centers. Santa likes to stick a candy cane, upright in each one before popping them into an oven . Bake these suckers in a "Quikey Bake Oven" (my choice for Christmas) and an hour later you have an indescribable meal, fit for a Sibling King, Queen, Jack or Ace.

Oh yeah, about that Hollandaise thing, Santa couldn't resist using the alliteration rolling off his tongue, LOL. ...SC

The TEN Percenters...Santa Knows About "Snow Jobs"

2010-11-11T12:14:00.000-08:00

ICEBERGS, they're about being 10% above and 90% beneath the surface. A lot like Santa's North Pole and a lot like Santa himself. I'm guessing that's a lot like you too. Allowing more then 10% to float around, in plain sight, is just being too vulnerable for most of us. Facebook, YouTube, Twitter and the rest of the social ousting venues maintain a seductive fascination surrounding the 90%, subsurface, AKA you. Perhaps feeling safe, at your computer and in a comfort zone environment has given you a false sense of anonymity. Hanging yourself out to dry, on the public clothesline, can feel good.

My "Boss" is omniscient (all knowing) and He's welcome to it. True, I've got my "Naughty-n-Nice" list but that is not the same thing as being omniscient. Santa's LIST is more of a philosophical extrapolation rather than an exercise out of my SBAU, the Santa Behavioral Analysis Unit. My pal Jesus was privy to looking at the full 100% of us and He was overwhelmed, from time to time, by the view. Pulling away the scab from an an unhealed wound, which we all have past year number 3, is one more percentage point we'd all like to avoid.

ICEBERGS, are very dangerous. We hide 90% of our lives, from others because buried in there are secrets that only the royal WE deal with. Insecurities, personality flaws, unforgiven perceived wrongs, actual wrongs that have been committed by you and fantastic schemes and visions that should never see the light of day. The Christian Bible and Torah both express the concept that GOOD and EVIL are really skin deep. What you know about the World and what you take in from the World is all hand made by you. That old phrase "The devil made me do it" is too funny. Why is that?

My "Boss" sees the Angels and Monsters that reside within us and He doesn't care. He uses these selfpercieved indiscretions as a teaching moment. If you've not dropped out of Heavenly High School, the ultimate learning happens when you realize that my "Boss" is inside your 90% submerged self. That 10% that we show to the public is where the real danger lays.

Our 10%, ICEBERG/PEOPLEBERG SHOW is our very own PR Campaign that sells us to the World. It's our well nurtured Scab covering that secret, 90% unhealed, wound that we scream at in our dreams. My "Boss" knows all of this and He wants you to know that you don't have to be a victim anymore. Santa stopped being a victim and you can too. Believing in Santa Claus is not meant to be a childish exercise in futility. I am part of the "Boss' " healing salve. NOW, that's my gift to you. JUST BELIEVE...please

...SC

Santa Has Your "Back(ery)"...JOBS & FRUITCAKES

2010-10-29T08:34:00.000-07:00

Pay attention kiddies Everything tastes better on a stick and that's why Santa is featuring "Fruitcake Pops" as gifts for this Christmas. My Head Elf-Baker named Free Willy Wonky, the working title for my new movie, has developed a self healing Fruitcake that can never be totally consumed. The result is a tasty confection with a lifetime guarantee. Placing the tubular shaped Fruitcakes on STICKS adds a more festive mood for your personal enjoyment.

This is where the "Jobs" factor weighs in. At the North Pole we have no forests or indigenous shrubbery. All of our "Sticks" have to be manufactured Off Shore. If Santa's Fruitcake Pops becomes a solid (no pun intended) hit, more than a trillion sticks per year will be needed. Shovel-Ready loads of Sticks will become Santa's personal "Trickle Up", economic, fix.

Now I suppose that there will be a few folks looking to develop a cost effective Fruitcake Pop Technology. Santa begs your pardon and suggests that these are times that require a Luddite point of view. We want Flint Knives (requires manufacturing skills), Flint Finders, Whittlin' Workers and Wood Gathering crews. Santa is giving the unemployed folks the chance to finally "Stick" it to the man and make a pile-o-Polar Bucks to boot.

       A few anecdotal gems of information, as a "Back Story" to all of this, revolves around Free Willy's search for the Self Healing, Fruitcake Pop, ingredients. FWW made a contest out of his search and discovered that both flavor and longevity were incompatible, in most instances. Ultimately, FWW had to make use of our fully Nuclear Powered North Pole. Gamma Radiation is a wonderful preservative for perishable foods and the process enhances the flavors. This requires that we keep the manufacture of the actual FC Pop here at the North Pole. The "Self Healing" aspect will have to wait for yet another offering.

...SC

Too Much Time On Your Hands?...Let's Explore

2010-09-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

My "Boss" and I have put our heads together to offer the gift of 60 minutes that you can put to any use. Take the time to go back to correct a life ruining mistake. Say a proper "goodbye" to a friend, a pet or loved one. Put that 60 minutes to use by visiting your younger self and impart the information that made you say "If I only had known then what I know now". Maybe all you want is the ability to do something, for 60 minutes, that you are physically or mentally incapable of. Just think of all those possibilities.

So ask yourself how Santa can accomplish such a gift. You, having been following along in my "...Tales From The Igloo" Blog, know that Santa bends time and space on a regular schedule. The Easter Bunny and I even have the SC-n-EB Full Medical/Life Assurance Company, making full use of the Premature Inanimation Syndrome Service. The difference between this Gift and the P. I. S. S. is that the "Boss" has opened up the limits of what we can do with T-n-S. The "Boss" has to validate the TEVYA Clearance Factor. The "Boss" doesn't want to have another "...if I were a rich man" event. Write me and I'll explain further.

In our 60 Minute, BETA, Gift Test there were more than a few requests to meet with and talk to the "Boss" Mano y God'oh. THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN!!! The request is messin' with the "Faith" issue. Most of you know that "Faith" is how the "Boss" empowers his creation. That being said, everything else is open to you. Santa does a Power Lunch from time to time and the Tabs on me. We could even meet on my Prancer Class Yacht and have the lunch prepared by my personal Chef, Geronimo "Puck".

Okay, it's now all up to you, I've given you the basic rules. Get that brain into gear and make it happen. Let Santa know your wish and the ADVENTURE begins. ...SC

Santa's NEW, Educational, "Eibrab A'qrub" Doll

2010-09-16T16:44:00.000-07:00

Santa wants to do his part when it comes to educational toys. I'm working on a new line of products called "Infants To Infidels" and I'm happy to report that the 1st trials have proven to be successful. We'll be debuting a line of anatomically correct stuffed animals and insects like "Roman Dogs", "Saracen Swine", "Lizards Of Lebanon", "Moroccan Maggots" and for a flight of fluttering fancy the ever popular but rarely seen "Spanish Fly". We've included a small voice chip that says "Help me, Help me" when the fly's wings are stroked. Now that really has my Workshop buzzing.

Santa's Eibrab A'qrub is a doll that most Moms and Dads will recognize from a bygone era. Santa is attempting to express sensitivity and understanding towards an emerging, world-wide Cult. What's fun, is that this doll comes pre-wrapped in costumes that already look like wrappings. For the discriminating Infidel Hippy, the Eibrab A'qrub doll comes with "paper costumes" in assorted flavors. Remember, Santa KNOWS who's been naughty or nice. The PARTY Eibrab A'qrub Doll is all decked out in Bling-n-Jewels. My Designer Elves like the Basic Black ensemble. Santa approves.

We anticipate that the "Roman Dog" series will be a canine lover's "Hit". These Roman Dogs can be a bit surly unless exercised regularly as shown in this period mural. Your stuffed Roman Dog will always have a pleasant disposition unless you choose otherwise. Ask for either the pro-barkus "Aurelius" or anti-barkus "Ceaser" dogs. Oh yeah, specify a glowing or non-glowing gift. It's that Nuclear Powered North Pole, on going, issue. BTW, the Running Rabbit is extra.

The Saracen Swine series looks to be a winner. Who doesn't like to see a happy pig wallowing in mud. Santa's Saracen Swine Dolls are designed to be SARACEN through-n-thru. Look to Spain as the model for the Saracen Swine. Warrior Swine, a frightening visual to any self respecting Saracen citizen, could elicit a response from the local SCLU Chapter. Your Stuffed Saracen Swine doll comes without costumes and offers up a "clean" fashion slate for the new, creative, owner.

The Moroccan and Spanish Insect series has Santa staying within the overall Saracen, Iberia, theme. Maggots and Flys are closely associated with the slaughter perpetrated on the "Infidel" citizens, albeit 2nd class citizens, of old Spain. Contrary to current PR, the Saracen Conquerors showed little flexibility in the treatment of the indigenous peoples. Regardless, you now can have the opportunity to make amends for the Cult's injustice. The Spanish Fly was very ugly in appearance but had great success when wooing the ladies. Santa couldn't find a rendering of a Spanish Fly. My Elves made a costume for me. Mrs. Claus hasn't seen it yet.

...SC

Yet Another GLOWING Christmas Season, 2010

2010-09-03T16:32:00.000-07:00

                  Santa harkens back to last year's Post introducing the Rudolpho III Attack Bomber as a companion toy to my Santolaris Nuclear Powered Submarine. The Rudolpho IV is now ready to "deploy". The Santolaris Sub, back then, was still in Santa's R&D Lab. We were still working with a variety of fueling formats. Both you and I know that using a fissionable material would be highly impractical. Santa asked "The Boss" about using a fusion process as a fueling technique. To paraphrase "The Boss", NOPE! is what he said. "The Boss", being a smart guy, suggested that I consider delivering a wireless form of energy. Santa would keep the power source at The North Pole and put a wireless receiver in each toy Santolaris N-P Sub. The Sub would still be Nuclear Powered but remotely. Clever, eh?

                   Let's take an in-depth (every pun intended) look at Santolaris, Salmon Class, Submarine. #1...Boarding the Sub is done on the forward deck above the forward Monitor Array. Accomplished in several ways, the most interesting for Santa is the Trampoline, two and a half twist, method. Done with great skill, the boarder is able to land onto the forward deck with both feet. I've watched kids play with the Crew Launcher for hours on end mastering that two and a half twist.
                   #2...Here we are looking at the outer shielding of the Forward-looking Monitoring Array. This is a highly sophisticated HD Visual and Infrared system that will display directly to your computer screen. You can control your Crew from the comfort of your private office or living room.
                    #3a...What self respecting Submarine would be without forward facing Torpedo Tubes. Five launchers on either side and capable of single or rapid-fire deployment. Each torpedo containing full targeting enhancements with 100% accuracy.
                     #3...Starboard and Port Sensory Telemetry Arrays, STAs capable of a 300 mile radial sweep. A full computer display goes right to your Wireless Laptop Connection.
                      #4...The Aft Weapons Station with room for a full crew of specialists directing you rear defense strategies.
                      #5...A tandem Missile Launcher with the new XMS Missiles that have a global range at the Equator. Yes kids it's the "X" Marks the Spot" weaponry that gives The Santolaris Sub it's extreeee Kick-n-Pants effectiveness.
                       #6...The deployment end for the #4 Weapons Station.
                       #7...The Secondary Sub Command & Communications Center. It is here that the Crew Leaders can control the Submarine in a hands-on mode.
                       #8...Santa's Super Secret Power Receiver tuned to the North Pole Nuclear Power Reactor. Your Santolaris Submarine is capable of functioning indefinitely. No plugs, batteries or Baking Soda, just a small monthly subscription fee to keep your receiver purrrring away.
                       #9...Observation Ports running along both sides of your Sub. Though this is a TOY look at Santa's face in the most forward Observation Port. This gives you a sense of the scale we used during fabrication.
                       Santa has provided a diagram of the internal accommodations. This is a schematic of the BASIC design from the 2009 prototype. If interested, write me for more details. SC

                      The Rudolpho Rednosed IV, Flying Attack Reindeer, has been upgraded to include the same power source as the Santolaris Sub. The engines have become "White Noise" compliant which makes them operationally silent. The two "Scorpiotito" Machine Guns can now shoot a .02cal. pellet at a rate of 8,000 rounds per minute or roughly 133 pellets per second. Electrically propelled, subsonic, firing cuts down on the cost of replacement ammo.

                      The Rudolpho IV is meant as a companion toy for the Santolaris Sub to allow you kids to unleash a two front attack strategy against your opponents defenses. Read Santa's Posting from 10/26/2009 for more details.

...SC

This Was No Boating Accident...A Confession

2010-08-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

During the OFF Season Santa needs to keep his primary team of sleigh pulling reindeer in top flying condition. Regardless of Quarks, Sarks and Leptonic convergences these kids have to perform to the expectations of Santa's Fans. To do this, my reindeer compete throughout the year in flying competitions around the world. Their name, in competition mode, is The BRATs or The Blue Reindeer Angels Team. We usually fly too high to be easily seen by folks on the ground yet we consistently take prizes in the top 3 categories. The prize money gets donated to a charity chosen by the reindeer themselves.

From time to time Santa has to rotate members out of the BRAT Group and introduce new blood. This can be somewhat confusing to children that have gone to the trouble of having memorized all the names of Santa's Reindeer. Last Christmas my Team was Donner, Blitzen, Comet, Cupid, Prancer, Stewie, Sacco and Vanzetti. Sacco and Vanzetti were found to be too difficult to control and they went back to Reindeer Etiquette Summer School. The new-kids-on-the-block are Chewie and Rocky (XIII).

Rocky, while practicing for his Solo Flying Competition, mistakenly flew outside the safety zone and created (for lack of a better word) an incident. It was not entirely his fault, Grandma and Grandpa Shropshire should not have been wearing their camouflage jumpsuits. The flying field was called The Fawn Patrol and I guess they were anticipating seeing some indigenous animal life.

On impact, Gramm and Gramps were launched into the air like Clay Pigeons at a Bowling Alley (It makes for a great Bluegrass image, right?). Rocky XIII, still on her antlers and wings, managed to catch the old folks before they hit the ground. Uninjured except for grandma being lightly gored in her left hoof (good thing she was right-hoofed) everyone apologised. Rocky pointed out that they had signed insurance waivers from Santa Claus but they should get checked out at the infirmary anyway.

Years ago Santa would tell the visiting kids about the Rocky Reindeer VI story. It was quite similar, only the names had been changed to protect the innocent. No one was ever injured in the making of the movie, writing the song or launching the marketing strategy. ...SC

The TROUBLE Is...(you) C an't E scape -A- S nowy E nvironment

2010-08-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

I've often said that being Santa Claus is not pretty. Sure, it sounds like fun but it's hard work at times. A case in point, The ESM problem that has gotten worldwide attention. Santa's detached chunk of the Arctic Ice Cap is a direct result of the most recent ELF SECESSIONIST MOVEMENT. These movements have occurred from time to time and are usually focused around labor issues. My "Boss", the BIG BOSS, is not too keen on insurrections amongst the Elves. For such an event that is happening now He is going to make a personal intervention.

Santa, being the designated point man, is obligated to plan the preliminary arrangements, set the location for a meeting and get the ball rolling. I figured that Blather & Spittle Hall Aka BASH Place would be the perfect place for negotiating with the malcontents. To give you some historical perspective, BASH Place was where the infamous Roadkill Reindeer War was brought to a peaceful end.

We are currently in day #3 of negotiations and these Elfinoids are a tough bunch-o-Candy Canes. With their permission I've included a photo of the secessionists primary and secondary negotiating teams. In spite of their looks, all are skilled diplomatic representatives.

Here is a description of the main issue held in contention. It's all about clothes. Elves would prefer not to wear clothing. It's true that elves were designed by the "Boss" to withstand the cold and rigorous life at the North Pole. Fur ON or Fur OFF it simply doesn't matter. Yet my "Boss" wants the Green tunics with white trim to be worn while the elves are working. Wisely, He says, a common dress code makes for a coherent Teamwork mindset. In spite of that, my "Boss" doesn't really need to spell out a reason. His WORD is not to be challenged.

So, here we sit, staring across at each other, attempting to bring a resolution to the dilemma while trying to keep this chunk-o-pole from wreaking havoc on the rest of the world. A bargaining chip perhaps but the "Boss" is unhappy. He's willing to see if the secessionistic tendency can be redirected in a redemptive resolution. The "Boss" and I joke that He has the patience of Job (He should know). Santa also knows that His patience has a limit. I'm not allowed to be the Prophet Of Doom after all, I'm Santa Claus. All the while, in my mind, I know that the wayward ice can be gone in the blink of G-d's eye. That will come later after Santa gives them the final warning. Until then there's HOPE, Selah.

Keep reading...SC

The Santaschmaltz Academy...BOOM Laka-laka-laka BOOM Laka-laka-laka BOOM

2010-08-06T09:33:00.000-07:00

Some form of The Santaschmaltz Academy has been around almost as long as I have. In the beginning (dramatic, yes?) "The Boss" gave Santa just a handful of elves. After building our 1st Santa's Compound, later to be known as "Santa's Compound", all of us had to get busy on Christ Mass. Christmas was a rather simple affair at first and quite easily managed.

Gifts were pretty much one dimensional. If you recall, I was in the Charity, Protection and Benevolence business'. Tossing sacks-o-gold through the windows of the poor and providing food for communities in the throes of famine. I and my Band Of Merry Elves would take from the rich and redistribute wealth throughout the lands. Later on I had localized competition from some fella called "Robin Hood". It didn't last long and we soon found out that elves DO NOT look good in spandex. They make lousy Archers too. Their true powers are in their stunningly good looks and sharp, pointy, ears and noses.

Santa's "Boss" stepped in with a new plan that got us away from that old and failed "Redistribution" strategy. The Elves and I began to make presents for folks that we'd hand out at Christmas. That's when I knew that Elves did not grow on (Christmas) trees. "The Boss" said that I needed to recruit and train more candidates. Thus, the beginning of The Santaschmaltz Academy For Elves.

Santa got the word out that becoming a "Santa's Helper" was within the grasp of those that aspired to great heights. After all, the North Pole was the highest point on the compass. The curriculum would be exacting and quite unlike anything one could find in the lower regions. Our Arts programs involved working with exotic materials and processes that boggle most minds. Science and Engineering courses were cutting edge disciplines that dealt with skewed rules of Physics.

These will be the folks that implement the ideas coming out of Santa's Workshop. Let's talk about the possibilities you'll be choosing from. In the Art Curriculums we train for Visual Designs involving colors, form, Reindeer Decorating, Christmas Tree Arrangements, Hospitality and The Tinsel Theory. We also provide Cooking Classes to develop new Snacking Menus for Santa. I learned quickly that Santa needs variety. The "Santa Chow" dish got old quickly.

Santa's Workshop is much larger today and is in need of Design Engineers, Process Engineers, Quality Assurance and the Technical Support personnel. Design Engineering is what Santa used to do all by himself but now a Staff of people are required to help out in my Lab. Once the ideas have been generated onto a Blueprint my Process Engineers get involved. They figure out the best way to set-up the assembly lines and make the tools for fabricating the "Toys". Working closely with my Quality Engineering Staff, the QA folks use Santa's "24 Sigma" process to develop a product/toy that fulfills all of Santa's strict requirements prior to handing out on Christmas.

Still interested in signing up for The Santaschmaltz Academy? Send me a request for an Application and a Tuition schedule. In return, Santa will send along a complimentary DNA Testing Kit, to be returned with your Application. We at Santaschmaltz's have relaxed the physical screening requirements. Checkout my May 27th Santaschmaltz Blog on this site.

I look forward to your responses...SC

Edgar the Lemming's Christmas Treat

2010-07-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

Santa presents to you Edgar the Lemming and with that I'm going elsewhere. Santa's readers know that Edgar is the North Pole's COL and designs his own Surfing Wet Suits. Bye for now.

Hello folks, I'm finding an appreciative audience for my new "ORCA SURPRISE" Line of Wet Suits. After experiencing great success with my "Gator" Suits and the "SEA MONSTER" Wet Suits I thought long and hard about the next design. Surfin' Dudes and Dudettes like to jokingly intimidate each other as well as to control their water safety issues. Surfing is still a Sport and NOT a death wish event. The Dogs? Well Santa likes Dogs and I, Edgar, taught a few to Ride the Wild Side on the backs of Orcas. Training the dogs was difficult not to mention the turnover rates were a bit high.

My 1st Wet Suit is designed for that "In Your Face" effect. The Groucho Glasses are worn, in all cases, to protect the innocent. The wearer will not ever be mistaken as a tasty Harbor or Elephant Seal. My patented Surf Boards come with the Wet Suits unless you specify your own custom board dimensions.

These Orca Wet Suits are so biologically correct that a tourist may be sufficiently startled and begin snapping photos or making movies of you. It's just for that reason that I've produced an instruction video on typical Orca behavior. Swimming just below the surface with your suit's Dorsal Fin gliding through the water is a classic pose. Practice your leaps and breaching tail flapping to complete the illusion. Most important! Orcas, in the wild, never wave back and they don't try to pick up on the tourist's daughters. My suits are Sold ONLY to those Surfing responsibly.

My Team/Pod designed Orca Suits pay strict attention to the important and formidable Orcan profile. These suits come with NAS grade Eyebolts and linking cables that will allow you and your Pod Mates to stay in perfect cruising formation. The real skill comes as your team turns to catch that Perfect Wave. For a little extra Edgar will include some "Qik-Release" hooks so y'awl can take that wave on your own. Again, the Surfin' Dogs are optional.

The "Orca Surprise" Wet Suits remain pricey and start at $1,700 for the basic model. Please specify whether you want Zipper or Velcro closures. Interested parties send me a request, through Santa Claus, for my new Catalog.

...EL

Santa's Summer Treat...The New IGLOO IN A BOX

2010-07-08T14:01:00.000-07:00

Santa has not forgotten about all of you "Global Warming" folks. In fact the recent HEATWAVE to hit the East Coast of the U. S. has gotten me to thinking about one of Santa's Workshop inventions. After developing the concept into reality, well, I just didn't see any practicality to the durn thing and kept it under wraps. Boxed, portable, Igloos at Christmas time? Other than the kids living at or near the Equator who else would want an iced Playhouse in their yard.

Santa has now made it possible to launch his new, carry anywhere, "Igloo In A Box" line of prefabricated ice houses. There were some obstacles that Santa had to overcome, of course. I had to research and fabricate a long lasting ice that was also lightweight. Everyone knows that water can be very heavy. At sea level 1 cubic foot of water weighs roughly 60lbs. Just think of the weight of a livable Igloo. Ice weighs less but would still be too heavy to be practical.

Santa's Igloo ice has "Light Water" that is made from H' 0.0002 and O' 0.0001. One cubic foot of this ice weighs only .01% of the weight of a normal block of ice. That's only 3/5ths of a lb. Yet, it retains the temperature and material strength of a normal block of ice. In a twist of Physics the "Light Water" surface acts as a highly reflective infrared barrier. It doesn't want to melt!!!

There are several Models for you to choose from and the inventory is kept as a JIT (Just-In-Time) format. Order these Igloo Kits soon because I'm sure they'll be snapped up quickly. NOT SOLD IN STORES...

Igloos will not come with indoor plumbing and with that in mind, Santa has the "Cistern Chapel" Model. For those artistic folks I'll include some cans of surface-prep that allows Oil Paint to adhere.

For the folks that have everything and would still like an "Igloo Kit" there is the Basic Igloo Mansion Model. Several stories in height it'd be like living inside a gigantic Snow Cone (flavor to suit).

Igloos have been popular in this region for hundreds, perhaps thousands, of years. Santa came across this one thought to date from the 7th Century AD. We can say that because around 70, torn, Polar Calendar pages were found strewn about inside all dating from the 600s.

Remember, these Igloos are shipped out disassembled and packed in boxes for ease of storage. Depending on the Model you choose that could be anywhere from 300 to 3,000 boxes. I'm working on a dehydrated iceblock to cut down on the volume but that seems to be a self defeating concept. Besides "Just Add Water" seems ludicrous at best.

...SC

Santa's Cirque Du Petra

2010-06-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

Santa's Workshop has come up with an upgrade to Clyde (Claude) Beedy Sibling's "Trained Rocks" gift. This year Santa has accomplished a near miraculous embellishment to Claude's initial discovery. Santa's CGI Staff has come up with a complete, multiphasic, Rock Circus to place under the Christmas Tree. Complete with Dancing Obsidian, Acrobatic Schist, Swirling Sediments and Churning Chirts, this gift will keep your family entertained for several million years. Don't worry about the PRICE, it's a gift for the asking. If you recall, Santa was a Geology student in a past life.

As an added bonus Santa found a Golden Meteor on one of my recent journeys through the Minor-49er Nebulae. I always keep a spare "Santa's Toy Sack" in the sleigh. Matching the meteor's speed I grabbed handfuls of the stuff and filled my bag to the brim. With each order for my Cirque Du Petra you'll receive an added Act of trained, gold, nuggets. The "Jumping Bean Gold" is pretty popular. They've been trained to form words, phrases and mathematical equations. Another popular Act is Santa's Auric Marching Band. The nuggets, each with their instruments made from hand beaten silver, line up and perform the Grand Entrance March to begin your Cirque Du Petra experience. Send a letter to Santa and request the catalog for all of my Petra performers.

If you'd like to be able to find and train your own Petra friends, I still have Clyde Beedy Sibling's Rock Training Course, vol. 1-10. You learn all of Clyde's tips regarding the types of rocks that work best into specific agendas. There are instructions for making the Rock Whips, complete with "Petra-Snappers", for the harder to train Chirts, Quartz Crystals and Diamonds. Clyde suggests that before heading into Igneous Land you start with the Metamorphic rocks. He calls these "A sassy little varietal from the volcanic South slopes". For you slower readers you can request that the Rock Training Course be shipped out to you incrementally throughout the year.

Like last year, Santa has an assortment of Clyde Beedy Sibling's Training Whips on hand. Clyde Sibling spent years of R & D on perfecting these accessories and each whip is held to Clyde's strict standards.

Lastly, Santa is offering sets of geologically correct Action Figures. "Ruff-n-Rocky" I through XIV along with "Diamond Doug" and "Super Sediment Sally" are represented. Each one with their own line of Petra-Safe clothing. Write me for the full catalog and get the details.

...SC

Newly "Flavored Quarks"...The Sleigh's Energy Drink

2010-06-05T13:22:00.000-07:00

For most, Santa and His Sleigh have become inseparable icons for Christmas deliveries. Conjecture says that it gives a bit more than your everyday, run-o-th'-mill, sleigh ride and that the reindeer are just for show. Magic, "magic" is the easiest but least plausible explanation for making Santa's Worldwide journey, in a single night, possible. Well, regardless of opinion, It's all summed up in one word. That word is "ENERGY" and how it behaves.

Most everyone knows that Albert Einstein postulated "all things are expressions of but one dynamic, 'Energy' ". Al treated the Speed Of Light as a barrier and a constant in his model of the universe. He reasoned that as a body neared light Speed the energy that makes it up slows down and at light Speed stops completely. Energy gains mass/weight and cancels out the "reality of time and space". That "stopping" effect is the problem that my "Boss" helps Santa to dodge.

Santa's Sleigh uses a fusion of "Lone Quarks", Lepton-Quark recombinations and some serious engineering. Quarks, described as flavors, Santa found a few strangely behaving Quarks exhibiting reversed travel from the direction they were fired in. They seemed to be arriving at their targets before we sent them on their way. In order to do that these Quarks had to travel against the theoretical direction that Einstein postulated. A "Cavitation" effect was going on and, in short, the Barrier of the Speed-o-light taken down. Santa and his Sleigh could now reverse Time thus making Distance irrelevant. If you read my Article about The SC&EB Med, Life, Assurance Co. that whole industry is predicated on "Time Travel". Our Assurance Policies have eliminated PAS, Premature Inanimation Syndrome, BUT, I digress.

Our new Quark and Lepton fuel bars will allow us to travel faster back through time. Santa has the whole Universe at his fingertips, at least as much that my "Boss" lets me. Nice thing about distance, if it's irrelevant it doesn't exist. So you see my Sleigh can make that "Magic" explanation sound more plausible, LOL.

The new "Tune-up" will surely blow your hair back. Santa has to use a special Antler Glue for the reindeer (JOKE). Their antlers grow back before they get blown off. Santa has learned to live within the rules governing both realities.

...SC

Gift Scholarships To "Santaschmaltz School Of Elves"

2010-05-27T12:47:00.000-07:00

This special gift from Santa has been around for some time. I've had a number of children ask me if they could be an Elf. Could Santa make them an Elf? Taking a focused look at their ears, my usual response is "Nope, your ears aren't the right shape, not pointy enough". Santa knows that becoming an Elf requires natural talent and a difficult schooling regimen. It's also expensive for the "Scuglumps", those kids that lack the Elfin hereditary credentials. Santa can remedy that impediment for a price. Write Santa a letter describing why you want to be an Elf and request a scholarship to The Santaschmaltz School Of Elves.

Thus we start a whole series of Articles on The Santaschmaltz School Of Elves. Kid's, this is where we'll send you. At the end of your training, you'll graduate a Jr., 1st Grade, Schmaltzy Elf. In fact, you'll be dripping in schmaltz. How proud your parents will be when you show up, all grown, in your Elf Suit and new 3.5 foot stature. Santa's personal investment in SHOCK-n-AWE works every time. Santa personally reads each invitation before it goes out. They're all different, you know, and addressed specifically to you.

In the invitation I carefully outline the Basic Curriculum and attempt to persuade you NOT to attend. Failing that and you still want to attend here is a brief accounting of what is expected of you:

1. You must be willing to not grow taller than 3.5' tall, 4 feet is allowed if you show talent for Basketball.

2. Santa has developed an exercise using small, hooked, Bungee Cords that you'll need to wear stretched over the top of your head. Hooked to the top of your ears it will pull them into the sharply pointed, required, shape.

3. Your feet will be "Blocked" so that the toes curl UP. Wearing the elf shoes means the upward coiled toes are a necessity.

Now we need to know about the cerebral course work:

1. Elves are Design Engineers and need to be experts at how materials, for toys, work together.

2. Process Engineering is also required so that even the wildest of designs stand a chance of becoming a reality.

3. QA Engineers are required to ensure that what is produced does what it's supposed to do. Performing without unanticipated consequences is important. You'll become conversant with the PDCA methodology.

4. Other Course Work will include Santa's Workshop 101, Tinsel Decoration, Reindeer Husbandry and Christmas Tree Arrangements.

So please be advised/warned that the Elf training is not a piece-o-cake. Santa selects those requests through a filter of his own making. Request the Scholarship and feel honored that Santa sends a reply. You won't get the invite unless Santa thinks you're NOT up for The Santaschmaltz training.

...SC

Yep, Santa Tried Farming...It Could Help the Budget

2010-05-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

HO Ho HOOoooooo, Farming up at the North Pole, it could have worked. Food can be kinda expensive up in Santa Land and I was pretty sure that I could make it happen. Snow-o-ponic Farming is very expensive so Santa had to go the more traditional route. Remember that up at the North Pole we have 6 months worth of Sun, prime growing time. (BTW, my one page, one day Polar Year Calendars make a great gift, but I digress.) Santa's favorite vegetable is Broccoli, they resemble trees and we have very few trees at the North Pole. They simply don't do well in the colder climates. The main exception, of course, is the Christmas Tree. Trees, aside from the nut bearing variety, aren't all that tasty either, hard to chew. The "Boss" told me to go-for-it and that was all of the permission Santa needed. That being said, Santa needed a plan. I assembled the gang for advice from my Administrative Staff and the Board Of Elves. I also consulted with Doc Sid Sibling because of The Sibling's historic beginnings involving Noah Sibling and the epiphonic journey. Checkout http://docsidswhizbangs.blogspot.com/ for a detailed background. Santa wanted to do his homework before the big meeting. Santa was going to broaden the meaning of "Fresh Frozen Vegetables". "Iceberg" Lettuce, Ice Plant, Iced Broccoli, Cauliflower and Eggplant from Santa's thoroughbred Chickens were all on the list for potential crops. The experimentation process got underway. Fortunately we had elves that had farming experience in their backgrounds (???) so we didn't need to go into extensive training. The Amish Elves were able to develop the fertilized snow and they prepared the planting areas. The thoroughbred chicken Eggplant production went surprisingly smooth. Well, there was the rioting within the Polar Chicken community until we established a plan for heating the Coops, LOL. The Lettuce, Ice Plant and Broccoli crops took a bit of strategy but looked entirely viable. So far this was going to work. Santa was a happy Farmer. The Cauliflower crop was an unforeseen, environmental, casualty. Because the landscape, at the North Pole, gets shifted around from all of the storms the white coloration presented a problem. Cauliflower does come in blue and gold but they didn't have the right flavors grown in the fertilized snow. We'd plant the crop but could never find the matured Cauliflower field when harvest time came around. Had today's GPS technology been available back then, Santa could have tagged the area. Yes, Santa does grow his veggies at the North Pole. I still do the shopping for the things we need down south. I'm saving my Reindeer food resource stories for later. BTW, Reindeer products are a great source of protein to keep the highly carnivorous elves in good health. Santa has a herd that tops 1,300 individuals, not to mention a herd of Ferguson The Ugliest Reindeer's progeny. We'll talk!!! ...SC

BOWLING BALLS...Arggggggggggghhh, I Got'em

2010-05-13T16:12:00.000-07:00

To the children that visited with me at The Hillsdale Shopping Mall, they've heard my complaint about too many Bowling Balls. Every year the Elves have manufactured too many of them. Oh, I've had the meaningful chats with my Sporting Goods staff and Bowling Ball inventories always get away from them. Santa goes into the hard-sell mode each year. Sometimes used to cajole a gift request from those that remain undecided, the BBs are 1 of 5 gifts I offer in place of a specific request from my Santa guests. The Bowling Ball is not simply a sporting implement, they are a Home Designer Tool. Highly polished surfaces create a parabolic wonderland that dazzles the mind. AND they are stackable. Vertical mode or Horizontal mode, they are hard to resist. My last ditch sales pitch is aimed at the young, scientifically minded, child. We tease with the fact that up at the North Pole we have a problem with our furniture and Elves floating around in the rooms. A discussion ensues around the physics of atmosphere and the unique properties that cause North Polar furniture and a few Elves to float up to their ceilings. The Bowling Balls are used as counterweights and keep the flotation effects limited. Bowling, Professional Bowling, requires intense personal focus. It is both a physical and mental exercise. The BB, itself, has weight designed to maximize the targeting capability of the Bowler. Spin and thrust are controlled by the Bowler's arm and wrist. The targets are the Bowling Pins at the end of the alley. The Bowler needs to concentrate on their locations as a game Set progresses. Spin, thrust and focused strategy must come together for a perfect Strike. Santa has designed a Bowling Ball saying "KEEP YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME". Lastly, Santa needs to express to the child a winning attitude. Playing competitive sports accomplishes a life lesson. If taught properly the child learns how to treat team members and to deal with stressful situations. Up at the North Pole we have a motto, "BE THE BALL". Nuff Sed!!!

FRUITCAKE LORE...Get Your Orders In Before Christmas

2010-05-12T13:04:00.000-07:00

Santa managed to reconstruct the visage of Sweativius Malaviscious the originator of the fruitcake. That's right, the Easter Bunny lived in Rome at the birth of the original edible manufactured "OEM" fruitcake. EB indicated that Sweativius had been a successful Gladiator meaning that he lived to invent the fruitcake. The "red flag", for the EB, was that Sweativius was an angry man. It had been rumored that the original fruitcake was meant to be lethal weapon for the Coliseum. The fruitcakes were rounded, cigar shaped, things that weighed between 2.5 to 3 petrallis. Just a weight of 1.5 petrallis, tossed with skill, could crush a human skull at 10 metres. You never wanted to turn your back on Sweativius Malavicious. My good friend Dr. Debakery Leakey, a famous Archaeologist, showed me what he thought to be evidence of fruitcake @ 15,000 years old. In a cave, at an undisclosed location in California, a "Coprolite" was found with traces of glazed fruit on its surface. To the layman a Coprolite is a mummified, defecated, globule of history. My favorite Christmas Gift is the Independence Day Fruitcake made for all of those folks wanting to mark their self declared freedom from the Tyrant-Dujour. Santa followed the original recipe of the Roman SM. Our Baking Elfs usually outdo themselves with these goodies. YES, we've made them lighter and easier to chew. No longer weaponized they are engraved with your personal message and Country of choice.

Earlier in my Blogging I told the story of how Santa's fruitcakes made it into the US Space Program. NASA was looking for an inexpensive source for heat shield tiles for the Space Shuttle. NASA and the North Pole came to an agreement and ultimately returned a slightly used fruitcake tile from a Shuttle reentry. "Grandma's Doorstop" fruitcake has a lore all it's own. Santa recalls a photo, sent to me anonymously, from many years ago. The fruit weighed more, sugar was more dense and baking with a Wood Stove was more of an Art than a Science. That meant that Granny's fruitcake was a "signature" effort. As usual some signatures are better than others. However, I would like to think that Great Grandma's fruitcake has stopped being regifted ...SC

"Giggles" LaRue...Santa's "Snowball's Chance In..."

2010-05-10T16:26:00.000-07:00

I'm so appreciative of the Grand Ol'Elf to give me the Blogging floor. If you've not yet figured it out, let me be specific, Santa Claus is a Fisherman of Man. The "Boss" uses Santa to launch "Himself" into the lives of folks that are in need of rescue. Gwendolin LaRue is here to verify such a rescue. You see me as a young teenager back in the 1890s, Ohio. Now I am up at Santa's North Pole both physically and spiritually resurrected in 2010.

Raised in a marginally Christian home, I would prefer "Santy Claus" any day of the year to having the Sunday School version of Jesus. The folks that I listened to made Jesus sound like Santa Claus with homework. There were the teachers that told us "with enough 'Faith', anything our little hearts desired, God would make it happen". You know where that leads, right, disappointment.

There I stood, Gwen LaRue, terribly disappointed and angry at God, Jesus. As an adult, filled with unrequited expectations, I decided that the only ones in my corner was me, Gwen, and Santa Claus. He seemed to pay attention to me no matter what I was doing and, oh brother, I was doing stuff that I was sure God would not approve of.

Over the years Santa gave me jewelry, friends, cars and all the stuff a gal could ever want. It turns out that none of the goodies ever produced a meaningful relationship or life. My 1st name changed to "Giggles", to my so called friends, and I didn't mind. It was perfectly alright with me. "Giggles" LaRue was better than "Grim Reaper" LaRue.

That brings me abruptly to the point of all this. Friends come and go and often, as you get older, your pool of friends tend to get whittled away. Cars rust, jewelry reminds us of the "Good Times" past and friends just disappear. Santa wanted to disappear on me too. I couldn't allow that. He was the only one that never changed.

At the tender age of 82 I made it out to see Santa Claus, perhaps for the last time. I needed to visit the REAL Santa so I looked for all of the possibilities. Malls, Civic Venues and Department Stores were scrutinized. At last I was convinced that I'd found Santa Claus. Santa had buried himself at the Hillsdale Shopping Mall.

Yikes, he knew me!!! I was taken back to the Gwendolin LaRue in the photo. Time stood still as we chatted for what seemed like hours. He told me about his "Boss", myself and that though in my 80s, He had a plan for me. Santa knew how I'd scraped bottom and had felt like I'd wasted my life.

Here I am now. It's 2010 and counting. Santa offered me a deal I couldn't refuse and I'm now part of the North Pole's extended family. I have relationship, I have all of my needs taken care of and where I'm going I don't need roads (or cars). Want Everlasting Life? That's for you to decide. Gwen suggests that you find your personal Santa and get the all of the details.

Giggles LaRue

From the SCIA Vault...Santa, Frank and Jesse

2010-04-22T07:54:00.000-07:00

Just the other day I found myself reflecting on some good times recorded in my Santa Claus Intelligence Agency archives. The fondest memories come from the many times that I spent visiting in the US back in their historic "Old West". Wyatt Earp, Doc Holiday, Cochise, Pat Garrett and William Bonnie, all working members of the SCIA. The work could be mighty dangerous. I had to select operatives that were up to any and all tasks that would come up. Then there was Frank and Jesse James.

Frank and Jesse were known as "Johnny Rebs" when I recruited them. The US was going through a Civil War at the time and that could make delivering Christmas Presents a hazardous chore. The James Boys hailed from Missouri and the entire State was seriously divided on the issues in that war. When I entered a household Santa didn't know whether to wear his Grey or Blue Santa Suit. The color red was definitely inappropriate, not wanting to fan the flames of aggressive passions.

Their recruitment went smoothly both being strong believers in Santa Claus. The boys passed the 6 weeks of training, at the North Pole, with flying colors. Sorry to say, they probably learned a few maneuvers that enhanced their life of crime in later years. I did my best, Hey!, Santa isn't perfect ...*< ] ;@P Shhhhhh.

Santa recalls one episode with an element of glee. Quite funny really. It happened in Lincoln County back in 1862. Families tended to be large compared to current standards. Both Frank and Jesse were friends with the Emerson Family. The Emerson's had 11 children, at least one Grand Parent together with Mom and Dad. The 7 older boys were wrapped up in the tussle between the North and South. They all wanted soldier uniforms but had not specified which side they were on. Santa decided that the uniforms would each have the left side Blue and the right side Grey.

Christmas morning at the Emerson's was pretty hectic as the boys found their uniforms and put them on. The 4 girls had their dolls, toy dishes and new clothes. Sitting around the breakfast table confusion reigned. Blue, Grey, Brey, Grue it all became a blurr. Seems like every one that wore the uniform, that day, had the Civil War debate sucked out from under them. It forced the boys to examine the other side's perspectives. Difference of opinions remained but the blind rhetoric was gone. After all, isn't that what really happened?

...SC

Barrel Of the Covenant? ...A Gift, A Group and Bonding

2010-04-06T17:39:00.000-07:00

Most folks are familiar with God's Ark Of the Covenant and that it was given to a specific group of people. The Boss has allowed Santa to fabricate several of the prototypes that would work on a personal level with a tight knit group of friends. Now, you realize that these items were somehow deficient for God's needs. Wheels, wheels, did not quite give the heavy lift value to the final product. The Four Man Carry made for better control and more drama to the danger inherent in the Ark itself. As you recall, touching the Ark Of the Covenant brought instantaneous death. That was your fate should you have been part of the community of ownership. Should the Ark become stolen by usurpers look for Tumors, Boils, and remunerations of all kinds to get out from under the plagues.

Now, Santa can't promise all of these goodies coming out of these prototype Arks. What you will get is the experience of knowing that you belong to a group that is exclusively yours. Provide Santa with the name of your Family, Clan, Tribe or Club and we'll place it on your Ark Of the Covenant. Each Ark has been autographed by the Boss himself. He names Himself "Yad Va Shem", The Hand Of G_D for short.

Let's get some of the rules straight. Even in these prototype, Ark designs, the Boss has imparted some of Himself. That means if we've made these Arks to the Boss' Blueprints then you need to be cautious. Our D-Es, Designated Elves, have been trained in the care and maintenance of these items. Rule #1, always use the yoke and handles that come with the model Ark Of the Covenant. To disobey this commandment could result in extreme pain or death. In spite of the personal danger, we know that placing a Light Bulb or electrical appliance within 15 Ft of the Ark will turn it on, LOL. Now isn't that SPECIAL. Between you and Santa, my last rendition of God's Ark Of the Covenant holds the true meaning of "Covenant". This gift come with no warranty and yet, in a mathematical and fractal sense, it's the ultimate goal of God to create an integral model of Himself. Santa's personal experience is the very same model. Seems as though God chose everyone. We don't come cheap! Order your Arks early. We build to a JIT "Just In Time" format. BTW, each model come with a "grounding" belt, the "OFF" switch to the electricity. ...SC

Competition Palm Sunday...Santa Has A Favorite

2010-03-28T14:34:00.000-07:00

Santa is taking the week off from my North Pole duties so that I can celebrate my buddy's ending mission of life. Interestingly enough, he's not dead, Jesus is still here. That being said, he did have to go through the process of a physical death. Not just any death but a Sacrificial Death of incredible cruelty. All in the space of a week, just preceding Passover, Jesus went from a "Triumphal Entry" to his execution. Events throughout his 33 years had been leading up to this singular week culminating in one purposeful expression of Godly Love. Santa is leaving it up to you to find out about the details of His message, importance to His fellow Jews and to the World Of Mankind at large. We'll simply be exploring the Palm Frond and the symbolism surrounding it's use during Jesus' entering the City of Jerusalem. The Palm Frond is darn near indestructible. It is a fine material for constructing roofs, walls, doors and flooring. The leaves can be woven into carrying baskets and used as wicking for oil lamps. It is the "King" of plants (I wouldn't try to eat one) and at the time of His earthly ministry, a symbol of Royalty. Jesus arrived at the gates of Jerusalem riding on a lowly "Ass", as if in disguise. His reputation was well known and loved, feared, by the citizenry. Jesus knew that He was a polarizing influence on the populace. There were few that simply didn't care about Him either way. As He made his entry it was in the way of the "Chosen Messiah". Yes, there were folks doing the CYA routine, but why take the chance, LOL. There were a lot of Pharisaic, Messiah, pretenders out in the surrounding countryside. Regardless the placing of the Palm Fronds, in the path of the entering Jesus was an act of contrition and honor to the man. I've often wondered where the design for Santa's hat came from. Santa just accepted it AS IS, a gift from "The Boss", and went on with life. Nice touch, practical too. It can get mighty cold this time of year. It actually snows in Jerusalem don't cha know. "The Boss" must have been anticipating the North Pole location for me. Santa's birth was still 272 years in the future. It's okay, I'm glad to know that preplanning went into my life. Jesus knew exactly what He was riding into. What's more, He could have turned around saying "I'm outta here", exercising his free will. Abba Kodesh left that option open yet Jesus stayed on course. Knowing what the future holds for you is a two edged sword. That's why the Word Of God tells us not to get too curious, not to seek out Soothsayers and Fortune Tellers. Number 1, if you aren't happy with your divined Fortune, it's a waste of time trying to change God's mind. Number 2, it's REALLY a waste of time trying to change the mind of God. Your best course of action is to find out what God has planned for you. Here's the competition Palm. For those that cannot trust that "The Boss" is looking out for your best interests grab a chair, a candle, a deck of Tarot cards and have a seat. There are folks that will examine the bumps on your head, the Tea leaves in your cup and the creases in the upturned palm of your hand. The question is not what these folks are looking for, it's what are you looking to find? Your very action tells Santa that you are a person that wants to be in control. If you can't warm up to a Fortune Teller, wearing too much makeup and dressed in clothes looking like an Arabian Desert Hillbilly, let's consider the options. Fortune Tellers come in disguises, Accountants, Economic Analysts, Excel Spreadsheets, Pareto and Pie Charts.

Choose your Palm Fronds wisely and don't hedge your Bet. "The Boss" wants you firmly in one camp or the other. Luke warm Bet hedgers have no sense of themselves much less of God. ...SC

EB Wannabees...Reign Of the Anti-BUNNY

2010-03-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

So, you're probably asking yourself "What's the big deal?". There are plenty-O-Santas out and about at Christmas time all seeming to implement the commercialization of a Christian celebration. Easter is yet another Christian celebration that has risen to commercialized heights. There is a difference from other Christian, calendar, celebrated events and therein lays a real problem.

Mothers Day and Fathers Day celebrate real folks that are an actual, daily, presence in your life. It doesn't matter if these folks are surrogates, alive or dead. These are folks that you've gotten to know, intimately.

Valentines Day is not a time when you search out a Mall to have the kids sit on the lap of Mr./Mrs. Red Heart. In some instances, Mr./Mrs. Heart appear to have been shot at with an arrow "Ouch". We'll take the chocolates but I'll be darned if I'm going to share my bathroom with a large, seriously injured, Red Heart.

Halloween is just a flat out strange celebration for a Christian event and yet it is a time of giving God thanks for a good Harvest. Commercialized to the point that candy manufacturers depend on the holiday for more than 40% of yearly sales, adults (I use the term advisedly) use the occasion to "cut loose" their identities. The same goes for Mardis Gras at the opposite end of the calendar. Thanksgiving is a little more reasonable. And yet there are no Great Pumpkins or Tom Turkeys in residence at Malls. It's at Easter time and at Christmas that Jesus is directly being referenced.

Let's explore some Easter Bunny lore. The EB predates Santa by over one thousand years and was first associated with benevolence of the Roman Caesars. As I understand the celebration, it was a reason to practice kindness to each other and to feast on fresh garden vegetables. The latter became known as the now famous Caesar Salad. The holiday's name per a loose Latin translation is "Up Yours, Emperor" ending with a bilabial fricative raspberry.

Santa first met the Easter Bunny only after the Nicene Conference had finished. I was still Nicholas, not yet Santa Claus, and had been part of the committee that selected the rabbit as a symbol for resurrection. Also, most folks don't know that the rabbit has been a symbol of renewal and the Passover Egg, a sign of rebirth. Go figure, putting rabbits and eggs together making Christian sense, LOL.

Here is a list of "pretenders" to the Easter Bunny Mantle.

The Easter Owl was a very tempting choice. However, most of the committee had a problem with the predatory nature of the Owl. The Owl's nature detracted from the message of Rebirth & Renewal. Seeing "food" hanging out of it's mouth sunk the The Easter Lion idea as well.

The Easter Cow, now we're talking real possibilities. Cows are vegetarian by nature and gives us milk in return. Seemingly a winner, the misgivings were voiced that the size of the eggs would have to be enormous. Then the cow's diet is pretty narrow, lotsa fiber, ruffage and lacking real human nutritional value.

The Easter Gorilla? Way too aggressive and strong. The vision of seeing little Janey &/or Johnny being flung into the air and over the railing, framing the photo op, or being peeled like a ripe banana was a bit much. I had to explain that to my other committee members. They lacked the foresight of realizing all of the dangers or peering into future.

The Rabbit/Bunny was the optimal choice. Size was a big plus and it had a large variety of veggies in it's diet. Good nutrition has always been an asset. The eggs were of the usual size that folks expected. Lastly, The "Bunny" came with a celebratory track record.

THAT'S MY STORY and I'M STICKIN' TO IT. ...SC

The Light That Burns TWICE As Bright Burns Half As Long

2010-03-14T17:10:00.000-07:00

Sounds like Sage Wisdom and to be intuitively correct. Santa does have a different view of that dynamic. At the North Pole we have a lot of different lights. Better than the Sunset and Sunrise, we only have one of each per year, is the Aurora Borealis in the midnight sky. Santa can't really discern between the value of the "Half As Bright", the "Fully Bright" and the "Twice As Bright". They all have their advantages and beauty. Santa is developing his own Scientific Photonic Physics Kit devoted to "Light" and it's variations. We have a separate LED and Laser section in our deluxe SPP Kit. Let me say that the Science is completely spectacular as far as that takes you. What is really being taught is that light, in any form, has an intrinsic value all it's own. Choose the light source combinations that fit you the best. Some of Santa's Gifts are meant to strike deeper than the "Stuff" formulae. My favorite illustration of value for Variations in light source and toys is the "Slinky". I've heard that some folks are like the Slinky toy. "They're really good for nothing, but, they still put a smile on your face when you push'em down the stairs". Even that lowly toy is still a toy. All those lights are still lights even if they seem like they have no value.

Santa has been asking folks to specify "Glowing" and Non Glowing" for those Christmas Gifts of the last 3 years. This is a serendipitous occurrence due to the miscalibration difficulties with the last couple of Nuclear Reactors, required to make the North Pole fully nuclear powered. I treasure those lights that are naturally occurring.

I'm talking Sunrises and Sunsets.The Sunrise toys are for the very young. Santa loves to see the curiosity in the young'ns as they encounter the "New" thing. Texture, sound, colors and brightness all make for a great experiences. Sunrise is a time for expectation and hope of what the DAY will bring. The Sunset toys are a confirmation for a DAY well spent. No lumps of coal or soggy chunks of Bog, saved specifically for the naughty Scotts, are welcome.

That freshly lit, burning, candle represents a light coming only for the moment. A focused light is required to illuminate a special need. The "burning candle" toys are given to those kids and adults that have specific needs. A puzzle with large pieces, a book in braille, those in need of physical healing are all gifts from the candle light. Yes, Santa is allowed to pray for those that need the "Boss' " intervention. I'm delighted to say that God's intervention is a reality. Santa knows. The longevity of the lights are irrelevant, enjoy the toys for as long as you can. The values are there and appreciated by Santa-n-Boss. It's Santa's wish that all come to appreciate light in all of it's forms. ...SC

On A Lighter, SWEETER, Note!!!

2010-03-08T10:57:00.000-08:00

An Elf came up to me the other 1/365th of a Polar Day and asked for time off to go celebrate Wacko Musical Sawplayer Day. Held once a year, near Felton California, it's a celebration for all Musical Sawplayers around the World. Allegro Vivanium Quintas, the Elf, said that he would need the 2nd weekend in August off. That is a pretty busy time of the year leading up to Christmas. Now, Allegro had not had a real "Holodium Giganticus" in well over 50 years and I was hoping to attend some of the WMS Day celebration myself. Santa has been known to perform at that event and I usually bring something along for sale to my fellow Saw Playing fans. I told A. V. Q. that it would be okay and that I'd join him on the Sunday of that weekend. Santa, being always on the cutting edge of Christmas ideas, is thinking "Personalized Chocolate". I gathered my staff of Chocolatiers together and came up with a plan that even my Candy Cane Developers (CCD Staffers) would be impressed with. A Chocolate Easter Bunny is darn near a traditional treat of the Easter Season. Chocolates for Valentines Day are not unheard of. The WMS Day celebration should have a candy associated with it. The idea is quite simple, send us a photo of the recipient of our WMS Day gift and we will make the statue with their likeness on the face. For you computer and e-mail savvy folks just send us a digitalized photo of whom or what you'd like the face to resemble. Perhaps a likeness of your favorite pet would be to your liking. Hey! if anything, Santa tries staying flexible, LOL. My buddy, Ol'Doc Sid, suggested other possible chocolate treats that his Siblivanians might like. Santa may have started yet another industry and another Whizbang story, we'll have to explore the possibilities. Meanwhile, the Doc did come up with a Campaign to help with the WMS Day celebration chocolate candy. "DON'T GET TRAPPED INTO THE SAME OLD 'CANDY' ROUTINE". Give your little critters a break and give a present of their very own, personalized, Wacko Musical Sawplayers Day treat. **** Santa likes it, they like it and HE likes it too, Amen. *** I'll let you folks know how the WMS Day celebration went, some time in September. ...SC

Global Icing...Plight Of the POLAR LIONS

2010-03-02T11:18:00.000-08:00

Polar Bears! I'm up to my eyeballs in Polar Bears. Go over to a small mound of snow and it's usually a Polar Bear Cub playing hide-n-seek with another Bear Cub. There will be a lot of Cubs being given out as Christmas Presents in 2010. Don't believe the dire Press being spooned out to the gullible public. What I have is a very real problem with the GLOBAL ICING and the Polar Lions.

Oh, you didn't know about our lions at the North Pole? They're not quite as cute and cuddly as baby Polar Bears. Unlike the Polar Bears, they don't hibernate either. That makes the kittens more difficult to capture and wrap for Christmas deliveries. It's got a lot to do with our "1 Day-1 Year" North Polar Calendar. That's another story.

There was a time when the Polar Bears, Lemmings and Polar Lions were equal populations. Though different species with their own specific mannerisms, it was not unusual to see the Bear Cubs and Lion Kittens playing together. Rough play for the Polar Gerbils as they became the balls of fur swatted between the Lions, Lemmings and Bears, "Oh my".

When Santa sensed that something was going wrong with the Polar Lion population, I contracted with the US Census Bureau to come up and do a count for the Lions, Lemmings and Bears "Oh MY". Edgar the Lemming and I have an understanding and Lemmings are a current workforce in my Santa's Workshop. Standing side by side with the Elves, they were very easy to track down for a count. The hibernating Polar Bears made their counting a pretty straight forward task. It is the Lions that made for the largest problems.

Let's face it, a lion can be a bit high strung. Getting close enough to a Pride of Lions for an accurate count takes courage and training, a lot of training, LOL. The Lion Census Takers were cautioned about eating Bacon or Ham for Breakfast. Even a wayward Tuna Fish sandwich, in the back pocket, could be a real source of trouble. The number #1 "NO-NO" is to never, ever, carry a raw steak in your Computer Notebook.

The photos are "Stills" from the Training Film "Be the Lion, Don't Become the Lion". My Star lioness is named Mywasabi Cha'ching-usa. She's been making these training films since 2003. Mrs. Claus wants everyone to know that no Census Takers were hurt during the making of this Film. Well, there was that predatory stalking and chase episode by a cantankerous Pride of lions left out of the movie. Stemming from a Labor issue, the US "peeps" met with the lions "peeps" and all was settled amicably. The lesson is clear.

...SC

"The BOSS", Santa's GOLD STANDARD

2010-02-24T11:18:00.000-08:00

Take your shoes off and remove the socks. If you're wearing gloves you need to set your fingers free. Get ready to run your hands and feet through piles of Santa Geldt. A lifetime's accumulation of Geldt, Cash and "Filthy Lucre", The Boss' strategy that involves Santa Claus and God's Will. If you've gone to my Gospel According To Santa postings (santasgospel.blogspot.com) you know that Santa and the Boss have been in collusion regarding you. This is not Rocket-sleigh Science here. All of our "Religious" Leaders are telling us how "Life" is a Cosmic Classroom and life's experiences are instructive tools being wielded by our Grand, Heavenly, Teacher. Santa agrees with that concept. My Boss uses me as a catalyst in the planned lesson(s) you'll encounter.

God is paying attention to you throughout your entire worldly experience. At BIRTH we have needs that get provided for and we thrive. Older and with our needs pretty much taken care of we start supplanting needs with our wants. God tells us that even imperfect man knows how to give good gifts to the children. "How much more does your HEAVENLY FATHER know to give good gifts to His children?". Santa is God's iconic focus allowing the ability of imperfect man to give the "Good Gift" to his children.

For some, if I've done my job right, by the time you've become an Adult your WANTS have pretty much taken over your life. Oh, no doubt you've encountered God along the way. Perhaps you've subscribed to the "Name It And Claim It" folks. Whatever you call it, God becomes your personal shopper. Defining "Wants" and "Needs" get fuzzy at this point. The clue is that if you "Want" something, before taking it to Father God you work that "Want" into a "Need". Your God/Personal Shopper is going to pay more attention to a "Need". "Wants" are a bit arbitrary.

The word, in the passage, is "Gift". A Gift transcends a "want" or "need". Gifted "Wants" are more fun than gifted "Needs" but are equally appreciated. Santa's job is to keep unrequited wants and needs to a minimum and if possible bury them in imperfect gifts from imperfect man.

Not all of mankind goes this route, however, the lesson is quite simple. How many times have you heard from people, with the means to bury themselves in "Stuff", that having "stuff" is not all it's cracked up to be. Oh sure, it's fun at first and then stuff just sits around. If you're not using it, stuff may as well not exist. Worst case (best case in Santa's opinion) scenario is that your stuff simply reminds you of meaningless self indulgence. That "along the way God encounter" turns your Heavenly Shopper into the friend that confirms your worst suspicions. "Do not lay up treasures for yourself that can rust or become moth eaten. Look for those treasures that edify and add value to your fellow man." It's all about that 2ND Commandment from Rav Hillel and Jesus.

...SC

Edgar's Warrior Lemmings...Lemming Converts?

2010-02-17T20:19:00.000-08:00

My buddy Edgar is quite a salesman. His Lemming Recruitment Program has far exceeded my expectations. Look at them all, these cold blooded, Reptilian, "Lemmings" are more than coping with our North Pole climate. Having completed Edgar's version of Basic Training these fellas are rarin' to go on their first mission. Edgar told me of his special technique for generating inner heat. It obviously works.

Why "Warrior Lemmings" you might ask. The truth is stranger than fiction, I can't make this stuff up. You've heard that the North Polar Ice Cap has been shrinking. Yep, it's getting smaller alright. We aren't melting away, we're being chipped away. Santa has uncovered a covert, Worldwide, "Snow Cone Cartel". These folks have been grinding away at our polar borders for well over a decade. By deploying the Warrior Lemming Brigade we are hoping to reverse the polar shrinking trend. Trading fingers for ice should be a bargain in any ones book, LOL.

Edgar has had this Lemming Brigade planned for a long time. The Warrior "Delta" Lemmings did their Basic Training at Fort "27 Icebergs". Placed in a very desolate Polar environment, to toughen up the Recruits, Edgar's Drill Instructors took these gator/lemmings into Polar "H" "E" (Ice)Hockey Sticks to hone the needed skills. All their weapons are built in and they can range the border providing for themselves along the way.

Santa does not subscribe to taking harsh offensive measures, as a rule. It's bad for Santa's image and yet my Boss tends to leave this stuff up to me. He has His ways and I've learned to live within His rules. The Tenach dictates that though we can't initiate a "Kill", we can enforce and defend our territory and ourselves, Selah.

...SC

THANKS USA FED. ...Santa Has the PLAN

2010-02-09T18:02:00.000-08:00

Really, I was just looking for some paper for my office copier at the North Pole. One word to my buddy "Ken" Bernankeee and he sent me several tons of this stuff. KB says that they failed Quality Control. The note said "Use 1 cup of bleach/gallon of tap water, some community agitation, and the ink comes right off the Bills". Being Santa, I always have a twist to an obvious resolution.

I got my Elves immediately to work on a new Gift for Christmas, the "STARP" Fund Carpet Bag. Given the proper denomination Santa will send you $250k, $500K or $750K sacks of Santa's Surplus Bucks. We go all the way up to the family size sack of $1,000,000,000.00 personal Bail Out funding. Of course, for those "Naughty" folks it's a photo of the cash wrapped around a lump of Bituminous Bliss, LOL.

Santa is already up to speed at the ongoing production of my favorite Christmas Gifts. I've stocked up on Clyde Beedee Sibling's Trained Rocks and Training Accessories. Edgar the Lemming has the marketing underway for his new Beast Master Surfin', Wetsuits. We even found a cache of radioactive Ben-n-Karbee dolls. A little reworking and they'll be my Nexus 7 models. Yep the radiation has animated these kids and the "B & K" Night Lights can travel around on their own. It is soooo goood to be in the Santa Claus saddle again.

Keep an eye out for my new online catalogs. Suggestions are welcome and there may be residuals involved if I like the "idea".

...SC

The World Can Be A Very DARK Place...Can Somebody Find the LIGHT Switch?

2010-01-24T13:13:00.000-08:00

What's missing here? Santa sees large, Dark areas in Canada, Alaska, most of South America and Africa as well as almost all of the old Russian Territories. Yet these are all Santa's "Hot Spots", full of light for Christmas Eve deliveries. Santa has never been afraid of the dark. After all, I live in it 6 months out of each year. In fact, Santa thinks that those folks living in the lighted areas are probably very afraid of the dark. Large Urban Centers can be pretty scary places without lights. They can't all be reading. A Reality check is needed, the World is never bathed in total darkness (at one time) and neither is Santa. I have been portrayed as the Spawn-O-Hell, accused of being the GOD-O-Greed and Avarice. There are some very Anti-Semitic pictures of Santa and Santa is never an Anti-Anyone. Regardless of the Spurious PR, I love the Internet and yet, you still need to remain in your right mind when you read the Opinion Meisters. God and I love people and every other living thing. If that Godly "LOVE" is your version of "Satan/The Devil" then you have a problem. We gladly embrace both the Body and Soul of a person. A lot of the folks that do the same are living in those darkened areas. It's there that reliance on your neighbor and community means survival.

Darkness in the human spirit often has the opposite effect. You look to yourself for your survival, trusting no one. The darkened human spirit seeks it's well being always at the expense of others. Guess what, that darkened spirit becomes extremely contagious often breeding others seeking well being within themselves. In possession of a darkened human spirit looks successful to others. Santa recalls an old saying picked up from ladies in a Sewing Circle, "She who dies with the most Fabric, wins".

Dying, with the most "Stuff", is not success and Santa is not promoting that concept, period. At times, Santa Claus works like the proverbial Canary In the Mine, SELAH. That Good and Naughty List that Santa checks each year is more dependent on the length of your Christmas letter to Santa. Santa and the "Boss Almighty" expect the very young to present a long list-o-goodies for Santa to consider. When you get older (and wiser) your Want List diminishes sharply, or it should. Not that Santa Claus actively weens folks away from him, it is that Santa knows that as people mature they become aware of the needs of others. Truly, those folks that understand that dynamic are the folks that are the real "Light Of the World" (where have I heard that before?). Of what use is a light if you hide it under a basket?

Santa Claus just needs to clear the air from time to time and "Light" vs "Dark" is a good visual don't you think? ...SC

Geronimo Puck...5 Turquoise Cuisine & Sierran Oysters

2010-01-08T18:36:00.000-08:00

Santa does enjoy a good meal and as many that I can possibly get. Years ago Doc Sid had told me of a visitor to Siblivania. A strangely garbed man, from the east, coming across the Great Nevada Desert. He was leading a small band of families. It turns out that this was a band of Geronimo's Chiricahua Apache led by Geronimo himself. Historically, this was the point in time when half the US Cavalry, some 5,000 soldiers, was searching all of New Mexico for Geronimo. They couldn't find him because he'd joined the Sibling Clan and was "vacationing" in the Sierras. While there, he taught the Siblings all of the Apache techniques for food preparation. They visited the Sibs four years and eagerly learned from the Chiricahuas. It wasn't until the 1920s, after Geronimo's passing, that Doc Sid introduced us, with Santa and Geronimo becoming very good friends. Now Doc had shared some of these "Apache" meals with Santa leading up to our initial meeting. I asked Geronimo if he'd like to become the Head Apache Chef for my fleet of yachts. Turns out he likes cooking better than anything else. Aside from having physically died more than a decade before, it just seemed like a good idea. While at Santa's, January, Vacation Resort we like leaving the lights on aboard the yacht. For those interested in some fine meals the yacht becomes a refuge from the prevalent Seafood that the Island offers. The "Puckster" goes into full gear mode as evening settles in. His hand picked staff, mostly Chiricahuas from his family clan, have the 3 Onboard Restaurants set up and ready to go. Also, Benny and Hannah Sibling are incharge of Santa's Snackbar that stays open past Midnight. _____________ THE MENU _____________ Appetizers: #1 Pulled Socorro Cactus Meat served with NM Marinara II on a bed of Native Turquoise... #2 Braised Gila Monster Fillet, chopped with local spices, in the "Half Lizard" shell. #3 "Crazy Bread", a flat bread baked over heated pebbles to create pockets that hold a variety of Schmears. Sidewinder & Chives (we hope), Shepherd's Delight, Scorpion Butter and Schmears Du Jour are the Chef's Choice and can change by the hour. #4 The Sierra Cheese Board Sampler, cheeses made from our indigenous critters milked weekly to ensure near freshness. Squarrelsberg Sharp, Apple-Jack Smooth, Pine Nut Noir (blackened & spicy) Cheese Spread, Obsidian Bleu all served with an assortment of Chiricahua Flatbreads and Mustards. #5 Lichen-n-Mushroom Puree on a Shingle. A tasty blend of biological eflouage found under select rocks and from around the roots of trees. Entrees: #1 The Chiricahua Quarter Pounder: A SOLID Meat and Taters meal without the "Taters" or the "Meat". We use a select herd of Free Range Armadillos in our ground protein patty. The Patty is rolled in our special Southwest RUB and quick seared/broiled to capture all of the juices. Included is a Salad and your choice of native mineral specimen garnishes, Copper, Silver, Bauxite and Tin. #2 Road Runner Du Real: Two adult Hens stuffed with Cubed Cactus and Tufa Fibers. The birds are boiled with the stuffing sewn up in the Road Runner's cavity. The Tufa Fibers are used to trap the juices inside. Removing the fibers after cooking, they are beaten to tenderize and become "Apache Pasta Au Jus". #3 Sidewinder Souffle Baked in an Armadillo Shell. The Armadillo feet are formed into natural serving/eating utensils. We use Ground Burrowing Owl Eggs as well as a few stray Desert Chicken Eggs. All of our Sidewinder Fillets are over 5lbs and at least 10' long. #4 Sierra Sibling Succotash Supreme: For all of our Vegetarian Patrons our mixture of Mountain Crisp Corn in a Mashed Legume Matrix can't be matched. Call it a Southwestern Sierran culinary tour de force. #5 Creamed, Chipped, Badgers Of the Sierra Madres: Some folks remain clueless about the Sierran Badgers. "Badgers, Badgers, we don't have any Badgers, I don't got any Badgers, I don't got to show you no stinking Badgers". Well, we have a few left and they are gooooood eatin'. Roasted, Broasted, Toasted, Baked and Flaked all swimming in a rich Cream Sauce to be ladled over your choice of Biscuits, Buns, Bagels and Muffins. Definitely COZY FOOD!!! Desserts: We maintain a buffet of fresh fruits, cakes, pies and puddings. If you call ahead we'll customize a dessert for you. ...Geronimo Puck

I Think That Went Well...Where'd The Darned RABBIT Go?

2010-01-01T15:21:00.000-08:00

!!!GOOOooooooOOOOOD MOOooooooOOOORNing 2010. "Wha' uh Shwell Year"!!! It's not quite that bad, LOL, but some of my guests could use a helping hand this morning. Good Ol' EB and Mrs. Bunny arrived early as to settle into their rooms before the Party swings into full gear. At the Last New Years Party, his Mrs. had to wheelbarrow him home. EB's ears were inextricably tangled in the web of a lampshade. Around 11:30pm, last night, The Easter Bunny simply disappeared worrying Mrs. Bunny that a repeat of the previous year's adventure was afoot, a Rabbit's Foot. He was still amongst the missing this morning. The last report we had was that EB had found a Polar Bear sitting in front of the door to his room. They began a wrestling match that rolled itself out onto the Palace's front steps. We're hoping that he'll eventually turn up this morning.

Gregory Yefimovich (AKA Rasputin) and Doc Sid's Uncle Nostrille Ramos, both renowned Mystics, were definitely working on some supernatural mischief. At the start of 2010 the clocks kept chiming 12:00am every 5 minutes, for an hour. Midnight Xs 12 is a bit much but a good thing for the Smoochers, at the Party. Fred and Melinda Smoocher had to apply Snow to their lips to stop the swelling. Santa told them NOT to kiss the Bronze Statues outside, their 1st inclination, "Use Snow, It'll be the better choice". I explained the ramifications of warm skin on frozen metal.

Dr. Timothy Leary and his brother "Really" kept dropping out a window, in the Grand ballroom, landing in a Snowdrift. Laughing their fool heads off, circling out-n-around, through the door, back to the window and dropping out over and over again. They literally were in a rut of their own making. Sometimes being "Happy" has it's own negative trade off. How does that old saying go? "Fat, Dumb and Happy", 2 out of 3 isn't bad. Caveat Emptor, choose wisely.

Both Genghis Khan and Attila the Hun are strict tea-totalers now. It wasn't always that way. One year, the two had been hitting the Sacramental Wine pretty hard. Fun at first, they were singing every Hymn in the Warriors Hymnal at the top of their harmonic lungs. Over their years of friendship, the two learned enough of each others language to pull off a masterpiece of Cantorial expertise. Then Attila began his personal Theme Song "I'm In Love, I'm in love, with Attila The Hun". G. K. wanted to change the key lyric to "Genghis The Khan". The competition got pretty heated and, yep, a fight ensued. Fueled by fermented Yak Milk Cocktails, the two were bloodied up and exhausted in short order. Raspy and Uncle Nosty had to haul them off to rest up, LOL.

There, just a little taste of what goes on at the New Year's Eve Party at Santa's North Pole Palace. The photo matches the description from one of last night's guests. HRH Queen Elizabeth I provided the Bloody Marys for all.

Santa needs to direct you to http://www.docsidswhizbzngs.blogspot.com/ to get a pre-party reference guide to the Palace layout.

Pumping Gerbils...How Santa Beats the Belt

2009-12-30T20:07:00.000-08:00

Santa knows that long lasting weight gain can be extremely unhealthy. As soon as Christmas deliveries are complete and a day to rest up is over. I get to working it all off. It's my special gift to Mrs. Claus. After all, you don't want to see the BEFORE Santa in a Speedo. My up coming Book "Dropping Santa Handles AND HOW I DID IT" should be out in stores, mid Summer. Santa has worked up to dropping 70 Lbs. in 70 hours. Just enough time to get ready for my January vacation. This method has been developed over several centuries. The process is easy for me and my body no longer experiences the shock the novice might experience. Let's get started. The right frame of mind is the main ingredient to all of this. Consider the start of any journey in life, it requires stepping off in the direction you want to go. No flailing about, your ultimate goal needs defining. Wx=W/X-n (W of x 2rd)(X/-n) OR Your weight target is equal to your weight now divided your averaged weight throughout the entire year. Multiply that by your goal weights sqrd Xs the current weight sets from the previous year. Your mind is NOW prepared to undergo the physical transformation. Your Diet will now consist of deep breaths of Fresh Air coupled with sips of Carbon Di hydrous Trioxide. Discipline yourself to STOP as soon as you're feeling full. This body cleansing ritual will continue for the 1st day. On day #2 the diet will have you seek out natural sources of Lauric Acid (Pressed Coconut Oil) and foods rich in transflourides, like Biscuits and Gravy. Creamed Tuna on toast works. DO NOT make yourself a Salad. Salads will come to us on day #3. By the end of day #2 be sure to have consumed one whole, Raw, Salted Cod Fish. Start at the tail and consume the head last. Day #3 is the "Kicker". This is where the "Blubber hits the Road" so to speak. Get up by 4am and fill your bathtub with curdled milk, Cheddar Cheese Cubes, Fulminated Mercury and your old Hanukkah Candles. Some folks may want to add an ounce of a tincture of Silver Nitrate to get that "Bronzed" skin tone. Grab a Bible and take a seat in the tub. You're going to soak for 3 hours. "3" is a Biblical number. My Boss, AKA God, Melech Ha' Olam, The Great I AM, is a key ingredient to this process. Around midday you'll be hungry and the Boss should have delivered you a meal of Manna, Locusts, Jordanian Gravy and Latkas. Consume all of it and drink down the cup of Honey and Whey. This is the Lord's Meal and it will put you into a deep swoon. As you come back to consciousness your body will have transformed into the healthier form seen in the left Santa. See, It's the simple explanation that works best. ...SC

"YOU COULD BE THERE"...the Warrior Interviews

2009-12-26T10:16:00.000-08:00

Santa's Radio Station WWSD_NP, 3.1415 on the BM Dial, does one of my favorite segments. It's an interview show called There's PI In Your Ears, Better Go Wash. This story is about one of the most potentially disastrous Booking Faux Pas in WWSD Radio history. My Producer had inadvertently placed Attila The Hun, Genghis Khan and The Warrior Easter Bunny on the same Interview Show. By the time the mistake had been discovered it was too late to call everyone and reschedule.

The Dice had been rolled, the Die was Cast, the fire was outta control, the Rubber had hit the road and Ford was in his Flivver. This was to be a show regarding favorite Christmas Morning Recipes. It's a little known fact that all 3 of these folks had made a conversion to Christianity. Yes, even the Easter Bunny, prior to his name change, served as an icon for the Roman Caesars "Benevolence" Holiday AKA "UP Your's, Emperor".

The first of the unintended partner/participants to arrive was Attila The Hun. There I sat, wanting desperately to be elsewhere, anticipating what was about to happen. The loud, ominous, pounding at the door could only mean his arrival. I recall it being bitterly cold at the North Pole that day. Attila showed up in fur robes-n-regalia but only a tiny Laurel Branch Wreath around his head. I swear, there were icicles forming on his ear lobes. Such a silly visage for an impressive Ruler.

Just as Attila sat down to adjust his microphone, in through the door burst Genghis Khan. He had seen the Limo outside with the "Attila 1" License Plates. What went on in the next 5 minutes was a most unique bout of posturing. The "There's PI In Your Ears..." Show was to start in 10 minutes. After a bit of settling down had occurred and some ground rules hastily agreed to, the Station's Engineer had set up two microphones and my Santa-Cam (my request).

ATTILA: Attila went first. His people were fine connoisseurs of ground meats and sausages. Coming up short on green vegetables, they harvested mosses and lichens from around the sparse trees and rocks. Add some selected Insects and the menu of the common man was rounded out. Locusts were an ample ingredient in Attila's Christmas Morning Meal. A raw, live, Locust was truly a delicacy due to the fact that they'd move around on the table and were difficult to catch. The easiest method to consume a Locust would be to roast them over a slow fire until golden brown. A small amount of Yak Oil and Placental Fluids, for Salt, rounded out the flavor. the side dish was also seasoned with a hot, spicy, herb called Ungalisa. The preferred sausage was made from a small rodent known as a "Steppie Dog". Steppie Wurst had the very earthy flavor reminiscent of the locale where they lived. The favored beverage was fermented Traggar Milk. The tradition required that the Traggar Milk purist would drink from the hollowed out skull of an enemy. The higher your status, the higher the status of the OEM Skull. Write me and I'll be sure to get the mail to Attila to get you the culinary details.

GENGHIS: Before Genghis could start his "Favorite Recipe" interview, yet another participant arrived. It was my good friend the "Warrior" Easter Bunny. I'm thinking that Word had spread quickly and the EB was dressed out in his finest Battle Fatigues. I made the suggestion that the EB also participate in the show and all agreed to the correctness of the balance. Attila even bestowed his appellation "...The Hun" on EB to make a joke of the whole episode. Genghis was rarin' to get started. Genghis loved eggs and would use them every chance he could. Who knew that the King Of the Khans was a serious baker. Genghis had a favorite Souffle he baked on Christmas Mornings. As armies and lands would fall under his control the head Khan was able to assemble a Smorgas Board of exotic ingredients. He had to cook for a large group of people. and you'll need to pare down the quantities as your needs require. To make the Mong'Yule-Atonei Jingle Bells Souffle, Genghis starts out with 8 dozen fresh Eggs. He tried to use the 1,000 year type but found the coloration too disturbing. You'll also be required to use 5 Kilos of assorted candied fruits. The choice of variety is up to you. Please, for the intuitive vegan, DO NOT use candied vegetables. The candying process usually turns them to mush. Nuts are optional but if you choose to use them be sure to chop them into large pieces. They're for texture, really.
1. Having broken the eggs into a large wooden bowl, whip them like a one legged enemy soldier, into submission.
2. Slowly add the candied fruit to keep the eggs from clotting.
3. Pour the mixture onto the surface of the Mongolian BBQ Stone stirring continuously. DO NOT FULLY COOK the Eggs.
4. Scrape the eggs, fruits and nuts into a large baking pan, one large enough to allow your mixture to rise 2-3 inches. Your oven should be at 250-300 F and due to the size of the baking pan, place heated stones every 6-12 inches apart to allow for an "even" baking temperature. At 35 minutes you'll need to check your Souffle by plunging your battle sword, between the stones, into the dish. If any of the sword emerges with egg on it, bake for another 5 minutes. Remove to cool for 15 minutes before eating.

EASTER BUNNY THE "HUN": Easter Bunny the Hun takes his seat, pulls up the microphone and says that his Favorite thing to do for Christmas Morning is to roll around in a vat of melted chocolate. With or without nuts, it's a favorite and a nutritious way to celebrate Christmas.
1. Fill your bathtub with assorted chocolates from the candy store. Use milk chocolate if you need to pamper your skin and/or fur.
2. Different chocolates will melt at different temperatures so be sure to use a heat source that fits under the entire tub.
3. Keep an eye on the heat because you don't want to scald yourself when jumping in. As you get used to the initial heat you can increase it depending on your personal Comfort Zone.

Well, whaddya think? Did you find the Posting helpful? Are you ready to close the deal? Would you like to buy the book? Can you hold your breath, turn blue and spit BBs? Leave a comment and we'll be in touch.

...SC

You TOO Can Have Your Very Own RUDOLPH

2009-12-19T11:50:00.000-08:00

Santa, in the past has offered life sized models of 3 of his favorite Reindeer. This year I have the new improved, lighter weight, Prancer, Blitzen and Rudolph. They will come to you in Kit Form ready for assembly. These Models are anatomically correct in every way and will provide years of educational fun for you and your children as the assembly slowly progresses. Bone by Bone and Haunch by Haunch. Rudolph will require either batteries or lead shielding, should you choose the Nuclear Powered Nose for Rudy. The Nuclear Rudolph has a 500,000 year half life, more than sufficient for the rest of the Human Race to enjoy. Oh my, I shouldn't have said that.

So let's get started on your Reindeer Model. You'll need a basic knowledge of Comparative Anatomy and a 55 Gallon Drum of Bio-Glue. Include 300lbs of Rebar and a TIG Welding Machine to form the basic or customized pose for your Reindeer. Santa was actually sent a picture of the 3 Reindeer sitting down and playing Poker. Hey, whatever makes you happy. For the perfectionist an Acetylene Torch for the finely trimmed proportions.

The instructions must be followed inorder to achieve the best result. Santa doesn't want to limit your creative license so a word of caution is in order. My Model Reindeer do not have wings and should NOT be suspended from the average, unreinforced, ceiling. In addition, Reindeer are not meant to be Bipedal. Also should you wish to mount the Models in a traditional Antler, Head and Shoulder pose be sure to have sufficient space to house the rest of the body behind the wall. Santa received some complaints from customers last year who were not anticipating a whole Reindeer in their Kit. Next year I'll offer the simple "Bust" Model. By shifting the center-o-gravity toward the back there will be a less likelihood of the Antlers pulling your wall over.

Lastly, if you think that you may have an allergy to Reindeer Fur I can use the Faux-fur alternative. It's still fur but of a kind that usually is nonallergic. Santa uses Gopher Hides. Gopher-Faux-Fur is all the rage unless you're a member of the Gopher community, LOL. But seriously, I can use a non-roadkill substitute to make your Modeling experience successful.

...SC

Santa's Upcoming Sailing Vacation

2009-12-05T15:35:00.000-08:00

Argggh, thar She is, what a beauty. I can hardly wait until Jan 5th, 2010. The Mrs. and I, the Elves, Reindeer and Lemmings all get on board in January. We'll be heading out to a secret location. It's my very own Island Resort out in the Pacific. The island was a gift from a greatful Ruler I'd gifted. Let's face it, there are too many Hurricanes and Icebergs in the Atlantic. The Pacific Ocean is a very large body of water and we can hideout more easily in it. Of course Santa also has all of his "Stealth" technology in place too. We've had alot of experience, over the centuries, keeping the location of Santa's North Pole Factories, Warehouses and Nuclear Reactors a secret. Some folks have suspected that my operation is deep under the ice. Hmmmm, could be. Still others think that I may have used my mastery of Lightwaves and photonic energy to cloak my locations. Now, that makes better sense. My North Pole operation could be under the ice but an Island Resort being underwater seems, "Ahem", impractical. Santa's NPS SANTA CLAUS/Prancer Class, Yacht is completely fueled by its own Nuclear Reactor. Even in the Yacht's earlier days we powered it with Narwhals harnessed underneath the Bow. We used the "Stack" to tie the reigns to the Yacht. The Midships location made her handling very accurate. The NPS SANTA CLAUS could actually spin, in place, "On A Dime". We didn't do it often because the crew and vacationers complained about getting dizzy. The Narwhals weren't ever noisy so we cut through the water in silence. That really came in handy during the early 40's of the last century. The only thing a Sonar Station would pickup would come from the "Biologics". We sounded like a Pod of Whales, LOL. Our vacation resort is a number of compounds built all around my island. Mrs. Claus and I like to stay on the forested side. The green is such a soothing, relaxing, change of scenery from the serious WHITE at the North Pole. To answer a question I'm sure is out there, "NO, we are not concerned about the seas rising and flooding us out. Maybe we can do a simple experiment. Half fill a clear glass with water, drop an Ice Cube into it and mark the level of the water in the glass. Watch where the water level goes as the ice cube melts away. So what happened? Now let's consider the dynamics of Eustatic and Tectonic changes throughout Geologic time. Eustatics involve the sea levels changing and Tectonics are land masses rising and lowering. Santa is going to come out with a book calling it "Geology For Dummies". It's a book that is overdue. The photo is my Prancer Class Yacht and is being loaded and stocked with supplies as I write. This is gonna be GOOOOOOD. ...SC

The Toes Of Christmas...All Participate

2009-11-29T17:58:00.000-08:00

Deep inside Santa Claus lies a secret path of joy. He turns about and spins at the season all-round. Is it all about the gifts and all about the Toys? Santa prays to God it's not How best to illustrate the point?. Let's bring it all to ground. Wants, desires, needs abound the days grow short and smells, aromas anoint the times.

Birthday Candles light the way to salvation's day. Sculpt the mountains and scour the plains that blanket biscuits of fallow turf. Bring to life the micro, macro earthenware of love that permeates the air. Leave behind the cares of lifeless whims that bring the the mind a lair to hibernate til Spring abounds to compromise aupair.

To be Santa Claus at this time of year belies the present to come. Santa hears the season's lust and looks to the sky with yearning. Life ebbs and flows without regard to learning. Blue remains the color of sky, golden brown, green and yellows provide the Earth with firming soil.

Please God, don't let Christmas count simply as life's bubble in Cosmic Champagne. "God" not impersonal, but IN YOUR FACE and looking for a friend. Not possible, you could be right, God the Invisible omnipresent but never there? " So, why Santa at 1,738 years old? Why the North Pole and Santa's Village? Can you read into yourself the excuse for anything from now until Dec. 25th?

Feel the GOOD and sense the colors. Walk into a store and greet the energy of Christmas. Walk the aisles and factor your budget, render your Soul as best you need. Blessing factored and labor found your Present Supreme has come to GROUND.

Santa's photo is his poetic best. Hey! the posting is FREE, read it at your leisure. ...SC

Christmas 2009...Here's To the Hi-Tech Luddite

2009-11-24T13:19:00.000-08:00

Santa Claus is suggesting that this year, 2009, should be a simpler Christmas. That does not mean that our expectations for the celebration should be uninteresting. The toys that are in the photo have been designed to encompass the "Techie Luddite" minded communicators. In the context of the knowledge from Anthropology, humans have gone out of their way to talk to each other. Let's start with #1, the ever popular "Talking Blocks". To the "Block Talkers" this stack is a veritable treasure trove of information. The shapes and colors of the blocks speak volumes about the insufficiency of the World-O-Leggos. Examine the positioning and alignment of each block to one another. Given all of the variables in the stacking, we could be reading War and Peace, The Christian Bible or The Complete Works Of Shakespeare. The "Talking Blocks" come with a dictionary of Key Words and Key Phrases to get you started on your way. Santa dares you to become the biggest "Block Head" in your neighborhood. #2 is the "Drumming Pinocchio". Drumming has always been a form of communication over long distances. Like all of the other toys in the picture the fun crosses specie, cultural and linguistic lines. The practice of drumming probably started far back in time amongst the Great Apes. "Boom Boom Kaboom-a-boom?" where's the wife? "Boom-a-kaboom Boom Pow!!!" she's gone shopping! "Boom-a-mooka Boom Kung Pow" She went to the Walmart. True Drum Talk is just full of auditory detail. As Pinocchio is being pulled along he drums out his story of being swallowed by a whale and being turned into a donkeyboy. This kid is good "you can see his Para diddle and raise a Thwat and Flam". #3 is our version of the "Homing Chicken". This now extinct bird was once the staple form of communication during early warfare. Generals and staff could communicate by writing messages on the feathers. After all of the feathers had been written on, the chicken made a fine dinner for the last officer in the communication loop. Come to think of it that could be the very reason the "Homing Chicken" went extinct. Face it, nobody wants to eat a Pigeon. #4 This is the 1st real attempt at a pocket sized device for long range communication. Here is the Luddite version of the present day I-POD. The "Eye-Frog" was capable of communicating in the quiet of the night over miles in distance. Carried in the pockets of the owners the Eye-Frog was activated instantly with a sharp squeeze to it's abdomen. To shut it off, a hard thump on it's head will create a moment of silence. Time enough to place the Eye-Frog back in your pocket. #5 is the "Thomas the Canon" toy. Not truly a Luddite model of communication, due to some mechanical contrivances, TtC was great at delivering precatory messages. An early TtC message could easily have been "I don't like you, I blow my nose at your Granny-KABOOM" OR "I am going to relieve my bottom in your general direction-KABOOM". You get the idea. The details of the message must go through diplomatic channels. Thomas the Canon provides inspiration for getting the messages right. So you see, all you Luddite Technuts, Santa has not forgotten you. Parents write Santa and I'll send along the plans/schematics and you can build these toys. ...SC

Santa's Ol'Timey, New Timey, Any Timey Christmas

2009-11-23T20:11:00.000-08:00

Well, Santa has already heard from my early Mall visitors and these kids have got their Christmas Tradition right. They know that giving and receiving gifts is symbolic of the gifts of the 3 Wise Men and God's gift of his redemptive sacrifice, Jesus.

What we have these days is the avarice created by a "Stuff" centered culture. Jesus is simply leveraged into Christmas into Wrapping Paper, Ornaments and New Stuff. Kind of sad and Santa does not participate in that type of Christmas.

I've seen the earmarks of the "Real Santa Claus" associated with selling the stuff that drives the culture of "Stuff" which drives National Economies. With the downturn of the world's economic health Santa and Christmas are considered, in this day and age, to be TOO BIG TO FAIL. Really a conundrum until I decided not to be held for ransom just to get your pockets emptied. Surrounding this Article are my suggestions of how to create a unique, 2009, Christmas without breaking your Bank.

I want you to seek Christmas value from heart-"stuff". Get a God's eye view of what really went on in the town named House Of the Name. Translate Beth L'(S)Hem and that's what you get. When Santa starts his Mall visitations I always announce "B'ruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech H'Olam, Asher kidishanu b'mitzva tov, vitzi vannu L'haddlik Ner shell Jeshua H'Messiach, AMEIN. It's a pronouncement that says that God and I are in this together. With that reality, as I circle Santa's Mall Kingdom, magic happens there.

From Left to right, along with the Christmas Magic, come some gifts that may seem a bit "Outside the Box". You'll make an amazing impression on your kids AND yourself. Shall I continue???

Santa presents his "Make Your Own Marbles" Kit. We get'em started for you and you continue the process. This gift will give you hundreds of years of family enjoyment. Pass the project to your children and theirs, so on and so on. Just think, 5 or 6 hundred years from now the kids will be able to play with your gift all the way back to 2009.

I can't stress the importance of Santa's lumps of Coal within the mid 20th Century's obsession with "Naughty-N-Nice". Jesus pretty much settled the issue but some feel that to be an oversimplification. Santa and "The Boss" feel that if you spend more than 5 minutes on the redemptive message of Jesus, you're "padding" the part. SELAH.

Next inline are the easy-to-make and charming "Rag Dolls". They didn't cry or "wet" or seek out boyfriends with smooth plastic parts. If you got them to say words of wisdom those words were yours. Look at these toys, are they not imaginative and unique? You'll enjoy making these "Action Figures" for your kids.

Gold...GOLD...G O L D... Nice to have it but I'm talking dynamics here. If you've got it, flaunt it. Just consider where you're focusing what is truly valuable on your kids.

The next example is about drawing a picture of yourself for Aunts, Uncles, Grandmas and Grandpas, Moms and dads. If your Mom and Dad are like us they've tucked away all the artwork that you have scribbled on paper. Draw, Paint or Color a picture of yourself. Photocopy and send them off for Christmas. Attach a note, make it personal. Believe me, this is something that they, and you, will cherish in the coming years. We now have the suggestion for those on your list that enjoy putting together Jigsaw Puzzles.

What you're looking at is a Jigsaw Puzzle made by Nature. Think of this as both an educational and teachable Architectural moment.

More to come later... SC

A Miracle On Sierra Avenue...Santa Pushes On

2009-11-21T20:59:00.000-08:00

Redwood City, California, is a great place to hang ones Iconic Chapeau. The "Weather Is Best By Govt. Test" or so I'm told. My buddies, Doc Sid and Patrick Weldon, have homes there. Doc Sid invites Patrick and family over to 302 Rows-O-Trees Ave. every chance he gets. Santa likes the place too. Santa's daughter, Rachel E. Claus, lives at the Sierra Avenue address. I do like coming down and visiting with the grand kids. My son, Scott Claus (Hmmm, "SC") also lives close by. Santa has settled in a safe environment. I do have a special source for information, don't-cha-know. The actual address shall remain a secret but if you owned this property it would be worth millions for safety's sake alone. Sometime in the future, I may discuss the geology directly beneath my daughter's home.

That's not why I'm here though. My daughter Rachel was in a very convoluted relationship while living in the town of Prairrieville. She had both a husband and a girlfriend. One of the miracles was that she was able to extricate herself from a bad situation. The more important miracle, my opinion, is my grand daughter Rose. She is the progeny of my daughter and therefore a member of Santa's family. A product of Artificial Insemination, Rose is Santa's latest grandchild. She's a "Santa-American" or whatever is being touted as a "PC" appellation.

Being a Santa-American is much more special, in my opinion. At 30 months old, she is already well on her way to becoming a future STAR personality at the North Pole. Her ears are already assuming the pointy characteristics of a North Poleyan. She shares everything when she can, definitely a Santa-American trait. Lastly, her communication skills include Latin, Mandarin and English. We've found some Aztec and Mayan script with a Rosetta Stone-like translation tool. Santa and The "Boss" can accomplish much working together.

This Halloween, Santa answered the door at the Sierra Avenue address, and handed out treats. I do recall this one little girl in a loose fitting shroud and Pirates Hat. She stayed at the door when the others had left. She looked up at me with wide eyed recognition and simply said "Hi Santa". She was all of 3-4 yrs old and she already recognized me despite my "thin" disguise. Faith is a marvelous thing and without it, your personal Christmas "Miracle" may as well be a million miles away. Let's hope yours is very close in this season of miracles.

The photo is of Rose and I enjoying last years Christmas Magic. At the tender age of 18 months she knew who Grandpa was and who she was, Family-Family-Family.

Santa's GETAWAY...Guess My Location

2009-11-18T17:58:00.000-08:00

Santa works really hard throughout the year. I'm not an "A" type personality, it's simply a job that only I can get done. From time to time, I use the term loosely, Santa takes a moment for himself. A "Moment" is really all I can get away with. Opening that can-o-worms means that Santa has both a physical and metaphysical life. Let me get specific about how this photo came about. My contest is where in the world is Santa popping up now?

Santa uses the term "Astral Projection" but I can't really define a specific term regarding what goes on with these events. I've read all the Internet offerings on the subject and I can't actually say that this or that is my personal experience. Let's analyze the affectation. Santa has a physical cue to allow him a sense of progression into the AP event. Santa's personal admission is that at 1,737 years old I'm in alot of "pain" on any given day. When I do the AP my "pain" goes away. That was my inspiration to pursue the Astral Projection phenomena.

Floating above ones body has not been my experience. The lack of weight is my indication that I'm off on an AP adventure. In bed, I'll lift my arm and if there's a pull on it I know I'm not in the AP groove. When the weight of gravity is no longer enforced I'm in my Vacation mode. I don't float around like an unrestrained, disoriented, bubble. I do retain a sense of UP-DOWN and Sideways. An upside-down Amsterdam is not really a good adventure, my opinion.

That being said, being able to arrive at any chosen destination is a real plus. Santa does have a "Control Freak" disposition and I do want to arrive at my chosen destination. Remember, Santa is short on "time" and if I can do a month in under 1 second, I'm IN.

12:01am and 12:01:01am is what I allow for my Christmas deliveries. The AP experience has some of those characteristics. The issue is that I can't get physical during an AP. I'm not a ghost but I can walk through walls and doors. I do see the "walk through" events and know that I can go through the experience unscathed. I did once declare that in the pure World of Math Santa could accomplish anything. I'm not backing away from that declaration. Santa apologizes for any ruffled feathers.

The photo is an unexpected one. Regardless, there I am enjoying my nano-second VACATION. Dare I say "Wish You Were Here". ... SC

"A Dolly For Your Thoughts", Alfred Hitchcock's Influence

2009-11-11T14:36:00.000-08:00

Santa Claus has a special doll making department just for collectors. These dolls are all one of a kind designs and limited editions. Numbered and certified to ensure a gift of lasting value, you'll be fondly remembered when your gift is opened on Christmas Morning.

I've selected out a few in the lineup for a brief description:

#1. Plump Paula, is a finely detailed doll, molded from recycled bicycle tires. Santa has allowed for a few imperfections making each "Plump Paula" a one of a kind gift. Each Paula Doll comes with a built in, realistic, "Belch-n-Burp" sound chip. It is activated by a force-feeding tube that can be inserted into several orofices of choice. Paula will eat her special "Paula Chow" until the doll either poops or hurls chunks across the room. Plump Paula comes with a complete wardrobe to accommodate the many changes required throughout the day. She also comes with her own washing machine and "Paula's Own" laundry Soap. the Paula Chow and Laundry Soap can be purchased seperately in most Toy Stores.

#2. The "Stinky MacGilly" Doll is really from a time honored Amish design. This doll is modeled from the Mary Manure character made popular in Amish folktales. "Stinkey..." is wearing a full frontal, perfumed, Skunk Skin Cap (not recommeneded for Asthmatics). Her index finger, on her right hand, is pointing forward in a gesture indicating a desire to escape the stench. "Stinky..." is definitely an outdoors girl and comes with a compliment of Camping and Hiking accessories (SOLD SEPERATELY). Stinky MacGilly is shipped in a Christmas wrapped, hermetically sealed, container.

# 3a & 3b 2 very cute, left and righthanded, skunks. Realistically detailed miniature Skunks that are chambered to hold a standard "Green Gas" charging cylinder (SOLD SEPERATELY). The pre-raised tails act as antennas and rudders that steer these critters off into the house. Sabatoge your Moms Tupperware Party and vent your pent up anger as you sail one of these Skunks into your Dad's livingroom Poker Parlor. Wireless technology place these little "stinkers" into the State Of the Art category for animatronics.

#4 This Santa Hatted Doll is named "Cindy Cinnamon". Cindy C, as innocent as she looks has been, shall we say, "around the block". Cindy is a Retro Chick that can barely cover up her "Big" hairdo with the hat. Give this doll as a gift using great discretion. You see, Cindy Cinnamon comes with a "wrap sheet" longer than her little dolly arm. Her outfits (purchased seperately) include a scanty "Baby Doll" pajama set and a faux Leather, body hugging, Suit with Whip, Chains and Bandit Band for her eyes. A FREE booklet of 50 "Tramp Stamp" cockamamies comes with each doll.

#5 May I introduce my Monkey's Uncle Santa Claus doll. This is an anatomically correct model of an Astrolopithecus Santa. I believe that ancient hominids also had celebrations throughout their year. This doll is an ideal gift for the young Archeologist and Anthropologist on your Christmas List. The MUSC Doll comes pre buried in a selction of dried mud, plaster or concrete. We also provide fully functional, gas operated, miniature Jackhammer, Geology Pick and M80s left over from last year's Cinco de Mayo Party (Parental Supervision Required).

#6 Really an accessory to #5 this is the MUSC's Nephew and comes with all of the bells-n-whistles the "...Uncle Santa..." has.

#7 "Sarawak Sally" is my tribute doll to all of the headhunting folks of Indonesia that helped the US Allies during WWII. She is wearing her Santa Hat with a likeness of Santa's head, freshly taken and fixed to its front. "...Sally" comes with her own razor sharp hand axe, Cauldren and instruction booklet on how to shrink the coveted war trophies. The "Head Of My Class" T-shirt is purchased seperately. Specify Sm, Med, Lg, XLg, XXLg, XXXLg and ( !>P=/.

#8 This is the "BIG STINKY" Doll, AKA Dolly Farttin'. A deluxe version of the Stinky MacGilly Doll, she includes the la Petomaine function that will clear a medium sized room in under 30 seconds. The Full Frontal Skunk Skin Cap will lift and spin with every discharge of her "Green Gas" cylinder. The eyes light up and using the latest Flatulence Articulated Rump Technology, "FART", the doll is an anatomical "Fart-nominal", Ha Haa.

#9 We've named this doll "Typhoid Mary". Hidden within the doll is a vial of virulent bacteria that is timed to breakout @ 10am (GMT-08) on Christmas Morning. The effect can be avoided by taking the vaccine that comes with the doll before the appointed hour. There is only enough vaccine for two so order more vaccine to accommodate the entire neighborhood.

Merry Christmas to all the Doll Collectors out there. ...SC

Der Snatty Clas, I HAV BIN GOD AWL YER LAWN

2009-11-05T17:09:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Santa's world of words, lists, letters and e-mails (with and without Spellcheck). Kids and their parents have been writing letters to Santa Claus for hundreds of years. One of my earliest letters to Santa came from little Billy Shakespeare. He was only 6 years old back in the year 1570. Billy sent me a Poem and included a few requests for writing materials like quill pens, ink and parchments. I recall reading that letter incorporated into one of his Plays. He was a very serious child even then. Other letters would come from folks like "Weezy" May Alcott, Chris Andersen, Charlie Dodgson (Lewis Carroll), Little Lanny Hughes, Sammy Levenson, Sam L. Clemens and Laurie Wilder. I've saved those letters because I sensed these kids had a twist on Christmas that, at the least, stood out far above the norm.

I have quite a collection of letters sent from kids all over the World. Knowing the different languages is an imperative. Knowing the misspelled languages is really where the real challenge for Santa comes into the picture. If it were just a case of phonetic spellings it would be okay. The title to this Post is an example of that, genuine quotes from genuine, English speaking, kids.

#1. "De arS ant A wat i cupu mpu+er andadress uptoya nd a toy dbo ll and J urryand +LLOVE QVE Oli---" Translation: Dear santa I want computer and a dress-up toy and a toy doll and (????) Love Oli---.

#2. "Dear Santa Meerey chrismas! I have bean vary good. May I please nave a telescope, a shmid puzzle, a red bik, a pirates sorrd,andaa Velvit dynisar piture.

Santa does enjoy the kids that write me with a guilty conscience. They're pretty sure that I know what they did but may not have gotten the whole story. Typically these are 99% sibling focused confessions. The closer in age to each other the greater the mayhem. On some occasions little skirmishes can break out even in the presence of "The Jolly Old Elf" himself. Onward to the "Mia Culpa" portion of the Post.

"Dear Mr. Santa Claus, my name is Liam Mac-------. You may have herd that my yunger sister, Penny, was mastly drouned in the wawshing mashine. She had finnished her sppagetti and meetballs for lunch and had spiled sass on her good dres. It was eazy for her to get into the wawsher cause the door was on its side. We treated the spill with a speshil sope that mom yuziz.

I closed the door an set the dile to short, cold, wash. Penny was looking out window in the door as the watre started to por insid. She was rocking jent lee from left to right wehn mom came thruh the door. My frends said they could here her screms all the way doun to ther hoose. Mom gayv me a strong taking too and I had to stay in my rum until Daddy got home.

Dear Santa, this wil nevr hapin agin. Perty good idea thoe? ...Liam"

"Santa, you need to knoe that Sammy axked me where the water went in the toylet ball. I told him we shood find out. I told him to put on his swim sute and Fase Mask and go stand in the toylet ball. I must hav flashed the toylet 20 times before Sam got his food stock. Mom had to call the plommer to get Sams fud out from sticking. Plees dohnt put me on the nohty lict becas he is OK now. ...DEXTER"

Lastly, the kids that are into cutting and pasting send me letters that resemble Anagrams and Ransom Notes. If a picture is worth a thousand words then some of these letters are close to being copies of "War and Peace".

There you are, just a brief glimpse into Santa's stack of reading material. ...SC

Santa Tries...One Reindeer Short Of A Sleigh Ride

2009-11-03T21:24:00.000-08:00

As busy as I am, Santa still gets to have some "alone" time. There are a number of activities I do to relax myself. One of my favorites is to disappear into my Private Workshop. This Workshop is the 1st house that Mrs. Claus and I settled into over 1200 years ago. The house has been kept up and is quite the ideal place for my Personal, Private, Retreat.

Santa has had many TOY successes and I've had a few "near misses". This is why I'm explaining why some toys were Too Good and some were less than anticipated. "One Reindeer Short of A Sleigh Ride" is what we call the prototypes that remain on my shelf. Santa is an experimenter and Inventor.

"Too Good"? Yep these toys were ahead of their time. I get into my work and forget that the World's technology lags behind mine. After all, my "Boss" fills in the blanks most of the time. I like the fact that HE doesn't give me all of the answers. I like being inspired and that's my strategy for the kids I bring gifts to. Bare with me as I explain the dynamic.

Santa won't go back in history too far, but, TIME is an important factor for my 1st gift to a very young Jules Vern. Per his request, I gave him a fully functional, toy, Time Machine. It had a profound effect on him and a story was written that I hear was quite popular. Go figure! In the mid to late 1800s I delivered a Battery Powered source of illumination to young Tom Edison. A pair of my Walkie Talkies went to Alexander Bell. Albert Einstein got a set of, Glowing, Building Blocks and young Verner Braun got his Rocket Ship. What that child wanted with a Rocket Ship was beyond me. Sam Clemens wrote me one year and asked for his own Raft. Y'see, being Santa is a serious responsibility. I love to work with the imaginations of kids. Santa gives a PUSH and the kids get to steer their visions. All of these North Pole Prototypes had their own twist on World History.

One toy that showed promise but can't come off the Workshop Shelf is the Astronomical Experiments Kit. In this kit, Santa included a Gravity/Black Hole demonstration. The survey, on this toy, seemed to have gone well. The RED FLAG shot up when I noticed some of my tools going missing in the "Black Hole" room. Now Santa knows what a "Black Hole" can do and I swung into full speed to figure this out. The outcome? I ended up having to contain the BH demo in an Anti-Matter chamber. The "Boss" just shook HIS Head. He told me to keep HIM in the loop regarding my Prototypes. In the back of my mind, I want to develop better control over the Black Hole. My own line of Vacuum Cleaners depends on the Black Hole dynamic. The dust and lint won't survive and the BHT says that Vacuum Bags are a thing of the past.

My "Flea-Circus-In-A-Box" looked like a real winner. Fleas are natural performers. They are great jumpers. They tumble through the air with twists and mandible over flea cheeks acrobatics. All of the hardware, Trapezes, Flea Cannon, Motor Bike and High Wire suspension looked professional. Hmmmm, what went wrong you ask? I'll tell you what went wrong!!! These critters breed faster than Rabbits in a House of Ill Repute having a two for one Sale. Overnight I had such an infestation of Fleas that it took me months to get rid of the critters. Getting rid of them is another story...we'll talk later.

There are many more but I'll end with my Flashto-Swervo, a flashlight that threw a beam capable of going around corners and climbing stairs. This was a really "neat" toy and I powered it with a hand cranked Magneto Generator. The bending beam made use of light being able to act as a sine wave and a particulate. Of course this was ahead of the world's technology when developed. The light source was designed to have a "skin" of dense light at the Constant speed surrounding a core of light with a longer "sine" wave or less dense. BTW, the wave length of light is directly tied to the colors that get generated. By controlling the "skin's" wave length, in any direction, Santa is creating a pinching effect and can redirect the light's direction. What is for me to know and you to figure out is how I control the curvature in multiple directions from a single sourced beam. So what was the problem that kept this invention on my "One Reindeer Short..." shelf? I couldn't get the Magneto Generator certified by my UEL staff. The United Elf Laboratories told me that the power being generated was too great for a child to operate safely. In fact, it was too powerful for an adult to operate. Photons are how the particulate nature of light is measured. They are the light "solids". Remember those Jedi Light Sabers, now imagine those sabers in the hands of folks 120 years ago. That's what the "Flashto-Swervo" could become. Santa may release it sometime in the distant future. I'll give it some thought.

The photos are some of my special, before their time, gifts that shaped the world. ...SC